Getting comfortable with intimacy/fights over saying no

[farah52]

So I've been dating this guy who wants to be really intimate, but I'm not at the same place and I'm not sure what to do. I want to be just as intimate and fantasize about doing stuff all the time, but when we get to that point in reality I freak out and over think things too much and can't do it. He gets really excited and turned on every time leading up to things, and then when I change my mind at the end he feels so bad and gets upset saying next time don't ask me to do stuff with you because I always end up getting disappointed in the end. Part of me still wants to go further and try getting there, but when he says that I feel really crappy and don't want to anymore. I understand how he must feel because it's happened several times, but I feel like his reaction is so harsh and final.

I guess I'm torn about how intimate I want to be, because I fantasize about it a lot, but the thought of actually doing certain stuff makes feels really slutty. Like I'm barely comfortable writing this and the note in parenthesis below, while he is super open about talking about this stuff. I'm not sure how to find the middle ground where I'm comfortable.

One thing he has been really wanting to do is Skype each other while I use a vibrator and we watch each other. We've talked about it before and today I was super into it and told him we'd do it when he got off of work, but then an hour later when he called that he was going home, I still wanted to, but felt really weird about it and started thinking what are we doing/it's "wrong"/ what would ppl think etc. So I told him I wasn't sure anymore and maybe we could just Skype and go from there or just talk. He said this sucked and that he was gonna just go to sleep then (he was annoyed, but not mad). After a few min I thought maybe it would be fine after all and was debating texting him, but then he texted me and said" "honestly from now on don't ask me to do things with you. Have a goodnight". I felt horrible because i was just going to say lets go for it ad hes like don't ask me again. Like i said, i've changed my mind a few times like this before and i guess he felt like he's over it? But he reacts this way every time, even when we do stuff (I don't say no every time) he thinks it's not far enough, or else when I talk about wanting to do something, he says no I know you really aren't going to go through with it, which makes me defensive. In this case, I feel really bad because it has happened before and i want to apologize, but his reaction makes me not want to say sorry.

I think he should apologize for instantly saying he never wants to do anything like this again. I don't think it's fair for him to make me feel so bad regardless of the situation. Probably because he does this every time and I don't want to always feel bad for saying no.

Do you think I'm a horrible person for changing my mind like that? What should do? I don't think I want to see him again unless he apologizes about what he said, but knowing him he won't because he thinks this is my fault. And as I said i feel like I should apologize too cuz he felt so bad about it, but I want him to first.

(Note: I'm not talking about sex. We're both waiting until marriage for that. I'm referring to blow jobs and video sex and using a vibrator. Also, we haven't done as much in person. I feel like I would be more comfortable if we did, but he thinks it's all the same. We see each other about once a week but talk every day.)

- - - Updated - - -

Sorry, didn't realize this was so long! Hope some of you guys read it and reply please

[basilandthyme]

I just wrote a long response then re-read your post and changed my mind.

Here's what I think is going on:

He wants sex and is working you really hard to get it. You want to please him, but you're not ready for sex. (Make no mistake, fooling around like what you're doing is every bit as sexual as actual intercourse)

Because you're not ready, you try to make him happy but then pull back from the idea. He's pissed and hurt because he sees that you've wound him up for nothing.

Thing is, it's totally understandable that he be angry and hurt about this being a repeated thing. And it's understandable that you're changing your mind because you're not ready. I also think that both of you have a degree of immaturity which is contributing to all of this. In short, forget about apologising and start afresh with new parameters for your relationship.

Which new parameters? I think that what you need is a non-sexual relationship. And don't try to have sex until you feel emotionally ready to engage in sexual activities without the whole guilt thing.

I don't know where the relationship with this boy will go. But you need to tell him that all this backing out indicates that you're simply not ready.

[farah52]

Hi, thanks for the reply. I think you're right about the immaturity part, especially with my focus on the whole apology aspect. I should set up some parameters with him, like you said. I'm really not sure how far I am ready to go though. On the one hand I want to go pretty far and just relax and have fun/ let go, but then I freeze up. I think it's because I've been raised pretty conservatively so everything seems like stuff you're "not supposed to do". I know for certain I'm not going to have sex before marriage, regardless of if I want to or not, but for everything else, I'm just not sure how to figure it out.

As for starting in a non-sexual relationship, we were friends before we started dating so we did start that way. Maybe this is just too big of a jump for me and we need to go a lot slower. We've had a lot of ups and downs recently in the relationship so figuring out where it's going might help as well.

Anyway, thanks again. What did you originally write as a reply? I'm curious.

[basilandthyme]

Ah, in my original reply I missed the bit where he seems to be pressuring you into sexual activity. Therefore, I was more harsh on you repeatedly stopping after getting him all wound up. And I was more understanding of him getting angry and frustrated. But now I think you're being put in a position which you're not ready for - hence you being uncomfortable and stopping.

I find it really hard to advise methods for dealing with your upbringing - because we raised our 16yo daughter with the idea that sex is a fun, wonderful and joyous thing to share with someone we care about. That our body is capable of the most marvelous things. We had no issue with her losing her virginity to a lovely, respectful boy she'd been dating for a year. We've also spent a lot of time talking about issues of consent and respect. I'm not trying to change your view or undermine your parents teachings - just letting you know that there are other views out there.

The one thing I can give you is to remind you to trust your instincts. If you're not 100% onboard with sexual activity, don't do it. You'll end up feeling shamed and he'll end up confused (and therefore, hurt and angry) about any negative reactions you may have.

[Chock]

There's nothing wrong with abstaining and not wanting to go all the way, however, to get a guy really hot and then stop it very frustrating and unfair. It would be the same if he did that to you and you really wanted sex.

You need to set some parameters so you don't get yourselves so excited and frustrated. If you into oral and reaching climax, you might as well have intercourse.