I cheated, it's a little complicated, but I messed up...

[alexsuede]

I want to talk about how I cheated.. It's not cut and dry, and I wanted to get your opinion and help answering this; Can we get through this and mend?

I met my girlfriend online about 2 years ago and we hit it off. After a few months of dating we decided to be exclusive but with a twist, she wanted to have an open relationship with a don't ask don't tell approach. I was curious and interested but I had a stipulation, I didn't want her ex boyfriend to be brought in the mix, I told her that I didn't want to be apart of any love triangles because my last relationship failed because of it. She agreed and we did our thing. It was a weird experience because she continued to adjust the rules and redefine what she wanted. At times she would say she doesn’t believe in “cheating” and then be jealous next day. I kept trying to define if we were open or not, because she was so grey and would change her views depending on the day.

After about a year, we decided monogamy was probably the best thing and we moved in together. A few months later she confessed that she had slept with her ex a few times and when she asked me if I did anything while we were open, I said just kissed a few girls.

I lied, during our open period I was all over the place. I would go out, and flirt and make out. There where a few one night stands, and I had slept with a few other people. I just didn’t want to bring those details into our relationship, so I said nothing. I should have been honest but I felt like it was an open situation, so I was fine. It’s probably why I wasn’t that upset when she told me about the ex.

Where I ****ed up was I couldn’t stop after we went monogamous. I still continued to sext and I physically cheated two more times. In December me and her went on a vacation, and it was great for us! After that I decided to not cheat, but there were a few times I would drunkenly txt old flings, but that was it. I have never cheated before, but during the open period it was really fun and exciting and I had a hard time turning it off.

Everything came to a head this past Sunday; an ex-boyfriend of a girl I slept with last year (during our open period), sent my girlfriend an email of what I did. She was extremely upset with me for not being honest when she confessed, and as we discussed further I fessed up to everything. What complicated things was I had lent her my Macbook, and she accessed my iMessages. She read all my txt messages and is now livid.

She is completely destroyed and I’m just wrought with guilt because I know after she confessed about her ex, she was completely committed to me. I know this seems all really messy, but I love this woman so intensely, and we had been doing so well lately.

I have been staying with my folks to give her space this week, I asked her if she wants to end it but she has no answer and is still in love with me. I will do anything to fix this, I wrote her a letter saying I would give up all my privacy, go to counseling, anything..

Is there any hope for us?

TL;DR: Me and Girlfriend started with an open relationship but I asked her to not sleep with her ex (no love triangles), we did..I fooled around then we went monogamous (but she confessed she slept with her ex), i agreed to the monogamy but i still continued to fool around. I was found out this week. I realized i ****ed up, and I’m trying to get her back.

Is there any chance?

[basilandthyme]

Honestly, I'd put it all back on her. She was the one who wanted an open relationship. She was the one who wanted "don't ask, don't tell". Yes, when she was honest with you, you should have invoked the "don't ask" rule and told her nothing. But you can't undo what is done.

I don't know what to say except that as this whole thing was her idea, she needs to take half responsibility for the fallout.

[solarion]

That's quite a mess. Your girl suggests an open relationship, agrees to exclude her ex and then sleeps with him anyway? Makes it sound like she never completely moved beyond that relationship. Have you asked her why she chose to sleep with the one person she agreed not to sleep with?

How can she be "completely destroyed" given the mess that you've both contributed to? You've both lied to each other and slept with other people.

Sure there's a chance, if you both still love each other. It would take time to rebuild trust, but you'll both have to be honest with yourselves and each other about what you want out of the relationship.

[basilandthyme]

If there's a way forward, it's to call a truce. Admit you've both made mistakes and make a new start.

[Chock]

Alex,
You both screwed up, especially you AFTER you promised monogamy.

You both need to come clean on the past, and then sincerely forgive each other and put that behind you... forever, not to be mentioned again, unless there's a benefit from doing so.

They you need to set some guidelines and boundaries that you BOTH hold in stone.

And you'll need to get some serious help on mending your relationship and building it up with trust again. (there's lots of good info on line, and counseling is an option).

You will want to spend at least 10 to 15 hours a week with her just having quality time together, with no interruptions. Discuss how you are doing, and make improvements as time goes on.

I've been thru similar in the past and it worked.

[Wakeup]

Alex,
You both screwed up, especially you AFTER you promised monogamy.

