Is he just not able to show affection to do I really not matter to him?

[antiincognito]

Hello,

a few months ago, I started sleeping with a colleague of mine. We met whenever we could and not only had sex but also went on tours, had dinner and even kinda made plans to go on a holiday – but it was no relationship. We where in constant contact over texting – but actually hardly really spoke at work. But that was't really a problem for me. Over Christmas I went home for nearly a month and in the beginning our messaging stayed the same. Until his replies became shorter and not as frequent as before. But still he apologized for taking so long and asked when we would see each other again.

But then when I came back: he got sick on the day we were supposed to meet so we saw each other again at work. He's always been kind of a dick there and I think it was the first time he actually also got mean with me. He seemed like he didn't really want to speak with me at work and I let him be – we were still in contact over the phone. But still, his behaviour towards me became really hurting at times. We Tried to make plans to meet outside of work but something was always in the way. So it took us over a month to actually meet up again. He invited me to his best friend ... and we actually ended up in a threesome.

I mean it was nice but I kinda felt bad afterwards – because why would he let me have sex with his best friend. Means he didn't really care.
But nonetheless, the next weekend he wished me a good time on my short holiday and the week after that he took me to a birthday of a friend of his. I should mention, during that time, a guy at work caught my eye and because he kinda knows him, I asked him if he could give me his number. Maybe that was a mistake...
So at that birthday, he made a show out of falling in love with a girl at an other table and let me tell you it was horrible for me to sit beside him while he seemed to be head over heels. They said afterwards that it was for comedy but would you do that if the girl you liked sat right beside you?
Over the evening he seemed quite distanced and i spent most of the time with his best friends. But when the best friend went home, he called him and told him to come back "So we can do the same thing like last time". But well, his best friend didn't come back so we two slept together but right after, he asked if I wanted to take the next train home. I just lay down in bed and fell asleep and he let me be but in the early morning when we were both awake he asked again and on my question if he wanted to throw me out: "Throw you out is a bit harsh. I just don't want my family to know that someone spent the night here". And let me tell you this: the times before christmas when I was at his home, he invited me to stay the night – it was just never possible for me. But at least he drove me to the train station and offered to buy me some breakfast to go (I paid myself).

Over the week we occasionally texted but hardly spoke at work. I asked him if he wanted to go to a club sometime and he said he would really like to.
One morning when I woke that week, I found a message from midnight on my phone of him telling me that he was actually at my subway station. He lives an hour away from me. Apparently he was at a bar and when I asked him why he drove up to my station, he replied "I have no idea". Like no information on what he wanted there. I let it be and it was alright for me – I even was kinda happy about it but today... Well, he always tells me that I am rude to him. It's my way of showing affection (I have often told that to people and I think it is obvious what I mean by it) but he always greets me with "Trying to provoke again?". And yeah, today we kinda got in a (as I thought playful) argument over text about that until he said: "... because I get exasperated with you". My replied of "Not very nice!" stayed read and unreplied.

And now I am here, having no idea what to do. I want to keep it like that, see if he comes back to me but also I want to finally talk to him, ask him what happened between a few months ago and today.
Because I actually don't know what I want from him. If I just want his attention or more and I want to finally know what he wants. Because it is so weird that he can be really nice at times but be really rude, too. Especially to me – but only if other people are around.
And I thought I was obvious enough with my intentions and just never got a response to them.

I really really need a view on that from a completely objective point. Because I have a feeling that I am unhappy since Christmas. I can't get him off my mind, sometimes I can't even follow conversation because I think of why he won't text back, why he texted what he did. It's getting really depressing and I just want a solution.

[TheEvilJester]

You don't have to answer this if you do not want to, but how old are you, and how old is this fella? Mainly, I ask because the kind of childish games he seems to play with you really belong left back in grade school dating. Hell, I honestly never even felt they had any place there. They CERTAINLY do not belong in an adult relationship.

Bottom line, though, a relationship is supposed to make you feel happy, feel loved, feel great. Especially early in a relationship. Yes, sometimes they can be hard and can take work.... but that should only happen over time.

If you two have only really been an "item" for a few months and it is already super-drama, that is probably only going to get worse. It doesn't sound like this relationship is making you happy. To me, it just boils down to that. It isn't making you happy, so what is the point of continuing to pursue it?

I know it isn't always that simple.... but to be honest with you, I think it IS that simple this time. But, honestly, maybe that is just me. It seems like he is treating you more just like an occasional hook-up than a relationship. If that is okay with you, well then more power to you. It doesn't sound to me like that IS okay with you, though. If it's not, it sounds like you probably won't find anything more with this guy. But, hey, if you wanted to give it one last effort, then go for it. Talk to him about how you feel and that you'd like to potentially move toward something more serious. At least that way you'd know if you are on the same page.

Still, to me personally it doesn't really sound like he's even worth the chance. It seems doubtful he'd be able to or even willing to do that. Though, again, I admit that could just be my interpretation. Good luck to you.

[dontaskme]

If you want a man to love and respect you, you need to show him that you are a girl who is worth both. The way you conducted yourself to him showed that you are a girl who DOESN'T command for love and respect because 1) you allowed him to be rude to you 2) you enabled him to use you as a fukc buddy and 3) you even allowed him to share you with his best friend (and was willing to do it again had the best friend showed up).

Why the hell didn't you stop him from calling his best friend to have a threesome the second time around? Heck, why even do it the first time?

You don't need any strangers to answer your question. Just look at yourself in the mirror to find out if you like what you see.