What do you think??

[beautyorbeast]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about three years. Two years into our relationship I was going through some difficult life events (my parent died at a young age of a terminal illness) and so we broke up for a few months. During that time period he started dating someone else. A couple months into their relationship he and I reconnected and started dating. He broke up with her but she really is still in love with him and would like to still be with him. She is aware of me and our relationship status; although she and I have never met (although I have suggested that we meet he's not a big fan of the idea of her and I hanging out together and says she isn't either). He and I currently live together. They still communicate on a regular schedule (pretty much daily), they see each other to hang out once or twice a month, and they are friends on facebook (he and I are not, when I brought this up he asked me how I would feel if I were her). I have communicated with him that these things bother me, make me feel disrespected, and I find them hurtful but to no eval they continue. Am I being unreasonable? Thoughts, advice, and/or suggestions? Thank you!!

[amj1979]

Hi! There is a lot about this situation that is inappropriate, and unfortunately most of my concerns are with your boyfriend.

He is being disrespectful to his ex-girlfriend, because if she's still in love with him and his feelings have changed he needs to cut her off. It's harsh but as we all know it's the only way for people to move on from a relationship. Friendships CAN sometimes develop several months or years later, but you can't just go from one to the other overnight.

He is being disrespectful to you by maintaining such frequent contact and spending time with a very recent ex. If his romantic relationship with her is truly over and he's committed to you, there shouldn't be room in his life for the ex. Not to say we can't have friends of the opposite sex, but that's different than someone who he was with that is still in love with him.

I don't think your idea of meeting the ex-girlfriend is healthy. You won't be able to treat her objectively because she used to be with your boyfriend. She won't be able to treat you fairly because you're with the guy she's still in love with. Tell me any circumstance under which this ends well?

It's unfortunately you broke up during the life events you had to go through. That's an unimaginable tragedy and I'm truly sorry it happened to you. I wish you could have leaned on your boyfriend for support instead of letting him go. But that said, your boyfriend needs to make a decision. If he's going to be with you it's not appropriate for him to constantly talk to and see his recent ex. No one will ever fully move on as long as that continues to be the situation. You have every right to feel disrespected. Subconsciously your boyfriend may like the ego boost of two women wanting him. It's one thing if people are just casually dating, but in your situation he needs to make a better commitment. I wish you luck with this, and let me know if I can help provide any other advice!

[TheEvilJester]

Wow. Awesome, amj. You basically mirror imaged exactly everything I was going to say. So, not much need to reiterate it. I agree with everything said.

I will just say this. Bottom line, if he wants to remain her friend then that is his decision. However, that doesn't mean you should just have to be okay with it. If it honestly didn't bother you, then fine. No harm, no foul. It DOES bother you, and I think any normal, rational human being could understand why it does. So, give that it does, he really should make a decision.

As it is, I wouldn't necessarily advise you to give him an ultimatum. To basically tell him it's me or her. Reason being, he doesn't even deserve the opportunity. Either he should care enough about you to at least try to do something to make you feel better, or he doesn't deserve you in the first place. So, you've made it clear how you feel about the situation. Now, the ball is in his court. If he doesn't see fit to so much as even change the situation in the slightest, then maybe that is your excuse to move on.

I could understand if he just doesn't want to hurt her feelings. Thing is, if that is the case and he truly loves you and no longer feels anything for her.... he's hurting her more by leading her on. Though, with how frequently they are in contact, I'd honestly personally wonder if he's being completely honest. I mean, most people aren't in touch with friends every single day.

Good luck to you either way. I hope things turn out well for you, whether it winds up meaning he shapes up, or whether it winds up meaning you leave him and find your true match elsewhere.

[myers5061]

He's trying to play the double game in the dumbest way possible. She keeps her (or you, for that matter) as a backup option in case things go wrong. With a guy like that, you aren't going to get a decent relationship, so give up on it before it's too late.

[Wakeup]

He's meeting an ex g/f that is still in love with him one on one?

I'd be gone because it's clear that he is juggling two women. Let him have her and you have the good self respect to not enable him to have the two of you.

You can do better then a cheater who is if nothing else, dividing his emotional self between two women who he plays to the nth degree.

[TheEvilJester]

Gotta say, as much as I do try to give the benefit of the doubt to people in my responses (though while still giving my honest thoughts and advice) I do agree with the others. MAYBE we're wrong and he is honestly just trying to do the right thing. However, it sure as Heck doesn't seem that way, if you ask me (or apparently many of my colleagues here on the board).

Hell, if he IS sort of juggling you both, if he were honest about it I may not agree with his actions, but I could at least respect his honesty. As it is, this certainly SEEMS fishy if you ask us. (Myself and the other members above who appear to agree with me. Not talking about the voices this time. ) If we are correct and he is juggling you both, then he's being deliberately dishonest about it to boot.

Though I do try to give the benefit of the doubt, I have a hard time believing your fella's story. After all, even if he IS being honest.... who in their right mind could not see that they are wronging two people in this situation? Wronging the current girlfriend by remaining so close to his ex (especially an ex who so obviously wants him back). Wronging the ex by leading her on when he knows she wants him back, but he does not feel the same way.

Hopefully I'm being too cynical. If I am, GREAT.... but it still doesn't change the fact that he needs to man up and do the right thing, by you AND by his ex. Good luck to you.