Especially him as well when he simply forgave her without consequence for her cheating on him with her ex. She DID agree that she wouldn't be with him but by all accounts, the only reason she wanted to be open was so that she could fvck her ex and see if he still wanted her as his gf and if he didn't, then she had Op (old faithful) to fall back on.

She's just as much a cheater as he is because she broke the rules and betrayed the only one rule that he had and that she agreed to. She's forgotten that because she was so easily forgiven for her BS.

Maybe if you leave her alone and let her think about it, she'll remember that and you both can start on a clean slate? If she doesn't remember. If she doesn't forgive you and breaks it off... I'd be reminding her of her hypocrisy before I blocked and deleted her.

[solarion]

I agree with Wakeup.

If you take a contrite posture alexsuede you may "win" her back, but I would bet that this will come back to haunt you both. The open relationship thing was a bad idea, and was likely rooted in her inability to let go of a previous relationship. You both made mistakes and I would submit that you're both roughly equally responsible for this situation. If you take the majority of the blame for this you may lose her respect, if there's any left there to lose. Stand up for yourself and remind her how you two got to this impasse. One or both of you may get angry and decide ultimately to walk away, but that would likely be better than continuing on with a doomed relationship because of unresolved issues and lingering resentment. Stop telling her you're going to give things up to make this work and counseling may be a great idea, but it should be relationship counseling and then only if there's enough there to save.

[Chock]

Good points...

Will take a LOT of work to resolve this.

[alexsuede]

UPDATE:

So just to give you an update on this situation, she decided to end the relationship. It’s completely heartbreaking, but it's fair.. I made a fatal error that lost someone special, and I now I have to rebuild my life again (we lived together).

This is a true lesson, in terms of cheating and jealousy. I was selfish and self-entitled before, and I wont be caught dead cheating on anyone I choose to be with again. I could never inflict this kind of hurt on another human being again, Also for my self..doing it again would completely jeopardize my values and integrity.

However the way she's acting, her self-righteous approach is starting to piss me off. If you're familiar with my story, you'll know she was cheating with her ex-boyfriend the same year as my last cheat.. trying disguise it as an open relationship, even though she agreed to not sleep with her ex. The crap she's saying to me; "I want my 2 years back", "you're absolute filth", "you're a sociopath" it's so aggravating, not necessarily cause they're mean, but because she was doing the same things a couple of months earlier.. it's like she's trying to erase her doings.

It could be that I'm being defensive and hurt, because I'm not any of those things, just an immature adult who made a series of horrible choices. But her being hypocrite and completely manipulating from the start is not something I should be forgetting, even if she "changed" mid way. I haven't really been arguing, or getting pissed with her.. I'm just taking it until we are completely done (we need to talk a little bit more to manage our move out, and final details, etc.).

I feel pretty lame, but I would love to get anyone's feedback or thoughts.

[solarion]

The crap she's saying to me; "I want my 2 years back", "you're absolute filth", "you're a sociopath" it's so aggravating, not necessarily cause they're mean, but because she was doing the same things a couple of months earlier.. it's like she's trying to erase her doings.

Many find it less painful to blame someone else than to recognize and internalize their own failings, though obviously to do so is to risk repeating those very same mistakes. Seems there's plenty of blame to go around in this mess and it seems likely you can assume the hurtful things she's hurling at you are the things she fears exist within herself. Obviously neither of you can get your "2 years back", but you can preserve the good memories you shared and learn from the mistakes you made so that it helps you to become a better partner, and a more contented individual going forward. I'd try to stay out of pointless confrontation with her. Keep what lines of communication remain open, while you complete the necessary logistics involved in disentangling your lives from one another. There's little point in telling her what it sounds like she already knows...that being that she's equally culpable in this train wreck.

Good luck to you.

[Wakeup]

Psychology 101: We cannot see ourselves unless a mirror is held up to us. She is holding a mirror up to you Op but she's failing to see herself. You can hold the mirror back up and show her that she's the hypocrite that she is or, you can just get this relationship severed as quickly as possible an go forth having learned some very valuable life lessons and being all that much more dating savvy and cognizant of what you do and do not need or want in your relationship with a girl that will be with the same values and relationship boundaries as you.

... Hell, you could even hold up the mirror and then get on with going forth. That's probably what most of us would do *shrugs* If you're going to hold up that mirror then do it just as you are closing the door on her. Zero contact/block and delete. No one needs to continued to be verbally abused by anyone. Especially when they "get" what it is that they've done is not acceptable behaviour and have learned the lesson through negative consequences to their actions.