how can i save my relationship before its too late?

[b0ris]

I have been with my partner for 5 yrs,but in the last 2 yrs we have argued like hell, & have not spoken sometimes for up to a month (she would start this behaviour & I would then let it run hoping that she would stop). The arguements got more intense because my dad had been ill wth lung liver & kidney cancer & then died 18 months ago. I was very stressed during this time & altho it is no excuse it put a lot of strain on me.

Then she told me she needed space but didn't want me to move out. She didn't want to break up & we sleeep in the same bed, but she doesn't want me to touch her.

She got drunk tonight & told me that she has felt very hurt mentally & emotionally by the things I said when we argued. I said a lot of horrible things which I didn't mean but they came out with my anger.
She told me that there were many times when she got hit on during this time, but she never acted on it as she hoped we could save the relationship. She still hopes we can save the relationship.

My question is this: How can I save this,relationship, & what can I do to to show her that I love her with all my heart & soul again?

[basilandthyme]

Well you start by getting anger management counselling. Look at why you think/thought it was OK to say hateful things when angry. (if you didn't think it was OK, you wouldn't have done it)

Together, you need to look at the issues you're fighting over and find ongoing and permanent solutions. If solutions can't be found, then the relationship cannot be saved.

[b0ris]

I feel like a total pig for some of the things I have said, & in the past I have apologised quickly after making them.
We started arguing from the beginning of the relationship. It always started with her accusing me of having an affair, or for looking at other women, neither of which were true & the arguments were short but were sorted out quickly. She didn't trust me. Then after 2.5 yrs of these accusations every wk or 2 wks, & with my Dad being rushed in & out of hospital constantly i just snapped & lost my temper while we were out at the beach together. I was shouting at her, & ppl were looking.
Since then, & since the death of my father I have found any accusations that she makes against me makes me react in this way.

I really do not want to lose this lady. I don't like being in this heightened sensitive mood. I just want to be like I was before all of this.

How can I show her that I am committed to making a permanent change? How can I gain her love and affection once more?

[basilandthyme]

An apology is meaningless if we repeat the behaviour. As you continued the behaviour, your apologies are therefore null and void.

If the two of you are to salvage this, you both need to make very big changes. You are both extremely dysfunctional. She needs to stop accusing you and you need to stop saying bad things if you are upset. The two of you need to practice this and make it the new normal. Make a deal that if either of you breaks this pledge, there will be serious consequences.

All that said, BOTH of you need individual counselling. You need to find out why you'd stay with a woman who does this to you and delve further into your anger issues. She needs to find out why she doesn't trust you and why she thinks it's OK to constantly accuse you of cheating.

Both of you are very broken and I can't guarantee that you can make this work. But if you both make changes starting today, perhaps you can save it.

[Wakeup]

Remember how you idolized her and had her up on a pedestal when you first started dating? Do that again and hopefully she'll give back to you what she is receiving.

[b0ris]

I have been so stressed these last few yrs - my dads illness & passing, helping my mum out as she's 81 yrs old & now on her own, hated my job for yrs & not being able yo find something better (until 2 wks ago).

I shouldn't have taken it out on her, even if she was accusing me of cheating or didn't trust me or from jealousy.
I love this lady & just want us to get back to a time before all this stress & drama

[TheEvilJester]

I understand you probably don't want to share the specifics with us, but if you can offer any examples of things you have said/done, it might shed more light on the situation. I'm inclined to agree with the others, that a good start would be to begin to work on you and learning how to better deal with your anger in a more constructive way.....

The thing is, maybe there is more to the story that you didn't share. I have personally been in a situation where I was pushed to a point where I did not like the person I had become. I HAD tried being the supportive, caring, understanding person I AM, but one can only do that for so long before they are unappreciated so much to a point that they can no longer be Mr. Nice Guy. I think we've all experienced that, and I think we are all guilty of doing things we are not proud of as result of being pushed too far.

So, is it a case of you being pushed too far to where you CAN'T bring yourself to be a nice guy anymore? If so, then that is a good sign that the relationship may be very bad for you, and you need to get yourself out of it. Or, on the other hand, do you find that you have a hard time not getting to that high level of anger even though your gal has never done anything to provoke you to that? In other words, would the pattern be likely to change in another relationship (unless, of course, the new gal pushes you all the same), or do you think it may very well just repeat itself regardless? That's the difference between whether the problem is within you (or at least in part) or if the problem is just the relationship. Being in a bad relationship can make monsters of the best of us.

I only ask because I know from experience how you can be pushed to a point where even you are beginning to doubt yourself. It has happened to me where I no longer had the patience to deal with the BS anymore, and it took me a while to realize that the problem wasn't me, the problem was that I had been pushed too far and, instead of realizing that and rescuing myself from the situation, I allowed myself to become somebody I did not recognize because I thought it was just my lot in life.

So, if nothing else, maybe you need to take a step back from the relationship. You need time to determine what side of the coin would best describe your situation. Either way, though, working to improve yourself is definitely never a bad thing. It would just be better if you recognize what drove you to this point so to better understand what you may need to do to deal with it and get better. Good luck to you.

