My girlfriend has become an inpatient for an indefinite time and I can't cope!

[krustykrab]

Just a quick update, guys. So I drove over an hour this morning to visit my girlfriend in the hospital. I will also point out that I've never been to a mental hospital in my life.
When I got there, I noticed a lot of older people there and there was an old gentlemen walking straight into a wall. Something about this place just made me feel uneasy and uncomfortable. My girlfriend is actually the youngest inpatient here, everyone else is about 40 and above, grannies included.
When I finally sat down with my girlfriend in her room, I felt a sudden rush of the most confusing emotions through me and I literally broke down in tears in front of her. I just felt so sad and pitiful that my own girlfriend who is young with an exciting future ahead of her, is trapped in here with all these people. I just felt so strongly that she doesn't belong in a place like this.. there is also such a huge age gap between her and everyone else so I wouldnt even expect her to want to participate in group activities. She literally just spends most of her time in her room idling, and she's expected to stay here for 3-4 weeks.
A part of me just felt broken today, and I can't explain why.

[pcmaster]

It seems like mental hospital is harder for you than her. You poor fella really love her dont you.
Its weird that everyone is older than her there cause young people have mental problems too. In my country theres even block in mental hospital for kids. I been visiting my relative who was is 40 years old and seen a lot of 20 year olds and even 18-17 year olds together with adults.

However good job by visiting her, you are brave man. Fact that you cried and could hold back only shows how much heart you have. You can do a lot in this life with it.
Hope she will walk out of hospital more stable and cheerful.

Thanks for update Krusty.

[TheEvilJester]

It is a shame that there are not more people her age. I am sure it would be more helpful to her to be able to have group sessions/activities with people her age going through the same kind of things she is going through as well. Is that the only hospital she can utilize?

That isn't the only thing that is important, though. It is also equally important if the doctors/therapists there are good. If she is just sitting in her room all day every day, how is that supposed to help her? She could do that at home.

Does she have sessions with a therapist while there? The point of an inpatient program should be to eventually get her well enough to leave the hospital and hopefully be better equipped to lead a normal life. She may never be completely free from issues, but the goal is that they at least help her develop the tools she needs to better handle life's daily tribulations.

Anyway, good for you for being there for you, and good for her for trying to do something to help herself. Giving up everything to go into a 24/7 care situation like that cannot be easy, but if she needed the help, it is really the best way for her to get it. I wish her the best in her struggles and hope that this is finally the help she needs.

Though, again, I will reiterate that it is very noble and great that you are trying to be there for her..... but it would also be fully understandable if it is too much for you to handle. That is something that will have to be your decision, but believe me, I understand that is NOT an easy decision at all. I am sure, in time, you will do what is best. If that does mean that you two break up, then that is the way it would have to be. You can't stay with somebody just because you are worried they will be unable to cope with losing you. Sometimes relationships end, and that is just part of life. I would only say IF you decide to end it, you shouldn't do so in a callous way, but I already get the impression you wouldn't.

Good luck to you.

[krustykrab]

It's a shame that it might be that particular hospital with older people, I was hoping as well that there would be more people her age then it would be easier to talk to groups. She gets hourly visits by nurses and sees the psychiatrist once or twice a day as apposed to weekly.

Anyway we had a long chat together and she was almost in tears when I had to go home (I was there with all my uni work for about 11 hours). She said she promised me she would do whatever it takes to get well just to save the relationship because she doesn't want to lose me. She also said that this relationship is what's keeping her alive (it's probably scary to hear something like that). On the other hand, she said she understands what I'm going through and would understand if I didn't want to be with her anymore (though that was said earlier in the day).

So I guess I'll make my decision by the end of the year. Thanks for the support, guys!

[pcmaster]

Great that she can talk with psychiatrist every day. That should help her a lot. Daily talking with human beings helps when you are in place like that.

Its not scary to hear that this relationship keeps her alive. Thats expected actually.
Think despite depression she should live active as she could. Even after hospital If she cant work full load then few days a week of few hours a day. Something to keep her busy and useful. Also going out and having fun is important. Missing out on life is really what feeds depression.

Well no matter if you stay with her or not at least you had this experience and you seen the other side of the live. Now you can appreciate more what you have.

[nheeya]

I truly understand your side, it's not gonna be easy to deal that kind of mental issue. She can't help it, and your human you can't just be patient forever. I'm glad you have a good relationship with his grandparents. But you have to think of your own welfare too. Give it a thought. You can still support her as friend no matter what. And most of all you can pray for her everyday.

[TheEvilJester]

I will say, pcmaster, that I sort of agree and sort of disagree with you at the same time. In a way, it is good that she looks at their relationship as one of the things making it worthwhile for her to keep living. On the other hand, though, that shouldn't be somebody's only reason, or what is keeping them alive, so to speak. For one thing, that is too much pressure to put on a person. Not to mention, relationships don't always last. Not that you should care so little that it doesn't even bother you to lose one, but you should be able to cope with the loss and move on. Don't get me wrong. I don't think she is intentionally putting pressure on him, or is intending to say that as a means to try to keep him around whether he wanted to stay or not.

