Looking for some advice

[Rwm102600]

Ok, so I've been in a relationship for almost 6 months, we are both in our 30s, and I've never been happier. The woman I've been seeing is the most amazing, wonderful, kind, caring and loving person I've ever met. I've literally never been with someone who I've felt this way about, and I want to make this one The One. But I'm an idiot. I have one single hangup, and as rediculous as this is, I'm having a major problem with it.
I have a strong psychological aversion to alcohol. I'll spare you the details, but it goes back to my parents divorce when I was a preteen. This wonderful woman enjoys a glass of wine a couple times a week. She also enjoys going out once every few months and having a few drinks. This digs at me like I can't explain. The times that really bother me are when she has a hard day and tells me she is going home and having a drink bc she's had such a difficult day. Also, several months ago, she went out once, and got very drunk, and had to be carried out of the bar. This has happened exactly one time in her life, but she seems to find it funny, and almost seems proud of it. I have told her of my issue, and stated very emphatically that it is MY issue, and I need to deal with it. I do not want her to change bc of it. She is usually very responsible about it, but that one incident, and how she seems, "proud" of it make me question how responsible she is. My questions are simple. Am I over reacting to that one time? And how do I keep myself from getting upset when she wants to sit at home and have a glass of wine, or go out for a few drinks with her friends? In almost 6 months, this is the only issue that has arisen, and I don't want to lose this great person bc of my own psychological issues. Any advice or comments would be greatly appreciated.

[Guysiness]

It's ok to not like alcohol, and I can understand the history behind it.
And to be honest, drunk women are not that attractive, no matter what anyone says. Actually drunk people no matter the gender are not that attractive.
But, it can happen to almost anyone to get drunk once in their life. So, i think that when it comes to that carried out of the bar drunk stage of hers, you are not overreacting that much, but a glass of wine with a meal is ok. You should talk to her, point out that you don't want her to change, and say that you would just like to have her support in dealing with any problem you have with that alcohol aversion, and also point out that you would like to have a compromise about that subject, like: you will try to be ok with her glass of wine with a meal, but if she doesn't get drunk again, and so on. try that. You two should talk about it.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, a couple qualifying questions...

How often does she actually get drunk? It doesn't even have to be completely sloppy, having to be carried out of the bar drunk, but just drunk in general. Simply drinking alcohol does not mean you are getting drunk. For example, when you say she is having one glass of wine, that is almost certainly not getting her "drunk," probably not even "tipsy."

When she does drink, does she usually drink responsibly? In other words, does she have some safe method for getting home such as a designated driver or calling a cab? Has she ever driven drunk (or does she ever)?

If she is typically very responsible and not excessive with her drinking, then yes you are over-reacting. Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying that intending to blame you. You can't help that you feel that way, especially considering you have valid reasons... but you can learn to better understand the difference in your own head with when you are just over-reacting based on your past experience, or when you are reacting appropriately. I sure as heck can understand why you are so opposed to the idea. The thing is, as long as she is not doing it irresponsibly and/or hurting herself or others, there is nothing wrong with her drinking now and then. Heck, there is even nothing wrong if she enjoys getting drunk sometimes. A lot of adults enjoy that.

I, myself, happen to not drink. Never have, never will. It just doesn't interest me. So, I can understand how you feel. All the same, most people do, and a lot of people enjoy allowing themselves to let loose and drink somewhat to excess now and then. So, it doesn't bother me when others do it as long as they are responsible. Heck, I don't even mind being the designated driver for my friends or family as needed so they can enjoy drinking and I can just enjoy their company.

I think, regardless of whether it has anything to do with her or not, you should deal with your negative feelings toward drinking. Again, please do not misunderstand. I can fully understand how you feel and why you feel that way. The thing is, though, whatever were the specifics of your situation, not everybody who drinks is unable to do so responsibly. Don't punish somebody else for the sins of another. I am sure this gal wouldn't be "proud" if she got THAT drunk all the time, nor would she be "proud" if she had done something irresponsible such as driving under those circumstances.

I'd venture to guess that "proud" is even the wrong word to use for this situation. I mean, I could be wrong, but I think it would be more a situation where she is laughing at herself as opposed to actually thinking it was awesome she was that drunk.

