Getting your ex back after no contact

[Sleepwalker89]

So, I'm in a bit of a different situation than usual. Background first, my ex and I broke up shortly after Thanksgiving. She broke up with me saying that she didn't see a future for us. We had a bump in the relationship back in October where I almost broke up with her, but we worked through it and everything was going wonderfully. We were going on dates every week, cooking together, the sex was out of this world and we were actually really freakin' happy. The only thing I can think of that possibly set this in motion was I had to cancel our dinner date for her birthday (it was beyond my control, I had to go to a wake at the last minute). We tried to reschedule it, but we couldn't get our schedules cleared in time before she went on vacation with her family with the holiday coming up. So we said ok, we'll just do this when you get back and celebrate twice as hard. Aaand then she broke up with me while she was away. Now, I know she's seeing someone else and it happens to be a family friend they were on vacation with (Who may I add was emotionally abusing her about 2 weeks before we broke up. Her words, not mine!) If I had to bank on it, I would say she's in a rebound and may have been set up by her family (her mother seemed to like me but wasn't too keen on the fact that I'm not religious). He's not even in the same state. We're in New York and he's up in Vermont.

So post break-up! It was sudden and the holiday season was upon us, which made for a nice distraction. I didn't seem to care at first. I went on with myself like the relationship never happened and I never met her. And then two weeks ago or so rolled around and I realized, crap, I miss her a shit ton. Funny enough, she broke no contact the next day and told me she hoped we could still be friends and that she missed me. Ignored it. The following week, I messaged her and firmly told her I knew she left me to see someone else (my assumption at least) and that I still cared about her, but needed some time to resolve my feelings for her as I was sad, angry, confused etc. She responded assuring me she didn't leave me for the other guy and that things clicked for them after the fact (don't know if that's true, but I don't really care at this point). She told me she still loved me (I know she can be saying this loosely, but I'm just throwing it out there) and thinks about me often (which I can believe, considering she often checks my Facebook and Instagram) and would give me my space. I also ignored that. Then yesterday happened. I couldn't take it anymore, I was missing her too much and it hurt too much to handle. So I messaged her and made a playful joke. Next thing I know, we're talking for an hour. She asked me if I really was upset by what had happened. Ignored it. Plot twist! She asks me to get coffee with her on my birthday. I of course said yes (this won't be happening for another week), we talked for a bit more and that was that. She seemed really excited and was genuinely happy to hear from me. It was kind of uplifting, which was a nice turn around from feeling like crap the day before.

So now the fun part. Can I win her back? From my past experience, I would normally say no but I haven't been in a situation exactly like this before. I'm usually the one to crack and break no contact first, not the other way around! Is there anything that I can do? I haven't been around the block too many times, but this one doesn't seem hopeless compared to the past where I was 120% shut out. I still have her birthday gift which I would love to give to her (it's a Hobbit journal, she loves LOTR and writing). Only problem is, it has a love letter written in the first page that I wrote back in November covering my feelings for her and how we're gonna kick 2016's ass together (I know, I'm so creative). I could see this being a double edged sword. On one hand, the letter could rekindle her feelings for me but on the other it could do the opposite. If anyone has any advice for me that's been in a similar situation, it would be very appreciated!

Thanks for reading!

[TheEvilJester]

My normal stance is that your ex is your ex for a reason, and it is almost never worthwhile trying to rekindle an old relationship..... but the thing is this one is still freshly ended. That sometimes can be different. Sometimes that first initial break-up doesn't necessarily last. Sometimes, it can be that brief time apart that shows the two people involved that they really do want to be together, and that the issues that broke them up can be fixed.

So, really, that is the main question you have to answer. The issues that caused the two of you to break up in the first place.... are they things that can be fixed, or are they things that likely will not change? If the issues that caused you to break up in the first place are very unlikely to change, then why exactly would you expect it to go any better this time around? On the other hand, if the time apart has made you both realize that they weren't such big things, and/or they are things that you can work on together and fix, then it could be worth giving it another try.

I will say this, though.... Just because she has been friendly, it doesn't automatically mean that is because she wants to get back together. It MIGHT, but it also might not. So, if you do decide to try again, just keep in mind that she may not feel the same way about giving it another shot. It could be possible she doesn't want to be together, but just doesn't want to lose you as a friend as well.

As far as the journal, I actually have to say I'm a little stumped on that one myself. Do you give it to her or do you not bother? If you give it to her, do you include the page with the love letter or just discretely remove that so she never knows it was there? I'm not entirely sure how I feel on that one, so hopefully others can weigh in with their thoughts on that one.

I will say that my gut instinct would be that you do give her the journal and just kind of say something to the effect of "I had gotten you this birthday gift, but never got a chance to give it to you and I figured you might still like it." However, my gut instinct would be to say you remove the page with your love note in such a way that she wouldn't be able to even notice there was a page missing.

I think if you two are going to get back together, that is going to happen anyway. You don't need a love note that you wrote right before you two broke up to do that. On the other hand, if you two are not getting back together, it could just feel weird/awkward. So, maybe it is just me, but my personal gut instinct would be to definitely not give her the love note.

Either way, though, good luck with whatever you decide. I hope it goes well for you either way.

[fearoflove]

You still like her so of course try to win her back. She is mad at you about some issues including the whole birthday thing. So, try to be more considerate. Give her the birthday gift and tell her that you wanted to give to her but didn't get a chance. I think if she still has some feelings for you, this would help. Ask if you can talk to her about your relationship with her. Say that you still love her and want to make it work.

[Sleepwalker89]

Well this has been rather unexpected. We spoke a night or two ago..for several hours. Everything came out from both of us. Every feeling, every question, every concern and tiny piece of honesty. We talked about getting back together and the possibility is there. Just need to give it some time. Would not have expected things to go like this last week and I'm absolutely thrilled lol.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, that is great. Don't let your guard down too much, as she could still decide against it.... but this is definitely a good start. Again, if the issues that caused you to break up could be fixed, then why not give it another shot? It certainly sounds like you two had a good talk about all that, so perhaps you are on the road to recovery. Good luck to you! I hope it goes well.