Waiting for a proposal.....

[Pinkpanther]

Hey all,

I'm new here so hello! And thank you in advance for reading my question/any advice...

I'm 29, and my boyfriend is 37. We have been together 5 years. From early on, we discussed marriage, children etc, and have always been quite open that we would like to have a family. I have said to him I would like to marry before we have children, as I'm a little traditional (plus from a religious family).

We are in a good financial position, both with good jobs and although we are renting we have a plan to buy within the next year or so (partly we are renting as we are enjoying living in the city but want to move out to buy in the countryside, so we have discussed moving out of town before we start a family).

However, he hasn't asked me to marry him yet. I'm slightly confused, as we have discussed marriage and as far as he has told me, he would like to marry. He's keen to have children, and has said he wants to start a family in a couple of years. He knows I would like to marry first, so not sure why he's not moving on a proposal.

I'm also confused as sometimes he makes negative comments about weddings (eg complaining about the cost/fuss etc), so maybe he is a bit anti-marriage, but he hasn't been honest enough to say that outright to me. When we talk about our relationship he seems open to marriage.

For a while, I was perfectly happy daydreaming and just waiting. However, another year has gone by and nothing, and it's starting to get to me. I'm starting to get upset about it and thinking irrationally (eg getting upset when another friend gets engaged, often after a shorter relationship etc).

He just told me he's buying a completely unnecessary/luxury item for 5k, so he certainly has money spare. I know it's his money, but I can't help feeling a bit peeved about it,which I know isn't really fair.

I also feel like it's taken so long, we are now past the point where a proposal would be super exciting/romantic, it would just be a relief. And I feel slightly disappointed about that.

I also know this is going to have a negative impact on my relationship if I start getting grumpy with him...

So any advice of how to keep calm whilst waiting, or anyone else in a similar position? I don't really have any friends to talk to about this, they are all engaged or married already and don't feel comfortable ranting to them....

Thanks for reading my post xx

[Relationship T.]

Be honest with him. You are only relaying the facts. As long as you relay the information in a black and white manner, he will take it better. Communication is probably the longest chapter (so far) in my book in the works. If I could boil it down for you:

1. Don't be afraid of the truth. Take whatever response comes your way.
2. You are relaying the truth, not to coerce him. It is important for him to know what is in your head.
3. Leave emotions out of the conversation entirely.
4. Ask lots of questions if his answers take you don't fall along the lines of what you want to hear. You are just trying to figure out his point of view.
5. Listen.
6. Listen.
7. Listen.

The process of marriage can be very simple if you allow it to be. Find out what he thinks/feels he would be comfortable with to limit cost and fuss.

Good Luck,
Relationship Teacher

[TheEvilJester]

Relationship T offered some great advice there. In fact, I think numbers 5. and 6. were particularly poignant. [URL=https://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=7]#7[/URL] was crazy, though. ....Well, I mean, I think anyway. I wasn't really listening.

LOL! Sorry. Simply couldn't help myself.

But, being serious for a moment.... I actually do think that was great advice from Relationship T. It basically mirrors the advice I was going to offer.

You've been together for five years. You are definitely not wrong to be getting impatient. However, you are right to be reluctant to allow yourself to get too upset over it. If it gets to the point where you basically feel like you are giving him an ultimatum (we get married or I'm leaving) then it almost isn't worth it at that point. If he still refuses, the relationship is over anyway. If he finally proposes, then what is to be excited about? You feel like you basically had to force him into it.

So, like Relationship, my advice would be to talk about it before you get to that point. I know you say you and he have talked about marriage a little bit here and there. Unless I misunderstand, though, I get the impression it was more just a talk in passing like any long term couple tends to do at some point. It doesn't sound like you ever sat him down to ask seriously if he sees that happening, and how he sees that time frame playing out.

At first, you didn't necessarily HAVE TO have that conversation. You had that casual conversation that told you both you seemed to be headed in the same direction. At that point, you did the right thing to just wait and hope he'd pull the trigger. Now that he hasn't, you have a right to be getting a little impatient. So, before you start to lose your patience completely, just start talking to him about it.

As Relationship T said, keep emotions out of it. Make it clear to him that you don't mean to pressure him, but you just want to understand when he sees these things happening and whether that matches with your personal thoughts. If he definitely wants to marry you, but doesn't see that happening for 5 years, 10 years, etc., maybe that just isn't enough for you. That would be understandable. But, if maybe he says he sees himself being ready to move forward in a year or two, maybe that works for you a little better.

