My girlfriend has become an inpatient for an indefinite time and I can't cope!

[krustykrab]

Just a quick background about my girlfriend. She was brought up in a very bad family until the age of 12, where she was moved to the custody of her grandparents who are wealthy and one of the loveliest people around who raised her until she turned 24.

Since the day we started dating, she suffered from severe depression and anxiety and was on medication for it. Over time, through a lot of love and support from me, she started to improve significantly to the point her grandparents personally told me that I am the best thing that ever happened in her life.
After 8 months of dating, she and I made the impulse decision of moving in together (we've been dating for 11 months now). She finally landed on a secure job, but quit after a month because she couldn't handle work stress. At this point, her depression became so bad to the point her grandparents admitted her to the hospital as an inpatient for proper mental treatment. However, as much as I really just want the best for her, I'm not coping so well with it because I don't know what to expect on my end. Not only do I feel like my love and support was inadequate, she could be an inpatient for weeks or maybe even months. Not only will I be going home to an empty apartment everyday, it feels as though we'll be out of each other's life for an indefinite time.
I'm a very career and financially driven person, and my parents do not approve of our relationship yet because she's got no career drive and her depression drags me down with her, making me weaker at times. To be downright honest, my love for her is basically gambling on the hope that she'll get better some day, and there's a potential we can both lead normal lives. But what if she doesn't get better? What if we settle down one day, only to find that I'm not capable enough to handle her depression?

I had a long, honest conversation with her grandfather who thinks very highly of me. As much as he's impressed with how supportive I've been with her, he totally understands if it's too much for me to handle. He is very concerned that he and his wife (both old and quite ill) won't be around much longer and my girlfriend will have no one else to rely on. I can't imagine what she'll be going through if she loses her grandparents and then me too.

I know you guys will probably mention that if I truly love her, I would stick by her side no matter what. But I'd like to hear it from the people who are currently dating someone with some form of mental illness, I'm sure they would agree that it can be extremely difficult and draining. At this moment in time, I'm unhappy in the relationship because it's eating me from the inside and I can't focus on my work and degree. However, if I stay on with this girl, knowing I may not be able to see a future with her, would this be considered love out of sympathy?

I'm struggling so hard to think straight at the moment and I really don't know what to do. Please help me out, guys!

[pcmaster]

Hey Krusty ! Welcome back to forum. So you are still with the same girlfriend. After most of us experienced posters told you to find a better one. Was thinking you are with another girl now. However I understand that its not so easy to leave a person because it would be smarter but there is also this human side where heart is involved. Besides it takes a lot of strength to leave someone you love or loved.

I personally would date girl with mental problems if I couldn't get any better. So you want to help this girl but in order to be able to help her you need get help for yourself. Otherwise this could continue for years and she could keep dragging you down with her.
You hope she will get better but you see this depression is also her, she is not just a happy human being but she is also depressed at the times, its part of her and you have to love these both sides of her otherwise you dont love her. When you want to change someone you are loving only yourself.

If you cant focus on work or degree maybe you are depressed too and you should see a doctor to prescribe you some pills. Know sounds harsh but might be true.

I knew a guy who dated mentally ill girl - she had many problems but she was his first GF and he wanted to make it work. It was possible for a while because he didnt put her first - he put a work and his hobby - mountain hiking first. He realized that she would need constant his attention just to feel okay, basically she needed so much that it would be unfair for him to be the only person to give her all that time. She also had to rely on her friends. However this relationships ended cause she dumped him(thats what he get for putting up with her crazy BS) but wanted to be friends few months afterwards.

What I would suggest you to do is put your work and studies first. If she dont have a future dont let her ruin your future. Okay? If you still want to help her then visit her in hospital, every day if you can, if not that whatever time you can give her after you took care of your own needs. In times likes this its tuf and friends to talk to and hang out just to forget the problems can help a lot. So don't alienate your friends.I hope you are still going to gym cause movement is a good way to feel good.

Heres a fragment of a book Im currently reading "Love Freedom Aloneliness".

You have to create the atmosphere of happiness
around you. If everybody is miserable, how
can you be happy? You will be affected. You are
not a stone, you are a very delicate being, very
sensitive. If everybody is miserable around you,
their misery will affect you. Misery is as infectious
as any disease. Blissfulness is also infectious
as any disease. If you help others to be
happy, in the end you help yourself to be happy.
A person who is deeply interested in his happiness
is always interested in others’ happiness
also—but not for them. Deep down he is interested
in himself, that’s why he helps.

