long term dating

[yearwithout]

Hi,
Would be curious about people's thoughts on long term dating, with no apparent prospects for living together or marriage. I've been in an exclusive relationship with a woman 4 years. Actually we broke up for a year, because she said she had no interest in getting married, which is something I'd like at some point. We are both divorced with kids. I have two (16 and 18) and she has one (14). My kids don't stay with me much now that they are older, while she has her son full time. One issue I know for her is she doesn't want to disrupt the life of her son too much. She also doesn't have much trust in marriage given what happened to her own and her parents. We've been back together over a year now, but don't talk about future plans. I've been reluctant to bring up the topic, but I'm beginning to feel worn down by the situation again. I'd rather not continue living alone indefinitely. Yes there would be adjustments and challenges living with her and her son, so that's part of the reason I haven't brought it up. I can see it happening much easier when her son goes to college in 3 years. But even that is not a given since we haven't discussed it.

So in summary...is it common for people to date for so long and not live together when kids are still in the picture? My hunch is it seems an odd way to live...to use text messages to wish the one you love goodnight 5 days or more out of the week.

[TheEvilJester]

To be honest, there is absolutely nothing wrong with that..... if and when it works for both parties. It sounds like that doesn't necessarily work for you. If it doesn't, don't try to force it to work or force yourself to just "accept" it. By the same token, don't try to force her to get married if she isn't ready/doesn't want that. There's not necessarily anything wrong with it if she doesn't want to, but nor is there anything wrong if you DO.

It is one thing if you two can agree to some happy medium. Some compromise that satisfies you both. If that is possible, then great. If not, though, then that might mean you two are just not meant to be. You can seem like a great match for somebody in almost every aspect, but if there is even one major difference in an important factor, that CAN be make or break.

It isn't like this is a minor little thing. This is a big deal. If you two have completely different views on marriage, and that is unlikely to change, that may be important enough to be a deal breaker. Good luck to you either way, though. I hope you two figure it out and find your way to happiness, whether that means together or going your separate ways and finding somebody else.

[Wakeup]

It seems you made a mistake to go back to her under the same dynamic. It would have been better had you talked to her about the issue and if she hadn't changed her stance then to keep yourself gone from her. You would be over her (or well on your way) by now. However; that is water under the bridge now and I guess the question is. Can you go on like you have been?

As for your actual question: Yes, it's quite normal for couples in your situations to date for a long time without advancing the relationship. It's a good thing when both are on the same page... not so good when one wants more while the other does not.