A man who desperately needs a female perspective

[Marksmith1]

Hi Ladies

I desperately need some relationship advice. I'm a 31 year old man and work with a woman who I am head over heels in love with. This is not a crush. I wish it was. The big issue is that she lives with her boyfriend who she has been going out with for about 10 years. They have only recently moved in together. I joined the company after this.

Now I am not someone who would try to break up a relationship. I liked her but never asked her out for that very important reason. However, in the last few months we have become very close. Our interests are identical even small far out things to the point we both stop and think how can we be that similar. We speak every day at work and she calls and texts me every day. We speak for hours most days after work. She usually calls and texts me first. She called me earlier today and on the phone for over an hr. I feel that she is showing physical tell tale signs. Always asking how I am, playing with her hair when we talk, fixing her clothes, sitting very close to me, asking how my sick relative is etc etc. She always asks my advice and seems she just likes being in my company. There is chemistry when we are together. However, no very obvious flirting signs.

She is a very mature intelligent lady and I don't think she would ever make it that apparent that she likes me that way. I think I have given her the impression that I really really like her and she has not backed off in her interaction with me which I assumed someone would do who has a boyfriend and not interesred in me that way. I have no girl or woman friends that I can ask for advice and I can't stop thinking about her. I don't know what to do. I'm not concerned about my job if we were to date. Half of me thinks she likes me as a friend and the other half thinks she likes me romantically but is worried about her job and current relationship and is very nervous on taking the next step. I am getting so many mixed vibes from her it is sending me crazy. Any advice would be hugely appreciated.

Many thanks

Mark

[basilandthyme]

She's grooming you to be the 'other man'. Tis a fling she wants

[Wakeup]

Are you that naïve that you can't see an emotional affair when you're smack dab in the middle of it? Just because you give her attention and she gives it to you, it doesn't mean that you love her nor does it mean that she loves you or that she would ever leave her live in boyfriend for you.

Do yourself a favor and completely back off from her. If she texts you, ignore it. If she calls you, let it go to voice mail, if she emails you and it's not directly work related then ignore it too. When she asks you why you're not returning her attempts at communication then you tell her that you got so involved in your interactions with her that you failed to see how inappropriate it is to her boyfriend and any new partner you may get in the future and so you're leaving your friendliness towards one another to that of work colleagues and that you hope she sees your point. Don't let her talk you out of anything other then that because at this point, you are stagnating yourself from finding a partner that is free to be yours because you mind is obsessed with her and therefore your heart is not free to be open enough to meeting YOUR future girlfriend.

Get over your "crush" by doing that and soon enough you'll be to the stage of indifference to her. Don't let her play you a minute longer.

[Marksmith1]

I'm 31 years old and with the greatest respect I am able to differentiate between a crush and love.

[basilandthyme]

I'm 31 years old and with the greatest respect I am able to differentiate between a crush and love.

When all that amazingly unbearable chemistry and *can't stop thinking about you* dies down and you're left with deeper but calmer feelings - that's love.

[Wakeup]

I'm 31 years old and with the greatest respect I am able to differentiate between a crush and love.

What actions has there been exchanged that tell you that you love her? Love is an action word and neither of you have done ANYTHING to show the other that it is love. A few chats and some common interests are not actions of "love."

You've spent zero time with her getting to know the real her... everything you know about her is superficial exchanges wherein she is mirroring you and you her so you don't even know how she is outside of your little chats.

Anyway... that's neither here nor there. The rest of my post applies and is something that you should gather up the strength to do because you're just keeping yourself mired in this little infatuation (not love) that you have going for her (and she you, perhaps?) and being mired in infatuation for someone who is not free to be yours is you being very unloving to YOURSELF. Surely you believe you deserve to be in a full relationship with someone that is free to be yours... someone who you can pursue your crushing and infatuation and lust with and not just be suckered along for the game that this taken women is playing with you?

- - - Updated - - -

BTW: Can you articulate to us what makes you think that this is "love" and not just a "crush" What are the differences in the two that make you believe that you are in love with her?

[Marksmith1]

As you will appreciate and are already aware, she is in a relationship plus we work with each other. We can hardly 'demonstrate our feelings' in the way you describe. Somewhat restricted by our professional and personal boundaries. I do everything within my power to make sure she is feeling ok, not down, safe and not under pressure with work. I get her medicine if she is sick, help her with work when she is under pressure and generally make sure she is feeling ok. I worry about her. I am obviously restricted in what I can do given the situation as described above. She does all those things for me before anyone says she is taking advantage of me.

[Wakeup]

As you will appreciate and are already aware, she is in a relationship plus we work with each other. We can hardly 'demonstrate our feelings' in the way you describe. Somewhat restricted by our professional and personal boundaries. I do everything within my power to make sure she is feeling ok, not down, safe and not under pressure with work. I get her medicine if she is sick, help her with work when she is under pressure and generally make sure she is feeling ok. I worry about her. I am obviously restricted in what I can do given the situation as described above. She does all those things for me before anyone says she is taking advantage of me.

So? What is your point? Are you trying to illustrate how you are the equivalent to her dry-land "Pool Boy?"

None of that means anything other then you being like her faithful Labrador Retriever. Those are not actions of romantic love, those are actions of someone trying to ingratiate themselves in the life of someone who is not available. You make YOURSELF feel important to her and then mistake your perceived importance as being romantic feelings.

Anyway... all of this is neither here nor there. The bottom line is that you are stagnating yourself from finding your own girlfriend that you can date, hold hands with, kiss, do fun things with outside of work (other then superficial lunches that just fuel your crush). In other words you are not open to meeting a woman that you can have it all with while you play this little fantasy game that you're playing with her.

She uses you for something that is missing in her primary relationship and you enable her to keep doing it... Ask yourself why you are afraid of commitment as it's only someone who fears committed relationships that allows themselves to become vulnerable to those that are unable to commit.

BTW: Those actions of "love" you describe are no more or no less then what platonic friends would be doing for one another. The problem is, you've subconsciously made yourself think that you are more important to her then what you actually are and have mistaken that perceived importance as reciprocated "love." Back away and your crush will diminish. When you stop doing things for her and thereby making yourself feel important to her, your infatuation will wane... which of course is a good thing because then you can find someone who is free to be yours... once you work on your fear of commitment, of course.

What is your romantic/dating history like? You're in your early 30's so there must be a story to tell.