Why do we fight so much over his friends?

[MissLouise83]

Hi Guys!

So, OH and I have been together for over a year, we live together. We worked together for a few years before officially dating. We have had some cracker fights over his friends. Mainly, his best friends Wife. She's never liked me since we first met. Nit picked all tiny details over that very first meeting and it's been trouble ever since.

OH recently told me they were planning a 'boys' week overseas in Thailand, however so called Wife is going because........prepare for the best excuse in the world....she's his best mates wife. I was not invited, in fact, I was excluded from the holiday altogether. And to be honest, even if I was invited I would have politely declined as I couldn't imagine anything worse than being on holiday with people who have made what should have been a beautiful thing so difficult. It just would have been nice to be included. Anyway, I was so angry at being excluded that I just blew up about his friends, how they have treated me and that I thought that 'wife' was vindictive and cruel.

We had a huge fight over this and OH broke up with me. Told me to pack my things and get out. We work together as well, which made things extremely hard but I accepted things as they were and started looking for a new apartment on the weekend.

Two weeks later and he's begging me to take him back, saying he's sad all the time and seeing me at work happy and moving on made him realise he wants me in his life. Because I am still in love with the guy, and we were still living together and working together, I finally agreed to giving it one more try. He said he's going to give it all he's got.

However!!!!!! He's still planning on going on this holiday with his friends. It's in a couple of months.

I'm so confused. What should I do? I am thinking of planning my own holiday at the very same time he goes on his 'boys only' getaway. Somewhere new and exciting. Going off the grid and just blocking them all out while I enjoy myself (thinking of exploring New Zealand).

But I still don't understand why he wouldn't want me to share in that part of his life and also, guys, if you were in my shoes, what would you do?
It really hurts and I just don't trust that I can talk to him about this, without this becoming a huge fight again....

[basilandthyme]

As painful as it is, I would not have agreed to give it another chance without first having resolved the issues.

I think it's a given that your boyfriend should have handled this differently but I'm curious as to the background of all this instability. Do you get on with his other friends? What does your boyfriend think of his mate's wife? Does he think your dislike of her is understandable or unreasonable? Are any other women going - and how do you get on with them?

As for what your boyfriend would want - I think he'd want you there on holiday if everyone could get on well. However, this obviously isn't an option. Question is: why didn't he just organise a boy's week? If you and she you must be kept apart, why did the she get priority over you? Or why didn't he say to his mate "there isn't a way to make this work which keeps everyone happy - let's forget it"

[smarta$$]

Wife is going because........prepare for the best excuse in the world....she's his best mates wife.

Actually, I consider that to be a valid and entirely legitimate reason for her going. In my opinion, the problem isn't that she is going; it's that you have been excluded. Does your boyfriend consider YOU to be the problem?

[solarion]

Wow that's a lot of drama. You'd have declined even if asked, but you were angry and blew up about his friends due to the slight. If making it work with this guy is important to you, then you'll have to find a way to let go of your anger and get along with his friends and his friend's chosen partners. Why didn't you just tell OH you were hurt and disappointed at being excluded. Attacking his friends will make him defensive, suggest you find a better...more positive way to address the situation. If you make him defensive while trying to resolve conflicts with his friends it will simply escalate again.

Instead of complaining about being excluded from a trip you didn't want to go on, why not plan a romantic trip just for two with your guy when he returns?

But I still don't understand why he wouldn't want me to share in that part of his life and also, guys, if you were in my shoes, what would you do?
It really hurts and I just don't trust that I can talk to him about this, without this becoming a huge fight again....

The way you described your conflicts with the friend's wife sounded really petty and superficial...who wants that on a getaway? If it were me, I'd find a way to not let the petty conflicts get under my skin. Why do you care what she thinks of you anyway? If you're serious about making it work with OH this time then you ladies are going to have to find a way to be at least civil with one another.

[MissLouise83]

As painful as it is, I would not have agreed to give it another chance without first having resolved the issues.

I think it's a given that your boyfriend should have handled this differently but I'm curious as to the background of all this instability. Do you get on with his other friends? What does your boyfriend think of his mate's wife? Does he think your dislike of her is understandable or unreasonable? Are any other women going - and how do you get on with them?

As for what your boyfriend would want - I think he'd want you there on holiday if everyone could get on well. However, this obviously isn't an option. Question is: why didn't he just organise a boy's week? If you and she you must be kept apart, why did the she get priority over you? Or why didn't he say to his mate "there isn't a way to make this work which keeps everyone happy - let's forget it"

Yeah I get along well with all his other friends, and mutual couples. It's only this particular woman. He doesn't seem to think she's done anything wrong and I've never really made much of an issue out of it. Until it started to become apparent that I get excluded from everything that has anything to do with them. I'm not given the chance to make peace of the situation because they choose avoidance. This isn't the first time I have been excluded. There's been a couple of weekends away where I havent been invited. And it didnt bother me to be honest. But a whole week overseas is another story, especially when I have been asking OH for a holiday for months now. Don't get me wrong, I am financial independent enough to pay for my own holiday, but would have liked his companionship. I was never consulted and it wasnt discussed with me. I was simply told they were all going on a holiday and unfortunately, due to the situation, I'm not invited.