[lightstar]

hey OP

I have two relatives who suffer from mental illness and depressive disorders. If it is this severe now, it is very likely it will always be a part of her life. It can be treated of course with medication and therapy but long term use of medications do not work. They will have to be monitored, changed (higher or lower doses) and switched (new treatment every now and then) to keep the depression at a managable level.

It is something that will probably always be a part of who she is and she will have times in her life where she is fine and other times where she isn't. She could also have to be hospitalized like this a number of times throughout her life.

While it is possible for her to lead a relatively normal life, it is only if she wants to get better and she fights through the illness.

It is difficult to live with without a lot of support from others. You will need a multi-disciplinary team of proffesionals to monitor her progress as well as good family and friends around to help throughout the bad times. It is a lot to take on. If you had kids their will be times when you may feel like a single parent if she gets this ill again.

Not to mention the financial cost of an illness this severe. Does she have medical aid? free health care?

Honestly nobody would blame you if you decided this is all too much for you. It is still a v new relationship and it could drag you down and you may find it hard to cope

[krustykrab]

Thanks a lot for the responses, guys.

And wow, pcmaster, I'm impressed you still remember me! I guess this is a pretty small and closely bonded community after all. I know I was on the verge of leaving her for good in the past, but things changed and the relationship suddenly became better, which explains my disappearance from this forum because I no longer needed advice for that period of time...Then...this happened when I least expected it.
I have been through some tough times myself (parents divorced, younger brother diagnosed with cancer etc..), but I managed to come out of all that stronger than before so I'm positive I do not have any form of depression. Even in my down times, all I really need is to go out and have a good conversation over a beer with some good mates, and I instantly feel better after that. I still go to the gym regularly and keep myself physically active.
The distractions to my work and studies was mainly caused by the fact that I care more about my girlfriend than she realises. It's an unavoidable distraction when you're in the middle of work/class, and your girlfriend sends you a text saying she feels down and suicidal.

In terms of financial costs, she has health insurance, and she is very fortunate to have financial security from her grandparents because they are quite wealthy. (sometimes I really do wish she would snap out of self-pity and realise how lucky she is compared to many others who are less fortunate and can't even afford any form of treatment)

I've never had to live with clinical depression so I could never understand what it could be like or fathom how depressed people could have all the love/money/support and still feel suicidal. A certain part of me gets a little angry whenever I think about her mentioning suicide because it seems so selfish that someone could be given so much love and support and just throw it all away, leaving loved ones traumatised (possibly something that will never be forgotten for life). There's just no justifiable reason to tell a loved one that you want to kill yourself and leave everyone behind. But as I'll mention again, I do not fully understand depression.

From what lighstar is saying, it seems to me that depression may never be fully cured and will probably stick with someone for life..so I guess if I can't cope with her now, I shouldn't even think of having a future with her?


I'd just like to thank you guys again for all the support here, it really means a lot. And thanks pcmaster for sharing that fragment of your book.

[lightstar]

some forms of depression can be cured. I was v depressed after I lost a relative to cancer-I went through all the grief and got stuck in a depressive state but somehow managed to pick myself up again. I made some lifestyle changes that were causing stress-like changing jobs and forced myself to spend more time with people that made me feel better. I eventually got through it and while I still miss my relative and love them deeply-I now realize that I cannot let that loss control my life.

However, your gf likely has a disorder like bipolar disorder for example as this is a part of who she is. It has been as a direct result of feelings which occurred many years ago in childhood and she has never been able to overcome that even though her life is so much better now.

Sometimes it can be due to a chemical imbalance in the brain or some people just never get over past pain or hurt.

The only reason I believe her illness may not be curable is because it is so severe to the point that she needs to be hospitalized. Normally that is an indication that it is not just depression but could be a more severe long term disorder

[smarta$$]

Speaking as a medical professional, I can tell you this will be a chronic issue. Her grandparents have told you as much. I would never recommend anyone knowingly sign up for that. If you break off with her, I would do it while she is hospitalized and under the care of professionals.