[aadi]

late him meet new beautiful peoples which is many more in the whole world

[Wakeup]

I have been so stressed these last few yrs - my dads illness & passing, helping my mum out as she's 81 yrs old & now on her own, hated my job for yrs & not being able yo find something better (until 2 wks ago).

I shouldn't have taken it out on her, even if she was accusing me of cheating or didn't trust me or from jealousy.
I love this lady & just want us to get back to a time before all this stress & drama

Yea.... you already said that.

[TheEvilJester]

It always started with her accusing me of having an affair, or for looking at other women, neither of which were true & the arguments were short but were sorted out quickly. She didn't trust me. Then after 2.5 yrs of these accusations every wk or 2 wks, & with my Dad being rushed in & out of hospital constantly i just snapped & lost my temper while we were out at the beach together. I was shouting at her, & ppl were looking.
Since then, & since the death of my father I have found any accusations that she makes against me makes me react in this way.

I missed this when I responded before, but you see something.... this is exactly why I was saying what I said in my response. See, here is an example of exactly what I was talking about. This, to me, sounds a lot more like she pushed you to this breaking point, not that you are just an unreasonable angry jerk who snaps at everybody and needs to deal with his anger issues. I mean, she constantly accuses you of cheating on her.... even to the point where you are super stressed with your dad's health issues.... yet instead of being a loving and supporting partner, instead she keeps adding to your stress.

Have you ever given her any reason not to trust you? Heck, if you did once but have since improved, you at least eventually deserve to be trusted again as long as you prove you deserve it. If you never have given her any reason not to trust you, then that only makes her even more guilty in my view. Honestly, I sort of wonder whether you shouldn't be thinking "Can I keep myself from losing this girl" but instead asking yourself "Should I even want to avoid losing her?"

Now, maybe that is just me. I have some personal experience with being stuck with a terrible, selfish, and unsupportive partner. So, maybe I'm just relating my own personal experience too much to this story.

All that said, am I saying you are absolutely 100% not to blame at all and you don't need to work on anything? No, I'm not saying that at all. It is definitely very good of you to want to be better in how you deal with your anger. Getting pushed to that breaking point is not good. It is certainly not good to act the way you have described. I'm just saying, it doesn't excuse it, but it at least makes it understandable if you were pushed to that point. Definitely do still agree, though, that it could be beneficial to learn how to better deal with your anger even when you are pushed that far.

But, IF she is pushing you to that (in other words, you are not necessarily quick to anger, but it is that she pushes you to it) then the first step would be to remove yourself from the situation. If, on the other hand, it is that you are pushed to anger too easily (and she really isn't the problem), then you owe it to her, to your other loved ones, and to yourself to learn how to better handle stress.

Good luck to you either way in fighting the good fight.

[b0ris]

I was fine until about 2 yrs ago. I could deal quite well with the accusations & silence, & didn't allow the silence to go for too long by apologising just to end it. I know the exact day that this behaviour of mine started. We had gone to the beach that day & my dad gad been rushed into hospital the day before as he couldn't breathe. I felt really guilty for saying no to my brother when he asked me if I was going to visit my dad with him & my mum, & I was worrying all day at the beach about him possibly dying while I wasn't there (he had been rushed in a few times before & every time I stressed & worried about him).
My partner & i walked across the beach & had to squeeze between ppl sunbathing to get to the steps.
We got to the top of the steps & i said something & all i got was silence. In my head i already knew what it was all about. I asked her what was wrong? (already thinking the worst & stressing inside with everything that was going on in my head). I asked again & she said that i only walked to the steps to check out all the girls in bikinis. I WENT MENTAL WITH HER! - shouting, swearing waving my arms around like a maniac. I had had enough & i just couldn't deal with all the stress. A small part of me wanted to leave her there, but i wouldn't have done it.
Since that moment i have been like this. My dad had been in several times afterwards & then died back in Jan 14. I feel like I just can't cope with him during his illness, watching this strong lively man waste away, helping him & my mum out during this period, his death, now helping my mum out (they were both elderly), & the mess he left in their house - the clutter, the double garage full to the ceiling with junk & the house being in ruins which I am now trying to sort out on my own.
It is all just too much

[TheEvilJester]

You see, this all just supports my theory even more so. I can't know whether your situation is as much like mine as I am thinking it seems. All I can say is that this sounds to me a lot more like a situation where SHE PUSHED YOU to this level, not where you are an unreasonable guy.

Again, please don't misunderstand. I am not saying it is okay for you to act the way you did in your above story, screaming, yelling, resorting to profanities, etc. I am just saying, unless I misunderstand your story, the problem is NOT that you have historically been so short-tempered, the problem is that your recent stress has pushed you to having a short fuse.

