How can we move forward?

[Confused-Tom]

Hi everyone,

I'm at a loss as to what to do in my relationship with my girlfriend and could really do with some advice.

I've been with her for around 18 months and we would really like to live together. The issue basically comes down to finances on her side. She lives in a small flat with her daughter and gets a very good price on the rent as she has been a long standing tenant. She is worried that if she were to move out and things not go well with us then she will struggle to afford a place for her and her daughter. Her flat is very small and there really isn't enough space for me to move in with her so we would need to find a larger place together. I have asked her if she is really committed to the relationship and I believe she is but is fearful of what she would do if we were to break up.

I just don't know what to do and we are on the brink of a break up over this.

Tom

[topazlight]

You can't force someone to move and she sounds unsure about it off what you have so far posted. Try to find a place suitable for the three of you and then take her to see it and if she still hesitates maybe you move some place yourself because she just isn't ready for the move or the total commitment yet.

[TheEvilJester]

It is understandable why she is worried. It isn't even necessarily a slight on you, so don't worry yourself that it is. It doesn't necessarily mean she's not serious about you, it just means she's reasonable and cares for herself and her daughter. Sometimes life happens. Right now, she may think you two are great and perfect for each other.... but you never know what will happen down the road.

So, I guess for now she's uncertain about being comfortable enough with the situation to take the risk of losing her affordable situation. With that, it comes down to whether you are okay with continuing as is or not. You've been together about a hear and a half now, so it would be understandable if that is long enough that you want to take the next step. All the same, that's not necessarily SO long that it is unreasonable if she is not.

However, if it is too long for you, then it is too long for you. Either way, you should not force her, or make her feel forced, to move if she does not want to do so. It would be a shame for that to end the relationship, but if one of you were to force the other to accept something with which they were not comfortable, that would have a high likelihood of just not ending well.

If you two can find a middle ground that keeps you both happy, then great. For example, maybe in time (an amount of time you deem acceptable) she'll feel better about leaving her current place. Then, a little patience would get you exactly what you wanted. On the other hand, maybe she'll never feel comfortable risking her affordable place, and then you'd not be wrong if that were not enough for you.

Good luck to you either way. I hope it works out for you.