[TheEvilJester]

You know, you say you expect most of us will say that if you love her you should stick by her.... but, honestly, it is not that black and white. I think you've seen that with the responses you have already received. Here's how I feel... if you truly love her, you should at least want to try to help her get better..... and from the sound of things, you HAVE. Does that automatically mean you've done your part and you should leave and never look back? Not necessarily. ....But nor does it mean you should automatically stick with her.

Depression is and can be a HORRIBLE thing to have to battle, and it can be a life-long struggle that will never really fully end. It may be possible she will have good times and bad times, but always eventually be fighting this again. If that is too much for you to handle, that is understandable. Bottom line, if it gets to the point where her depression is dragging you down with her rather than you being able to help pull her up with you, then you need to worry as much about your own health.

Let me ask you this.... Does she SINCERELY put in an effort and a fight to get better? Believe me, I know from experience it isn't easy..... but is she at least showing up to her own fight, so to speak? Or, does she just give up and expect that this is just her lot in life? Because, how can you be expected to fight for her if she refuses to fight for herself? With everything I have suffered through in my life, I can understand a feeling of hopelessness, and I can understand sometimes hitting rock bottom and feeling unable to cope. What I CANNOT understand or accept is completely giving up. As hard as depression is to fight, you are NOT going to win if you don't even try, nor can anybody else forcibly drag you out of it. It is a personal battle. If she cannot even fight for her own well-being, then you cannot let her sabotage yours, whether she realizes she is doing that or not.

The most important thing you have to realize is that your love for her was not inadequate. She'd be suffering the same problems with any other guy in the world. The problems she are faces are internal to her. That isn't meant to blame her. Depression is not somebody's fault. Nobody would CHOOSE that. I'm just saying, beyond trying to be a helpful and supportive partner, there is nothing you can do to change that. If she has actually been directly blaming you, even in part, for her situation, then she is not a good person and does not deserve you.

You sound like a great person for wanting to stick with her. If she is truly trying to fight for her own self, then maybe you do stick with her IF you feel you can. If, however, she isn't even fighting for her own happiness, how could you ever expect to be happy if she is constantly dragging you down? I've actually been in a very similar situation. My ex suffered from a lot of similar problems. I tried so long and hard to be there for her. I may even still be to this day if it weren't for two things....

One, she refused to ever do anything to try to get the help she needed. Two, no matter how much I tried to be the loving supporting partner I AM, she always treated me like garbage and acted as though I "didn't understand" or acted as though I was somehow in the wrong. When she started acting as though I was part of the problem was when it started to be too much for me. I take it particularly offensive how she'd act like I "didn't understand" considering I've battled with my own issues plenty of times in the past. She was a selfish person. I don't know what the Hell I ever saw in her.

I don't know if your gal is the same. Only you can really know that. Maybe your gal is a great person just suffering from a terrible affliction. Even if that IS the case, though, that doesn't automatically mean you should just stick with her. When it comes right down to it, you do also need to worry about your own health and well-being. It is NOT selfish if being with her just gets to be too much for you. If it effects your own mental and/or physical health, then it becomes a situation where you cannot let somebody else drag you down to Hell with them.

It isn't black and white. Best of luck to you. I really hope you wind up deciding what is best, and I hope it works out. I also sincerely hope she accepts the help she needs and works back toward her own happiness. Whether that includes you or not, she needs to show up to her own fight if she's ever going to win it. You can't fight that battle for her. Nobody can. Others can be there to support her if she'll accept it, but that is a battle one must fight and win on their own.

Good luck to you.

[pcmaster]

[MENTION=77864]krustykrab[/MENTION] Hey man how can I forget you - your username is from Spongebob. This is huge forum but there are few regulars that sticks around for years. Besides I dont visit it often so dont have much topics to remember.

However just because people love you dont indicate good state of wellbeing. So your girlfriend might get love but she dont loves herself. Suicidal thoughts comes when person misses life.

This ideas came from one guy I lately watching. Hes pretty smart and cool. Maybe you enjoy these kind of videos too and cant find some useful bits for you
youtube.com/watch?v=xr3H7U0z4cQ

What I want to tell from myself is that you have to detach yourself from her to the point where your happiness dont depend on her. Right now you are taking too close to the heart her problems and being too sensitive is not recipe of happiness.

Hope your brother is okay now. Cool that you became stronger person.