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Actually, I consider that to be a valid and entirely legitimate reason for her going. In my opinion, the problem isn't that she is going; it's that you have been excluded. Does your boyfriend consider YOU to be the problem?

Well thats exactly my point. It's not a boys getaway then is it? I'm upset because I AM being excluded and OH is using the excuse its a guys getaway, when really its not. If its just a holiday, then he should just say that.

And just because someone is married, that makes their relationship more important than a de-facto relationship? Why is being someone's wife valid and me being in a defacto relationship not?

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Wow that's a lot of drama. You'd have declined even if asked, but you were angry and blew up about his friends due to the slight. If making it work with this guy is important to you, then you'll have to find a way to let go of your anger and get along with his friends and his friend's chosen partners. Why didn't you just tell OH you were hurt and disappointed at being excluded. Attacking his friends will make him defensive, suggest you find a better...more positive way to address the situation. If you make him defensive while trying to resolve conflicts with his friends it will simply escalate again.

Instead of complaining about being excluded from a trip you didn't want to go on, why not plan a romantic trip just for two with your guy when he returns?



The way you described your conflicts with the friend's wife sounded really petty and superficial...who wants that on a getaway? If it were me, I'd find a way to not let the petty conflicts get under my skin. Why do you care what she thinks of you anyway? If you're serious about making it work with OH this time then you ladies are going to have to find a way to be at least civil with one another.

I've never really been given the chance to know her and vice versa. From the very first meeting, there was issues and it was all dicsussed between her and my OH. I was never included in the discussions and only given 2nd hand information.

I did tell OH I was hurt, and it went from me being told they were going and I'm not invited to him breaking up with me and telling me to move out. It was never at discussion level for him. I don't know what this particular couple say to him, but they must really get in his ear, because we were really happy before they started to get involved in our relationship - and they openly admit to me they get involved in our relationship.

Also Wife deleted me off facebook just to make sure I got the point how much she hated me!

[solarion]

If this is really as lopsided as you say and OH doesn't care about your side of the story, then you should just walk away as it's likely a sign of greater issues between the two of you.

Deleted off facebook...oh my, that's terrible! lol

[basilandthyme]

Solarion has a point. If your OH doesn't care and won't change anything, then there's no point getting back together.

Suggest you move back out. DO NOT get back together with him unless this whole friendship issue is resolved once and for all to your satisfaction.

[smarta$$]

And just because someone is married, that makes their relationship more important than a de-facto relationship?

Actually, it does. To unload YOU would be a matter of just breaking up. To unload HER would require lawyers and judges and lots of paperwork. That man has already dedicated himself to a life with her; that's why he married her. YOur man broke up with you when there was a problem.

Again, your problem isn't her; it's your boyfriend. HE decides what is most important to himself.

[Wakeup]

Thailand with another woman and his best buddy? Are you sure they aren't going over for a sex holiday that you'd never consider staying in a relationship with him if you knew he was going to partake in?

Thailand is known for it's drugs and sex trade. I, for one, would not stay together with someone that didn't take me along with them to a place like that. Either I get to enjoy the high-jinx too or neither of us do

Your partner is an inconsiderate ass and if he cared about you, I'm more then sure that he would be freaked the **** out if you went on a holiday with your female friend and her husband to a place like Thailand without him.

I'd be thinking twice about him. You barely knew him when you moved in with him so I guess you're finding out now what a lunk he can be. (And no. Knowing him in a work colleague capacity doesn't count as actually knowing him like you would know him if he were pursuing you romantically).

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Really fk with them and book a flight to the same place and in the same hotel as they'll be staying in but have nothing to do with any of them. LMAO

[SuperHappyTime1]

But I still don't understand why he wouldn't want me to share in that part of his life and also, guys, if you were in my shoes, what would you do?

Um, get in a massive fight.

Sorry, that's not what you're looking for, but let's look at what Wakeup said:

Are you sure they aren't going over for a sex holiday that you'd never consider staying in a relationship with him if you knew he was going to partake in?

Thailand is known for it's drugs and sex trade. I, for one, would not stay together with someone that didn't take me along with them to a place like that.

Thailand has a wealth of culture worth learning about and exploring, somewhere you could go and have a fantastic voyage with somebody and experience unique human wonders.

The reverse side of that coin can be summed up as going there because it's Vegas for Roman Polanski, Bill Clinton, and Jared from the Subway ads.

If he isn't inviting you, he isn't going for the former, he's going for the latter. You need to stick up for your stake in the relationship and make him realize it's about both of you and not about just him.

[basilandthyme]

Thailand is known for it's drugs and sex trade. I, for one, would not stay together with someone that didn't take me along with them to a place like that.

Just a little context: Thailand is also a highly popular family destination for Aussies. And for groups of friends wanting a quick and easy getaway. My sisters-in-law go there with friends annually. Sure, the seedy underbelly can be found - but, for Aussies, it's known for far more than just sex and drugs. I wouldn't bat an eyelid if my hubby went there with the boys.

[Wakeup]

Well then, I guess the whole issue is that Op's OH is NOT just going with "the boys."

[basilandthyme]

Well then, I guess the whole issue is that Op's OH is NOT just going with "the boys."

Exactly......