In the end, you can't wait around forever just hoping that he will be ready to move his life forward. I hope it never has to come to that, but you can't let somebody string you along forever if it starts to seem like they never have intention of moving forward. In the end, marriage can be wonderful and beautiful, but it really IS just a piece of paper that should just be making official what two people already know in their heart and soul. I DO NOT mean that to belittle marriage, I simply mean that if two people truly love each other, making it official isn't really THAT important in the grand scheme of things. Which isn't to say it isn't important or shouldn't be important to you. My point being, as long as you know his desires definitely do coincide with yours, and as long as you know his timeline is not too far off for your liking, maybe give him time and just enjoy the relationship. Though, I certainly cannot blame you if you get to the point where you have felt you just waited too long and need to move on.

Good luck to you.

[drleo]

every thing has a reason why, you know your reasons why you want to get married to him, he has his reasons why he is not upgrading you to marriage, so it will be simple if you all put them on the table openly and talk about them one by one until you get a main solution to them, marriage or no marriage , then you will know your position in his life than expecting more from him

[melancholia]

Do you care more about the proposal and a wedding, or do you care more about an actual marriage? You've made several comments about a wedding and proposal, but not very many comments about your actual relationship. If marriage is something that is important to you, you need to discuss it with your partner in concise terms. Maybe he is complacent with your relationship the way it is and doesn't feel the same pressure to get married as you do. I understand your reasoning for your desire to get married before having kids, but your partner can't know this without you talking to him about it.

[smackie9]

Maybe he wants it to be a surprise.....maybe he is going to do it at Christmas or New Years? Wait it out and see. If nothing happens, then have that conversation with him.

[Pinkpanther]

Hi All,

Thank you for the replies. I think you are all right and I need to speak with him. I think EvilJester was right, we have talked 'here and there' like most couples about the future, but haven't sat down and had a straightforward conversation/talked details.

We have spoken enough that I thought we were on the same page but I guess maybe I need to be more honest or we need to just clarify things with each other. I was hoping I wouldn't gave to have that convo as if we then do get engaged it does slightly take the romance out of it (and don't want to make him feel pressurised) but I don't think it's good for our relationship for me to be thinking about it or stressing out.

I'm thinking maybe in the new year I can sit down and talk to him about what our plans are for the year ahead and tell him that I would like to get engaged in the year. Hopefully won't put too much pressure as it gives a whole year.

Melancholia, I can understand why you might have read that I am more interested in the proposal/wedding than marriage. That's not the case, really I just want to move on to having a family and settling down and I just don't feel ready to move on to that next step until we get married, so I kinda feel like a lack of proposal is holding me back, if that makes sense. That's why an engagement is so important to me right now, as I feel it would move us on to the next step in our lives which I am ready for. I also feel a slight time pressure as I would like to marry before children and don't want to delay having children for too long (30 next year and we have talked about having a biggish family, so you know...)

Just talking through it is actually pretty helpful too so thanks for reading x

[melancholia]

I think you will find much more solace once you speak to your partner about this. You don't know what his thoughts are about marriage yet, at least not in the specific context you need. Clearly you two have a good thing going, and if you've been together for five years, generally marriage is the next step. I think once you disclose your wants/needs/fears, that it will open the doors for both of you to put everything on the table and go from there.

Best of luck to you! I wish you a happy holiday with your family, and an exciting, healthy New Year!

[benfletcher82]

You should tell him in my opinion. If you feel that you're ready, then you should tell him that you want to move the relationship forward because you feel it's time. It's just a good idea to know what you're staying for in the long run if it turns out his plans have changed.

[fearoflove]

Too many women stay in a relationship hoping to change their partner's mind about marriage. It is a difficult task if he doesn't like the idea of marriage or marrying you. There are men out there who wants to get married and you need to feel them out early on.

[TheEvilJester]

I think you are on the right track now. I have a feeling you were kind of leaning that way yourself anyway. Sometimes it can help to hear others reinforce your own thoughts when you aren't sure. Believe me, I think most people can understand how you feel. On the one hand, you almost feel a little silly being worried. You've been together five years, happily and without incident. Isn't that what really matters? Why should a piece of paper matter that only makes official what you two already know in your heart?

The thing is, to most people that IS important. It's not even a matter of doubting your partner and whether they would truly want to be with you for the rest of your lives. It's just that it is one of those important steps in a successful relationship. In his mind, maybe he's in no rush because he knows that is the inevitable next step in your relationship, so he figures what does it matter the specifics of WHEN it happens? And that is just speculation on part/one possible thought. I'm not saying that IS his mindset, just saying it could be one possible explanation.

But, that IS important to you, and understandably so. I think your year time frame seems pretty fair. He shouldn't ask just because you brought it up, he should ask because he wants to and is ready. So, a year time frame gives him a better idea of the timing you have in mind without the pressure of him thinking he needs to decide right away. Hopefully it goes well. If you've been together this long, there isn't any reason it shouldn't, so I hope this time next year (or even hopefully before) you are coming back here to share some good news with us. :-D Good luck!