Restoring the trust

[Arkmarlerson]

I am a 44 year old female. I have been married and divorced three times. I have raised 5 step children and two of my own children. I have a career that requires all from me.

I have been divorced for 3 years. Almost two years ago I met a wonderful man. We have been seeing each other exclusively for that time. He has three sons 19-16 that live with him and one of my sons (20) lives with me. In the beginning we both agreed that blending families did not work and that neither one of us wanted to do that. With my experience with step children I was not willing to do that again. I was at the beginning of having my sons raised.

I the recent past I have had career issues and opportunities that would require me leaving the state. I have had some financial issues that have stressed me a great deal. My mother passed away 3 years ago and I can't seem to let the pain of that go.

Here is my dilemia.... We started talking about living together. With all the other stresses I ran from the man I truely love. I set up a date with another man in another city in order to just leave everything behind. This was not a romantic thing for me but more of a ... run before you do it again thing. This is very out of character for me but now I have broken his trust, rightfully so...

We are still seeing each other and love one another deeply but how do I rebuild his trust. I want to be with this man and he feels the same way.

[LINEBACKER _2]

Well, not to be rude, but if you have a career that requires everything from you, and you've been married and divored three times, why bother pursuing another relationship?

I'm guessing you've been divored because of infidelity or because of your career... I'd hate to say infidelity, but it's obvious not above you since you've already betrayed his trust.

Hey, hate to say it but perhaps you should just back off and explain to the guy that you might not have the time for him until things settle down.

But, since it's been awhile since your original post, what has happend since?

LINEBACKER 2

[Illusional]

rebuild his trust that you won't run away again? well this is an uphill battle because you've been in some relationships before that didn't end the way you wish it would. if i were in his shoes, first i would question why did you run away to begin with. you should discuss what you were scared about and how you have changed your feelings toward him. you feel stronger about your relationship and you feel that you need him in your life. trust is a hard thing to gain back but with time, anything is possible. raverboy

[jane]

This is my honest opinion. After something like this, it is obvious to me that you are not ready for a new relationship but you can not continue your old realtionship. I think you need to understand why you have had multiple husbands. Your career must mean alot to you and as a ambious woman myself, I understand that. I think that it is time that you sat down and really thought about what you really want. I understand you love this man and have lost his trust but are you trying to salvage a realtionship with him out of guilt? or because you can't live without him? I don't believe that you are to old to give up on finding the man that you were truly meant to be with, but timing is everything. Maybe right now you just need you and subcously you are trying to do just that.
Once trust is broken with someone you love. it is harder to get it back then it was to earn it. Time is hte only thing that heals trust. Even then it will never been completely back to the way it was.

[leight69]

I will not pretend to try to analyse what you are doing or how they might help, but I thought I might share some of my personal observations that may help you out...

I think you need to understand why you have had multiple husbands

I think Jane, it the nail on the head with that quote. I know many people (primarily women, but not always) I know that are continually in relationships...they are incapable of NOT being in a relationship. Often times these relationships will last anywhere from a few months to a year or so. Then something goes wrong, and the person moves on....only to find themselves in another relationship within a few weeks.

These relationships also tend to follow patterns a few of which are...

a) the rise and fall of the relationship (the breakup reasons are always the same...)
b) a desire to have a long term relationship
c) emotional "use" (some would call it abuse) of the other partner...where the partner in question uses the other as an emotional crutch.
d) a lack of recognition in these patters and little desire to discover them...


I've realised that humans are creatures of habit, in any situation we do what is most comfortable for us, and in this no matter what situation we are in or with whom we will react that same way again and again and again.

If one recognizes their own patter and their own behaviour then one may be subject to trying to change that. Taking care of what we are in control of is important.

The only mistakes in life, are the unlearned lessons.

[LINEBACKER _2]

Well, I'd be interested in hearing what has happend to Arkmarlerson since then.

Fill us in please!

LINEBACKER 2