You have gone through a lot. You lost your father. It is perfectly understandable if that has you a bit shaken up, especially after the lengthy process you described of his illness. Before I go any further, let me just say that I am so very sorry for your loss, and especially sorry for how you had to go through it. It is never easy to lose a loved one, but especially not one so close as a father. I know words cannot really help much, but just know in time you will be okay. He'll never be fully gone because he will live on in your heart and in the fond memories you have of him.

Now, let's pretend for a moment that there was no additional stress in your life beyond what you went through with your father.... even then I'd still say it is understandable if you are struggling. .... But the story you describe.... I have to admit, I'd have had a hard time not acting the same way you did. Your father has been having ongoing health problems...... your father is CURRENTLY in the hospital again (at the time of that story), and yet your girlfriend can't take a break from her stupid, petty, immature bull crap for ONE DAMN DAY. I don't know why you are worried about whether or not you've burned your bridge with this gal, I think you should be feeling like SHE burned it a LONG time ago.

What exactly are you holding onto here? From what you've described of her, I think YOU deserve better than HER. Again, perhaps I am misunderstanding the story, but if it truly is what I am gathering from the details you have shared, then I have NO sympathy for her.

Don't me wrong. You should still deal with your stress, deal with the pain of your loss, and deal with the anger all of this has instilled in you. I'm not at all saying that, because there are understandable reasons for your anger, that you are free and clear. You do still need to deal with this and fix it. I'm just saying, don't beat yourself up too much. Who among us WOULDN'T be struggling after everything you've been through?

The decision ultimately has to be yours, but if your gal really is like the image I am getting in my head from the stories you share, I'd seriously re-consider whether she deserves you at all. Good luck to you.

[b0ris]

Thank you for your kind words & advice TheEvilJester. I know that I have changed inside mentally from all that has happened in these last few yrs. It has beaten me down.
I love this woman but I had had enough of the completely untrue accusations that she threw at me. I have said some horrible things,to her. I told her that it was no wonder she was still single when she came to the UK with her way of thinking, & that if she believed that all men cheat & look at other women then she should remain on her own, & that if she kept treating ppl in this way then she would remain a miserable bitter woman until she was old. I even called her a cow once (she has called me worse tbh). I shouldn't have said any of that to her as it must have been painful to hear, but it just jumped from me during those moments where I couldnt stand anymore stresses in my life.

When my father died I was numb for a few days. It didn't feel real. Then the day after the funeral I just got so upset all the time. I would go to the bathroom when i could feel it coming over me just so that I didn't upset anyone else. I didn't want them to see me upset either. I have a love/hate issue with my dad. I love him & felt so sad seeing him waste away, but after his death he left me with a lot of his problems to deal with. I need to see someone about my issues but I don't know who to turn to.

[TheEvilJester]

You know, the things you mention above that you said to her.... I don't honestly think most of them WERE uncalled for or unnecessarily cruel. Okay, calling her a cow was a bit out of line.... but I'm not blaming you for that. Hell, I would be amazed if "cow" is actually the worst of what you called her. I'd be amazed by your constraint.

Now, I didn't hear the specific words you chose in what you said, or the manner in which you said them, so I cannot comment as an eye witness.... but most of the things you said to her (from what you mention above) were things she honestly deserved, and very possibly needed to hear. After all, if you've given her NO reason to mistrust you, then that means the problem is her. If her mistrust has continued for a long period of time, then it is likely not to change unless she does something to change it.... and the fact of the matter is it WOULD repeat in other relationships and it would make it nearly impossible for her to ever actually find a happy relationship. There is just about nobody who would put up with constant unfounded accusations, especially if and when they have done nothing to deserve them. So, maybe it was the rude awakening she needed. Then again, maybe she'll just continue in her ways, not thinking there is anything wrong with it.

Anyway, I think it is great that you are able to admit that you feel you may need help. Too often, people think that is a sign of weakness, but it is NOT. We ALL need help sometimes. If you get yourself caught in a particularly rough patch, it may be a mistake to think you can just go it alone.

As far as to whom you actually turn for help, that could vary. Really depends on your specific situation. Maybe you lean on family. Maybe you lean on friends. If things are bad enough, and you are having a hard enough time getting yourself out of it, please do not hesitate to seek professional help. I know people tend to have a stigma about that, and they avoid it like the plague. The thing is, professional help is NOT just for "crazy" people. Even the best of us could use it sometimes, whether or not we ever do actually utilize it. If you find yourself in a funk from which you cannot seem to escape, a trained professional may well be able to help you develop the tools you need to finally beat it.

When it comes to your relationship with this particular gal, I will again remind you to take my advice with a grain of salt and decide what you think is best. I say this because I do not know the situation first-hand. I am only some stranger on the world wide interwebs. Maybe the issues you describe are one little issue with a woman who is otherwise the most amazing creature ever to enter your life. I don't know that. Only you can. I am just saying that, from what you have shared with us, it sounds to me personally like maybe you deserve better.

As I always say, good luck to you. In everything.

[smarta$$]

Why did you choose to go to the beach instead of the hospital the day after your father got sick?

(i have my theories, but I will wait to post them until you respond.)