Should I stick with it or let her go?

[MrHobbes]

I apologize in advance for the long post, but would really appreciate your advice.

My girlfriend and I have been together for going on 3 years. 1.5 years in the same city followed by about 1.5 years of long distance (I moved away for a 2-year graduate program). Currently we are still in long distance. She is my first girlfriend and I am her first love. I am 25 and she is 23. I love her (or at least I thought I did; more on that later), and I know she loves me. When things are great, they are amazing. She is one of the most loving, thoughtful people I know. Even when I am gone she visits my family, and they absolutely adore her. After the first 1.5 years together I thought, “This girl could be the one”.

But now I am not so sure anymore. I think the long-distance has brought the worst out in both of us, and I fear I have started seeing warning signs. Now before I go into more detail about my concerns, I must admit that much of her insecurity or doubt about my love stems from how I handled my move away for graduate school. After finishing my undergrad I knew about a professional graduate program in my field that was perfectly suited for the direction I wanted for my career. However, it was at a university across the country, so I wanted to try finding work locally first. If I wasn’t with her, I would have applied without thinking twice. I was probably in denial, but I kept telling myself and my SO that I would not need to pursue this grad program because I would eventually find the right job. I think I was just being a coward because I didn’t want to have that conversation (“moving away, long distance, what becomes of us”) unless I REALLY had to. Almost a year passed by and I went from working as a greenhouse labourer, to retail, which were not what I wanted; I wanted to start my career, not part-time jobs which I have had all my undergraduate life. Well a week before the application deadline I realized I had to apply or risk the chance of being stuck where I am and then resenting her for keeping me here. So suddenly I dropped it on her that I was applying without much prior discussion, and a few months later I was off. So you can imagine the hurt I caused her. I do not blame her for thinking I didn’t truly love her when I made that decision. I regret how I approached the whole thing and wish I could redo it. I was a coward and a fool.

Despite that whole mess, she chose to stick with me and bear the long distance even though I caused it. She has forgiven me but still gets hurt if she thinks about it.

She is a very sensitive person and loves very strongly. I am definitely the more laidback type and I don’t require as much outpouring of love for me to know that I am loved. I also forgive and move on quickly, whereas she can hold on to emotional hurt. It is this difference in personality that I am starting to worry about.

I don’t want to play the blame game, but the fact is most of our fights start because I have hurt her, or annoyed her, or caused some sort of offense in some way (half the time I don’t even realize it) which makes her think I don’t care about her. When she tells me what I did/did not do to make her think that, oftentimes I end up thinking, “How can you seriously think that THAT means I don’t care?” I would never accuse her of not caring if she did the same to me. Here are just some examples:

1) I am three hours ahead of her so sometimes if she texts late I don’t receive them till the next day. Usually I text her back from work the next morning around 11 (8 her time) so I know she’s awake. The other day she texted me “Ok also, just if I’m being honest, I find it a tad bit annoying that if I text you and you’re asleep, you don’t respond till like 11am your time…. I find it annoying because it seems like I’m not important enough to be responded to.” Now I don’t mind texting her earlier if that’s what she wants, but it’s the fact that this bothered her at all that is baffling to me. She really thinks because I don’t text her when she’s asleep she’s not important enough to me? I’m still the one who initiates the texts in the mornings.

2) She tells me she would much rather cancel plans and Skype me then pursue other plans and miss out on Skype because she loves me and wants to spend as much time as possible with me. Whereas I think it’s perfectly reasonable to want to go out (which I rarely do here) with friends and ask to Skype the next morning. She thinks it means I don’t think she’s important enough because she’s willing to cancel plans whereas I’m not as willing (especially if we can Skype another time). If she ever wanted to move a Skype date to the next day because something special came up with her friends she rarely sees, I would be say “Of course babe. I love you. Go have a fun time, see you tomorrow”.

3) She gets irritated and thinks I don’t care if I don’t text for a long time during the day even if she knows I’m busy. For example, I was at a family Easter dinner for about 5 hours (she knew) and did not think it appropriate to have my phone out to text. She thought that was a lame excuse and that I just don’t care enough because I could have at least gone to the bathroom to send a message. Whereas the other day she had a work harbor cruise and didn’t respond for a few hours. Do you know what was going through my head? “Oh, I know she’s busy coordinating everything and having fun with her coworkers; I’ll just hear from her later”. Why can’t she think the same?

4) Often if I say something not agreeable with her or if she misinterprets my words, she acts really weird. It’s like she gets personally offended (even if it wasn’t about her) then acts distant for a while. And I can ALWAYS tell when something is bothering her because it’s the same behavior. But every time I ask, “Are you okay? Is everything okay?” on the phone or in person she’ll say, “Yes, yes, I’m just tired”. But I can tell something is up. I beg her to please talk to me and just be honest. But she reassures me everything is fine. A few hours to a few days later she finally texts me what upset her, and it makes me go mad that a) the small thing bothered her to begin with and b) why couldn’t she just be honest when I asked.

It’s just stupid things like this where she’s consistently bothered by something I don’t think people should be bothered by that I start to lose my patience and sometimes I react poorly. I’ve said some hurtful things to her which make her out to be some sort of crazy, over-sensitive person, which I know is emotionally manipulative. My question though, is this normal? How come I never get hurt or annoyed so easily? Does it mean I don’t actually love her? Like maybe if I truly cared, more things would bother me? Am I being too insensitive?

The current drama is that she now wants me to know for sure whether I’m going to marry her one day. And to be honest, I don’t know anymore. I’ve heard that these small warning signs turn into billboards once you are married. And even though I love her, I don’t know if I can live with someone who is constantly bothered by what I say or don’t say. Am I striving too much for perfection? She says the honeymoon stage is over and that if I love her I need to be able to accept her imperfections. She is trying to be better and to let things go more (I have noticed a difference), however, these situations still happen. And even if I can put up with it now, if marriage makes everything more intense, I’m afraid of what’s to come. Also, since I’ve never dated anyone else, I have nothing to compare this relationship to. I don’t know what to do. I love her, and I don’t want to break up and realize I lost the one, because she is so good to me and has accepted many of my issues (personality wise and physical health problems). But I also don’t feel comfortable promising marriage one day. She says the fact that after almost 3 years I still don’t know also shows I don’t truly love her. She says if I truly loved her I would want to be with her because I would accept her flaws and she mine and we would tough things out together. I tend to disagree and believe that you can love someone, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you belong together.

Sorry for the long post. I just don’t have many people to turn to for advice as my relatives are religious and just tell me to let God direct my life. My friends are biased and would naturally avoid pointing any fault at me. Am I wrong to think these are alarm bells? Or is she just a normal sensitive person and I need to be more accepting of the fact that she will be hurt/bothered/offended more often than me? Brutal honest opinions welcome.

[basilandthyme]

I don't see these as warning signs. What I'm seeing is a girl who isn't suited to a long distance relationship trying her best to cope. All these problems you're having wouldn't exist if you were there with her. Many of us aren't suited to long distance. Those of us who value physical affection and quality time together are particularly unsuited. I'd be guessing that she is this type of person.

What plans have the two of you made for the next couple of years? Are you going back home to her? Is she going to move to you? If so, when?