I, for one, have experienced first-hand the difference between people who just enjoy drinking and the people who can't drink without letting it get out of hand. My ex used to enjoy drinking, even getting drunk. Nothing wrong with that..... BUT she could never drink without letting it get to excess. Unlike most normal adult human beings, she could not control herself. She'd get super drunk, and be completely loud, annoying, and embarrassing to the point where I, or if I weren't there one of her more responsible friends were made to feel like a frigging babysitter. I mean, literally it would be to the point where she'd be in danger of doing something really stupid like falling down the stairs if you didn't watch her. So, believe me.... There is a BIG difference between somebody who enjoys just having a little fun now and then, and somebody who takes it too far.

[b0ris]

I like TheEvilJester do not drink either. I used to between the age of 15 & 19, then realised it wasn't for me as I like to b in control. Never had a problem with others drinking & used to go out with my mates when they got hammered (which was actually quite amusing most of the time!).
However, when I was with an old ex of mine, she would get completely hammered, cause trouble with her & her friends & I would b expected to Mother them all. I stopped doing that after 2 yrs & told her that I wouldn't b going out 'socialising' with her anymore & so she would go out with her friends instead. It ended in her sleeping with another guy a few yrs down the line, which completely messed with my head. But it taught me to watch for signs in a relationship when it comes to 1 partner getting irresponsibly drunk.
I think that u need to not have an issue with others drinking, BUT keep an eye on her behaviour. If it gets worse then I would b a bit weary of where your relationship is heading.

[TheEvilJester]

Wow! That is funny, b0ris, that you and I have that in common. With the exception of your reprehensible ex cheating on you (mine never did, at least as far as I know), that almost sounds exactly like my experience. Good for you, as well, for being strong enough to start drinking, but be able to decide it just wasn't for you. If I were to ever try it, I have absolutely no concern that I'd be able to do the same. I'm not the addictive type, so you never do know, but I doubt I'd have problems with alcohol. All the same, it just never really interested me.

I know just how you must have felt, though, with your ex. Especially the way you describe feeling like you had to mother her. In a lot of ways, that is how I always felt when we'd go out somewhere that she would wind up drinking. Most adults can drink, even drink enough to be drunk, and they are still responsible enough to take care of themselves. My ex would be a loud, obnoxious, belligerent idiot. On top of that, you couldn't trust her not to do something stupid that could result in her injuring herself or others. On top of THAT, you also couldn't trust her to have the common sense to know when enough is enough, so around her you often had to worry that she'd drink too much and actually endanger herself of getting alcohol poisoning, or some other adverse effects. You'd actually have to be telling her she needs to stop, and she'd yell and fight it every step of the way like a child throwing a temper tantrum.

God, it is just one of a million reasons why I cannot understand how it took me so damn long to realize I deserve so much better.

This is sort of off topic, so apologies as I did not mean to hijack this thread. However, I don't think it is without merit to the original topic anyway. Back to the OP, hopefully the extreme examples of my ex and b0ris's ex can help put things in perspective for you a bit. If the ways we described the destructive drinking habits of our exes reminds you at all of your girl, then maybe there is a cause for concern.

On the other hand, if our exes make her sound like a frigging saint by comparison (and based on the details you shared, I would think that probably IS the case), then maybe that goes to show that you are just understandably sensitive to the topic because of your past. Good luck to you either way. If she's not drinking too excess and/or too often, then I'd say don't worry about it too much. Though, do keep cautious of whether or not she ever does start to get out of hand.

[Rwm102600]

Thank you all very much. It's nice to know I'm not the only one out there who has run into a situation like this. Jester, she definitely seems like a saint compared to you and B0ris' examples, so I'm sure that with seeing the extremes it can get to, I can find a way to work this out. I will be on the lookout for signs that she could be headed down that path, but being as how she is almost 40 years old, I don't see her suddenly taking that turn. Again, thank you to all of you. You have been a tremendous help.

[TheEvilJester]

Glad we could help, even if in some small way. If it wasn't already clear, let me make sure it is clear now.....

I certainly do not blame you for the way you feel. I don't think you should beat yourself up too much about that. It is understandable, given the history you shared, that you'd have negative feelings toward drinking. Drinking responsibly, though, is much different from the destructive drinking that you experienced as a spectator in the past. I think the fact that you realized that maybe you were over-reacting is a great first step, and a sign that you realize there is a difference even if your gut reaction is to almost feel like drinking is drinking is drinking. I think, in time, you will be able to feel a little better about it when you see that she continues to drink responsibly.

Good luck to you.

[roland366]

Thats funny, you should follow your heart

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