Still, that is a lot to put on somebody, and this is a good example of why. From how it sounds, it seems like Krusty has 100% noble intentions and wants to be there for her as much as he can. So, assuming that, I'd personally feel confident that if Krusty decided it best to end things, it would be because it is for the best and not because he is cold-hearted. I DO NOT for a second get the impression that it would be a decision Krusty would be making lightly. So, IF he decides it best to end their relationship, he should be able to do so without having to worry that it would cause her to tailspin to a dangerous level.

I will say this, honestly if you do think you need to end things, Krusty, while she is in this in-patient situation may actually be the best time. After all, she's already getting 24/7 care, so if it causes her too much stress, she'd be amongst the people who can best help her cope anyway. It may not be such a good idea to dump that on her shortly after she finally gets out. Yet, if that is what you decided, you also shouldn't drag things along waiting for "the right time."

Though as others have pointed out, even if you do break up with her, that doesn't necessarily mean you can't be there for her as a friend to some degree. So, you could still support her in some ways and still help her through things. Though, again, that is up to you.

My main point, though, is you shouldn't feel too bad no matter what your decision may be. I think it is safe to say it sounds like you do not enter lightly into whatever decision you will make. You have already given much careful and caring consideration, wanting what is best for her while also caring about yourself as well. It would not be wrong of you to decide that this is too much for you. It is great if you can stick with her and help her through it all, but it doesn't make you a bad person if you cannot. Your happiness should be important to you as well. Good luck, friend. I wish both you and her the best. I know I've said that again and again, but I truly mean it.

[pcmaster]

Jester I think she realizes that she can live without Krusty just life with him is so much more full and bearable, enjoyable. It looks like at first she needed him to be happy and she needs him to lean on. However without him she have in her support system grandparents and now professionals help her too.
She should be alright. Even if Krusty dumps her while she out of hospital she can go in there again if there is need. Her grandparents will make sure of that.

It would not be good to stay friends if they break up. Cause it would take forever to move on. Shes in state where it will take her longer to move on. If she keeps contact with Krusty then she would miss him while hes gone and never have enough when he gives her some attention. Its obvious she is half and need Krusty to be whole. She needs a lot of work to do to become happy on her own and dont depend on others for happiness.

[tarapaine]

All I can say is that I cannot imagine a man leaving a girl he truly loves just because she's mentally ill. Sure, it might be tough, but that's what you do when you love someone. You don't leave because it's too hard!

But yeah, maybe it would be best to just leave her. But please don't tell us you "love" her. Please...

[lightstar]

All I can say is that I cannot imagine a man leaving a girl he truly loves just because she's mentally ill. Sure, it might be tough, but that's what you do when you love someone. You don't leave because it's too hard!

But yeah, maybe it would be best to just leave her. But please don't tell us you "love" her. Please...

it is waaayyy more complicated than your black and white way of looking at it. It is not about love. It is about whether OP can be happy LONG TERM with this girl or will she just drag him down as he is not emotionally or mentally equipped to be her full time carer IF she stays in this rut of depression that she is in (likely). Nobody is equipped to handle that alone!

There is a saying " I would rather be healthy alone than be sick with somebody else"..

only co-dependant people will stay with somebody long term that they KNOW is bad for them. Even loving somebody with all your heart-it takes strength to recognize red flags and a lot of courage to leave. Love is not enough to sustain a long term relationship

[pcmaster]

Agree with [MENTION=81895]lightstar[/MENTION].


Love is more like sugar in tea. It gives sweetness but not the main integrient of relationship.

[krustykrab]

Thanks so much for the responses, guys. Sorry I've been away for a while.

Thought I might give you guys a bit of an update in case someone might be interested.

It turns out, all parties agreed that being an inpatient wasn't the most suitable environment for her to get better so she got discharged a couple of days ago and came home with me. As much as I would've loved to fully rejoice, we found out the root of the problem which is the main contributor of her depression. It turns out, she's been diagnosed with DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder). I could explain so much about it from the amount I've read/learned about this disorder in the past couple of days, but all that information is better off discussed on a different forum.
In a nutshell, she has multiple personalities (a mental disorder caused by childhood trauma and other traumas in the past). I would definitely mention to you guys (doubt many people have ever experienced what I did), it is the most terrifying experience in my life. Imagine your partner being triggered by something and then suddenly turning into a complete different person(s) who doesn't think of you as a loved one but as someone else. As in, all her personalities know who I am because they are an aspect of her mind, but while only she herself truly loves me, the other personalities only think of me as an acquaintance since I'm only a lover to the "host" and not the "others".
According to her, she's always had symptoms for as long as we've dated, but those personalities only come out when she's by herself and she's always been able to fight them off without me noticing anything. It was only the last few days that I had the unfortunate opportunity of interacting with them. I was beyond terrified, and I am still surprised that I am still sticking by her side. However, after a huge conversation which involved her exposing all her trauma secrets she'd been hiding all this while (a lot of crying and very heavy stuff), she said she immediately felt a huge weight lifted from her and those personalities have become somewhat weaker. She is currently seeking more specialised therapy to treat her DID, and there are many success stories out there, but the average full recovery period could take years of therapy. So the best possible scenario is that the person learns to take control of all those personalities and they merely become background voices in a person's mind (or as some would say conscience and positive/negative thoughts).

