So I've been dating this guy who wants to be really intimate, but I'm not at the same place and I'm not sure what to do. I want to be just as intimate and fantasize about doing stuff all the time, but when we get to that point in reality I freak out and over think things too much and can't do it. He gets really excited and turned on every time leading up to things, and then when I change my mind at the end he feels so bad and gets upset saying next time don't ask me to do stuff with you because I always end up getting disappointed in the end. Part of me still wants to go further and try getting there, but when he says that I feel really crappy and don't want to anymore. I understand how he must feel because it's happened several times, but I feel like his reaction is so harsh and final.
I guess I'm torn about how intimate I want to be, because I fantasize about it a lot, but the thought of actually doing certain stuff makes feels really slutty. Like I'm barely comfortable writing this and the note in parenthesis below, while he is super open about talking about this stuff. I'm not sure how to find the middle ground where I'm comfortable.
One thing he has been really wanting to do is Skype each other while I use a vibrator and we watch each other. We've talked about it before and today I was super into it and told him we'd do it when he got off of work, but then an hour later when he called that he was going home, I still wanted to, but felt really weird about it and started thinking what are we doing/it's "wrong"/ what would ppl think etc. So I told him I wasn't sure anymore and maybe we could just Skype and go from there or just talk. He said this sucked and that he was gonna just go to sleep then (he was annoyed, but not mad). After a few min I thought maybe it would be fine after all and was debating texting him, but then he texted me and said" "honestly from now on don't ask me to do things with you. Have a goodnight". I felt horrible because i was just going to say lets go for it ad hes like don't ask me again. Like i said, i've changed my mind a few times like this before and i guess he felt like he's over it? But he reacts this way every time, even when we do stuff (I don't say no every time) he thinks it's not far enough, or else when I talk about wanting to do something, he says no I know you really aren't going to go through with it, which makes me defensive. In this case, I feel really bad because it has happened before and i want to apologize, but his reaction makes me not want to say sorry.
I think he should apologize for instantly saying he never wants to do anything like this again. I don't think it's fair for him to make me feel so bad regardless of the situation. Probably because he does this every time and I don't want to always feel bad for saying no.
Do you think I'm a horrible person for changing my mind like that? What should do? I don't think I want to see him again unless he apologizes about what he said, but knowing him he won't because he thinks this is my fault. And as I said i feel like I should apologize too cuz he felt so bad about it, but I want him to first.
(Note: I'm not talking about sex. We're both waiting until marriage for that. I'm referring to blow jobs and video sex and using a vibrator. Also, we haven't done as much in person. I feel like I would be more comfortable if we did, but he thinks it's all the same. We see each other about once a week but talk every day.)
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Sorry, didn't realize this was so long! Hope some of you guys read it and reply please