[krustykrab]

Let me ask you this.... Does she SINCERELY put in an effort and a fight to get better? Believe me, I know from experience it isn't easy..... but is she at least showing up to her own fight, so to speak? Or, does she just give up and expect that this is just her lot in life? Because, how can you be expected to fight for her if she refuses to fight for herself? With everything I have suffered through in my life, I can understand a feeling of hopelessness, and I can understand sometimes hitting rock bottom and feeling unable to cope. What I CANNOT understand or accept is completely giving up. As hard as depression is to fight, you are NOT going to win if you don't even try, nor can anybody else forcibly drag you out of it. It is a personal battle. If she cannot even fight for her own well-being, then you cannot let her sabotage yours, whether she realizes she is doing that or not.

It's hard to measure someone's willpower without comparing them to someone else so that's the only way I can do it. One of my mate's girlfriend has bipolar disorder but refuses to seek help out of stubbornness and fear of side effects from meds.
My girlfriend to a certain extent does make an effort to seek help as the inpatient program was voluntary as well. However, she has very weak willpower and gives up very easily at times. Sometimes it's hard to tell the difference if a condition is severe or if that someone just doesn't have a strong fighting spirit.
It's hard to explain what I'm trying to get at, but bottomline is that on the surface, she's definitely making an effort, but I would never know how much of an effort she's putting in inside her head.
I don't think she's quite as bad as how your ex was treating you.

Just a week prior to her being an inpatient, I had set myself a date (new years eve) that I would make a final decision whether or not I would stay or leave for good.

Now that she's been admitted as an inpatient for a 3-4 weeks, I'm basically coming home to an empty apartment everyday and we've been missing each other a lot so I don't know if it's fair for me to carry on with my plan, seeing as that would literally be close to that date by the time she comes home.

What do you guys think? Would that still be fair?

[melancholia]

Even if you stick it out until she has completed the inpatient program, she will still have the rest of her life to battle this mental illness. If you are going to take these next few weeks to seriously mull this situation over, I highly suggest you read up on mental illness and severe depression disorders. Nobody on this forum knows enough about mental illness to help you properly, and I can tell by your posts that you don't either. You can only really help yourself at this point, there's nothing you can do for your girlfriend while she's in treatment, except be there to support her when you can. In the mean time, your own mental, emotional, and physical health should be of utmost importance, and you need to figure out a way to properly balance your relationship with the rest of your life. It is not easy to deal with someone who suffers from mental illness, but can you imagine what she must be feeling like? I mean really imagine what it must be like for her. Having to be in and out of different treatment programs, only to be faced with the same horrific depression time and time again. I imagine she is exhausted, sad, lonely, frustrated, disappointed, and stressed out. She must feel awful having you in her life, who doesn't have a mental illness, who also doesn't really know much about depression or mental illness, but wants to be there for her... she must be so stressed out about everything and she is stuck in an inpatient ward by herself.... surely that is a very lonely and hollowing experience for anyone.

If you read up on depression, suicide, and mental illness, you will never again say that people who suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts are selfish or weak. The stigma of mental illness is still prevalent among many first world countries, and it is so sad to see that nobody seems to educate themselves properly. Every single person is affected by mental illness, either directly or indirectly; and suicide is one of the leading causes of death among men and women between the ages of 15-25. I will site the Canadian Mental Health Association website, where you can read up on mental illness. It might help you learn a bit more about what your girlfriend, and millions of other people, are going through. It still might not save your relationship, but having more understanding for her illness will show how much you care about her.

[url=http://www.cmha.ca/media/fast-facts-about-mental-illness/#.Vk3_-tKrRQI]Page not found - Canadian Mental Health AssociationCanadian Mental Health Association[/url]
[url=http://www.cmha.ca/mental-health/understanding-mental-illness/]Understanding Mental Illness - Canadian Mental Health AssociationCanadian Mental Health Association[/url]

[pcmaster]

In my country if person been to mental hospital stationary and then after half a year are back again worse than before then that person automatically applies for disability. Think you should talk with her doctors about if she really have a chance to completely get rid of depression. What they think how bi are the chances. Then go from there to make a decision how long you want to stay with her. It seems like you haven't yet given up on her completely.

[melancholia]

In my country if person been to mental hospital stationary and then after half a year are back again worse than before then that person automatically applies for disability. Think you should talk with her doctors about if she really have a chance to completely get rid of depression.