As much as our relationship is somewhat stronger at the moment due to both of us making a bigger effort to make things work, what I experienced the last few days has put a huge dent in our relationship, which I don't know if I'll be able to fix. What I saw with my own eyes cannot be unseen and I don't know if I'll be able to forget it so easily. We both started going to church now after she had this sudden urge to become a christian again.

I was reading a very interesting quote from one of the members here and it goes something like "If you are truly happy in a relationship, you will feel like you are with the best person in the world. If you have ever wondered if there is someone else out there, then you are not happy in your relationship". I don't know why, but I think after all that has happened, I honestly do not know how to answer that question.

I think my deadline for my final decision should still stand.



F**k!

[pcmaster]

Thanks for update Krusty. Im interested in how are you doing.

So she told you. Well you have rights to know but then again its a heavy stuff. So what did you saw with your own eyes? What happened?
I think now that shes at home she have to increase activities and do something that will be good for her. Like gym or something - you could train her lol.

Well you are not married to her you can leave any time you want. Just interesting could you make all her personalities to love you.

[krustykrab]

Since you're interested in knowing more, I'll share more to give you an insight of what it's like being around someone with DID.

I think the proper medical term for these personalities is called "alters", so I'll use that instead. I will use the name Janet to refer to my girlfriend, as she is the host. Bear in mind that each alter also has their own distinct name and profile which they have given themselves. Here are a few that I've experienced so far:

She has an alter that is a 6 year old kid and behaves like one. This alter likes me a lot, but does not refer to me as a romantic lover (obviously). I'm guessing this alter is linked to her childhood abandonment trauma.

She has an alter that is a 40+ year old woman who refers to herself as protector and mother-like figure. Whenever this alter appears, the whole house becomes neat and tidy. I've only seen this alter twice, and she acknowledges that I am Janet's lover and always reminds me to protect Janet. I'm guessing this alter is possibly linked to what Janet wished her mother was to her.

She has an alter that is a 16 year old girl who absolutely despises men and can be somewhat hostile towards men. I'm guessing this alter is linked to her rape experience in the past (I'm still struggling to handle that at the moment). I've encountered this alter twice, and the second time I did, I made an effort to make her trust me and like me as a good man who only wants to protect her.

She has an alter that is a 27 year old girl who thinks she is the most rational one. This is the alter that scared me the most and I am still terrified today. Janet herself has done reading and pointed out to me that there are some alters that can/will mimic the behaviour of the host, and this alter did just that. Fortunately, Janet and I have figured out a "secret question" that only both of us know the answer to, and for some reasons none of her alters have any idea what the answer is.
On the drive home from hospital, I stopped by somewhere for lunch with "Janet" and we were just chatting like we would normally, then we even went to the gym and she was doing her usual workout and nothing felt out of the ordinary. When I reached home, Janet snapped "Wow, how did I get here? When did we get home?". It turns out it had been her alter all along, which triggered while we were talking about something personal in the car... The second time (on the same day), was when I had made dinner and we were just about to watch a movie, and I knew it was Janet in control the whole time. Then I disappeared for a few minutes and when I came back, "Janet" told me she wanted to show me this youtube video she was watching while she was at the gym. I immediately stopped and said "Hang on, but how do you remember going to the gym if it wasn't you", then she was silent/shocked for a bit and immediately switched back to Janet. That night, I made Janet voluntarily bring out this alter in front of me so I could interact with it, and "she" made a deal/promise to me that if I could prove that I truly love Janet, "she" will never ever come out again and will stop existing. However, this experience has shaken me so much that I have to constantly ask our "secret question" every couple of hours just to make sure it really is Janet. I don't know if I'll ever fully overcome this loss of trust.


It's an interesting experience investigating the possible origins of each alter, and it almost feels like it's a movie you see in hollywood, but this is 100% real and it's my own girlfriend that this is happening to. It's good that I have already seen some improvements, as in none of the alters have emerged involuntarily in the last 2 days, and Janet claims she's having more control of them. When we've found a DID specialised therapist, I'll be going with her because I have actual video footage of my interaction with 2 of the alters. I'm forcing myself to keep those videos for as long as I need to, then I will be deleting every single one of them. It's just not something you can get over so quickly..


And to answer your last question, yes I suppose it's possible, but not in the same way as Janet. The alters are basically different people with different attitudes, but have similar experiences if that makes sense. So obviously it's possible to make them like you, just like it would with different people in real life, but they are NOT Janet.
There you go, I've given you some insight of an experience most people will never encounter in their lives! Janet's grandfather has personally said to me "You are truly a very special man for still being there even after all you've experienced". It's a weird feeling.

[pcmaster]

At first when you started to explain alters I felt like Im losing my mind but then got used to it. You really are strong guy for handling it. It really got more advanced like a movie.
Its kind a hard to believe that she dont even remember what happened before she change personalities.
Can imagine the strain by being with person like this.

Thanks for explaining more Krusty. Stay strong and take plenty of time for yourself.