Does my husband love me?

[blue102]

I've been married to my husband for 12 years and we have 2 wonderful kids. Our marriage seems okay for the most part.

I suffer from depression and have recently developed a skin disorder which causes me a lot of embarrassment. I have gained a lot of weight from being on the depression medication. I am no longer the pretty, thin young woman he married, and my self-esteem is suffering a lot.

I just wonder if he loves me. He never calls me from work (well, never has, actually) unless I am having a bad day and text him first. He has never ever been romantic. But lately he's been much less so. He seems to enjoy hanging out with the kids, watching cartoons with them, rather than with me.

This morning he told me of a dream he had.... where he was rescuing some co-worker of his (an attractive single woman) from enslavement by his boss. I thought that was super weird.

He is not the type to have an affair (actually I have considered affairs before, due to his lack of attention). But I can't see him doing it.

I hope to lose the weight and fix the skin problem this year so that I'll be more attractive to him, but I don't know what is going on in his head.

He tells me that I look fine, and he does want to have sex on a regular basis.

What do you think?

[TheEvilJester]

So, he's not very romantic..... but he never really was before? He doesn't ever call you from work..... but yet he never really did all that much before? He wants to have sex with you on a fairly regular basis.... I'm not sure I am understanding what changed to make you think maybe he doesn't love you? It sounds to me like more so the only thing that has changed was your appearance. It also sounds like, for the most part, those changes were somewhat out of your control. It was due to your anxiety/depression and due to the medication.

Don't get me wrong. That doesn't mean it wouldn't be good for you to try to work to correct that. However, you should do it as much for yourself and for your health as for him. Lose weight because you want to lose weight, not because you are worried he will love you less if you don't. If he would love you less because of that, maybe he doesn't deserve you in the first place.

You've been married for a long time, and have two children. That is a pretty good sign that he probably loves you. Again, it seems like you are saying nothing has really changed on his end, so don't worry yourself about it too much. If it bothers you enough, though, just talk to him about it. Unless he actually does give you valid reasons to think he may be drifting away, I wouldn't recommend you actually ask in any way so as to imply he is. In this case, I think maybe just bring it up in a more casual way sort of like "I've just been feeling a little self-conscious lately due to <this and that>, so I get I am probably just worried over nothing..."

Good luck to you either way, though. Also, good luck in battling your anxiety/depression issues. Believe me, I know how much that can suck. It is a life-long struggle, but it is definitely a fight worth fighting, because it is so much better than the alternative of just giving up to it. I wish you all the strength in getting through your own personal battles.

[blue102]

Thanks so much for the kind reply. I think you're right.... he is a great guy.

[TheEvilJester]

Exactly. I am sure you are just worried as result of your own self-doubt and not really because of anything he may be thinking. Believe me, I understand that kind of thing for sure. I'm my own worst enemy/harshest critic. At least from the details you've shared with us, this sounds more like you projecting your own self-conscious feelings onto him. In other words, you are maybe not feeling your best, so you assume that the ways you are feeling about yourself are the same ways other people are feeling about you. Often times, that is not the case.

I mean, I'm not a mind-reader, so it isn't like I can tell you for sure what your husband is or is not thinking. I'm just saying, often times the thoughts you imagine in somebody else's head are a million times worse than the actual thoughts in their head. Is it possible your concerns are true? Sure, but if he is a great guy as you say he is, it is probably more likely that you are just worrying where you needn't worry. :-) Good luck to you.

[Wakeup]

I've been married to my husband for 12 years and we have 2 wonderful kids. Our marriage seems okay for the most part.

I suffer from depression and have recently developed a skin disorder which causes me a lot of embarrassment. I have gained a lot of weight from being on the depression medication. I am no longer the pretty, thin young woman he married, and my self-esteem is suffering a lot.

I just wonder if he loves me. He never calls me from work (well, never has, actually) unless I am having a bad day and text him first. He has never ever been romantic. But lately he's been much less so. He seems to enjoy hanging out with the kids, watching cartoons with them, rather than with me.

This morning he told me of a dream he had.... where he was rescuing some co-worker of his (an attractive single woman) from enslavement by his boss. I thought that was super weird.

He is not the type to have an affair (actually I have considered affairs before, due to his lack of attention). But I can't see him doing it.

I hope to lose the weight and fix the skin problem this year so that I'll be more attractive to him, but I don't know what is going on in his head.

He tells me that I look fine, and he does want to have sex on a regular basis.

What do you think?

I think you should work on your self esteem and depression with a therapist, get back to your preferred "bedroom weight" by joining Weight Watchers or Herbal Magic or something similar so that you have the support you need to accomplish your goals and to get to a dermatologist as soon as possible (if you're not already seeing one).

Start to get back an emotional connection with your husband by proposing to him that you two have an (without the children) in house date night once a week starting with having a nice dinner together then maybe playing board game together or cards or something where there is no T.V. so that you are focused on interacting with one another AND that you get a sitter and have an outside the home date doing something fun together at least once a month.

You've both just gotten complacent in your relationship. That doesn't mean he doesn't love you, it just means that the two of you have forgotten how to nurture your relationship in order to keep it fun and exciting.

[TheEvilJester]

That is something that happens too often in relationships when a couple has children. It can be difficult not to lose yourself in being Mom and Dad and forget that you also need to take time to be a couple. Good advice from Wakeup. Don't lose sight of what got you both to this point. You both need/deserve solo time and also time to just be a couple.

Good luck to you both.