Right here is a perfect example of people who do not understand mental illness. Being sad is not the same as depression. Depression is a mental illness that never goes away. People don't "get over it", people can't be "cured" from it. Depression and other severe mental illnesses can be managed well, and people who suffer from it can lead normal lives, but it takes dedication and hard work to mange a mental illness.

OP, I really, highly suggest you reach out to professionals for help with this one. Nobody on this forum is equipped with proper information on how to help you - myself included, although I do know a lot about mental illness from courses/research, I am still not a professional. People on this forum will give you different pieces of "advice" based on their own skewed visions of what mental illness is. I do not want to see you learn misinformation and make decisions without being properly informed.

[TheEvilJester]

If you read up on depression, suicide, and mental illness, you will never again say that people who suffer from depression or suicidal thoughts are selfish or weak.

I want to put out that I could not agree with this more. Often times, when news breaks of some famous figure (celebrity, political figure, etc.) committing suicide, so many people go on and one about how "weak" or "selfish" a decision it is. That kind of talk comes only from a person who DOES NOT understand what it is like to feel THAT low. I've been there myself. God gave me a gift (though, sometimes it feels like a curse) of a stubborn refusal to give up. I would NEVER commit suicide..... but I can't lie. There have been times when I wish I didn't have that strength in me. There have been times when I wish I could find the supposed "weakness" to give up.

Nobody ASKS to be depressed. It is an illness, almost just like a virus is an illness. So, I refuse to belittle a person's struggles, or belittle them for succumbing to them, by using insulting and ignorant comments like calling them weak or selfish. For example, somebody committing suicide, often times people say things like "That is so selfish. How could they not think of the people around them who love them and would be hurt by this?"

Okay, A) That is an extremely selfish attitude to have. So, this person is suffering so badly that they are actually hitting enough of a rock bottom to want to end their suffering.... and they should continue to suffer because YOU want them to? B) Most often somebody who has reached that low HAS thought of the people who care about them..... but they are hurting so badly that it isn't enough to stop them.

Don't get me wrong. I am ABSOLUTELY not condoning suicide or saying it is a viable solution. Nobody should ever resort to that. It truly is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I am just saying, nobody should be judged for one momentary mistake like that, even if it is one that unfortunately takes away their chance to make up for it. If anything, it should almost be treated similarly to if they'd died too early via some other means.


Back to Krusty,

You are correct that you cannot really know the level of her commitment to her own fight. You aren't her and aren't a mind-reader. Believe me, I get that you can't really know. All I meant to imply is that you can kind of get an impression as to whether or not she is actually making any legit effort to do something for herself. As you mentioned, as best you can tell, you think she IS. So, good for her. I hope she finds her answer.

Again, that doesn't automatically mean your answer is to stick with her. It is still understandable if that could be too much for you to handle. You have to worry about your own mental, emotional, and even physical health as well. Good luck to you. I hope you are able to decide what is best. No matter what, I hope it works out well for you, and for her as well.

[lightstar]

OP its not really about will power or strength, weakness or selfishness. It is an illness that can drag a person down so low that they do not know how to fight it without help.

I have witnessed a relative in a manic state and she really had no control over what she was doing or saying. One minute she was skipping around dancing and acting very childish, the next she was paranoid and angry thinking everyone is against her and telling us all to get out. Then she hit a depressive low and was so exhausted she could hardly talk or walk. It is like they are on drugs without ever taking anything. Its due to a chemical imbalance in the brain and without medication cannot be managed or controlled.

Its v complicated coz there are all different types of depression which affect everyone differently. Its hard to understand fully when we are not living with it or feeling what they are feeling.

But they are still human with gifts to offer the world. My relative is very kind and caring. She works with the elderly and does a great job. She is v intelligent and does live a relatively normal life with medication, regular check ups and good support from family and friends. However she has never really been able to have a stable relationship. nor does she want one anymore. Her illness makes her have v strong oppinions on men and she believes they are a waste of time because she had a hard time with her ex husband. She thinks all men are the same and too much hard work

That is one of the ways the illness still shows itself even though she is doing very well. But the illness will always interfere and control certain aspects of her life

[pcmaster]

[MENTION=81312]melancholia[/MENTION] I do understand mental illnesses and have seen people living with them for years. Dont believe Krusty GF can be perfectly fine in the future. Just wanted him to make sure by himself.