Is this a form of Narcissim? Controlling behaviour? Manipulation?

[Tomorrow]

Hi all new member here

Wish I could say I was in a better head space however I need some advice on my ex. She is all over the shop atm & i've had enough.

I've been kinda still seeing my ex until last week we broke up Valentines weekend. She is kinda seeing another guy who is infatuated with her. I've had a few dates myself but know i'm only on the rebound. I'm sure it won't last with him as he is a puppy dog & he will just smother her like he did last time. She dumped him for me originally & he ran straight back to her when we broke up. I actually feel sorry for the guy if anything. She tells me he gives her what I can't & vice versa. She even said she wants her cake & eat it as well?

I keep telling her to go for it (which she hates) so I can move on as I do have feelings for her but know it's not going to work.

I don't put my ex on a pedestal & know I can find someone else. However like you said it bothers me as well, it's getting under my skin how she can treat me like this.

I have said to her multiple times & she agreed that we both she go no contact which I can do though within a day she always contacts me & I give in cause I feel sorry for her.

I don't want to be a prick & not respond as that's my style as I honestly want her to be happy. We are just going around in circles.

However this weekend the penny dropped I knew she was out with him as she didn't text me or anything to say good night. Her last text to me was xxxxxx love you & miss you lots xxxxxxxx. (Cough). The next day around lunchtime she texts me all nice in sweet saying Baby what are you doing??? I had enough & didn't bother replying.

I also found out she made up some bs about this other girl I use to be involved with. I'm only assuming she wants me to hate her so I don't contact her again?

Jeez it's been one day of no contact & she has called me at least 30 times. I have not answered or called back. Not replied to any texts either.

I've received all sorts of texts saying how much she hates me, how much she loves & wants to be with me, that she has dumped the other guy & also sent me pics of her in lingerie?

Am I dealing with an irrational control freak narc who has lost the control of the situation?

I've always ended my relationships on a good note except one. I may have to accept that this might be my second one? I don't like hurting people but she is giving me no choice. I need to respect myself.

Your advice is most appreciated as i'm sure i'm blinded by love on this one.


T.

[TheEvilJester]

I gotta be honest with you.... I don't think you really need our advice. It sounds to me like you are pretty close to figuring this out already. Sometimes, though, it can be helpful to hear others thoughts, especially if they just confirm what you already know.

I don't know if I'm headed the same direction you are, but it certainly seems that way....

I think it is time you need to just be firm and end it once and for all. In the end, you don't have to be directly rude, but you do have to be direct. In other words, you don't have to blatantly hurt her. You don't have to be mean about it. But, you need to stick to your guns. If I were you, I would just tell her, very cordially but matter of factly "Look, I appreciate the time we spent together, but now I think it is just best that we both move on. In time, maybe we can be friends, but for now we just need to go our separate ways." Something to that effect, but obviously in your own words.

If she can't respect that, then you just ignore her. Eventually she will probably move on. If she doesn't, then maybe you stop being quite so nice, but as best you can don't let her pull you into that trap. Also, don't let her bate you into doing anything that could just make matters worse.

You once loved her, and part of you maybe still does. I think we can all understand that and understand how you feel. However, the important thing to realize is that it isn't really HER you love, but more so the person you thought she was. Not saying that to blame you, more so I mean that it sounds like she was deceptive to you. I've been there myself. In time you will see that you deserve so much better than her.... and in time you will find it. Don't allow yourself to be stuck with somebody who doesn't deserve you (and maybe never did) just to be with somebody.

Good luck to you.

[melancholia]

This sounds less like narcissism and more like two people (you and your ex) who can't seem to officially cut ties with the other, even though it's healthier and better for both of you. Clearly you are getting something out of this situation or you wouldn't continue going back and forth with her. It sounds like you've come here to get advice on how to end things with her. I think you need to tell her that you are done with this child's game and that you need to move on. Tell her you've had enough and that this situation has been sucking you dry, emotionally and mentally. Explain that for the betterment of your own well-being, you need to cut ties with her. Then, actually cut ties with her. Stop contacting her, stop answering her calls and texts, and if you can't delete/block her from social media, at least unfollow her so that she isn't popping up in your newsfeed all the time. Then, start to focus you energy on things that are going well for you. Whether that's your career, or school, or a hobby. Start spending more time with your friends, or maybe find a class you might be interested in so you can get out and meet people. The more energy you spend on creating fun, positive experiences for yourself, the less energy you will waste on this relationship.

[Tomorrow]

Thanks for your replies.

Yes you are both right. I needed to hear it from someone else who is not emotionally involved.

I will send her a nice message telling her I wish her all the best & we need to both move on.

Thanks again. ))

[TheEvilJester]

Good on you, friend. Exactly the way to go. You can take the high road, yet still break things off once and for all. A nice positive message just telling her you wish her no ill will, but you both need to move on and say goodbye. If she tries to escalate things from there, just ignore her. The eventual goal is that she should not be part of your life at all.

Unfortunately, you can't control what she may do or say, so hopefully she is reasonable enough to respect your wishes and leave you alone. I she's not, as I said, just ignore her once you've said your peace and hopefully she will eventually take the hint. In time, if she refuses, maybe then that is when the kid gloves come off.... but still remember, you can be more firm (if you have to) while still being reasonable. Don't ever let her pull you into a trap where she pulls you down to her level. Good luck!

[topazlight]

First off, you aren't her Baby and she shouldn't tell an ex I love you or miss you or overload you with calls and texts daily, maybe a few during a month period if casual and only friendly for catching up. The lingerie photos was her at her desperate best. She is trying to play you, I'd block her in all places you can block her.

[Tomorrow]

Unfortunately, you can't control what she may do or say, so hopefully she is reasonable enough to respect your wishes and leave you alone. I she's not, as I said, just ignore her once you've said your peace and hopefully she will eventually take the hint. In time, if she refuses, maybe then that is when the kid gloves come off.... but still remember, you can be more firm (if you have to) while still being reasonable. Don't ever let her pull you into a trap where she pulls you down to her level. Good luck!

Hi unfortunately she has taken the low road & is out to cause bitterness. I ended up having to tell her I met someone else & to leave me alone. In return I received hate texts. I have ignored her & haven't heard from her in two days.

Sad how some people can't let go & be mature about the situation & it has to go to this level. I've losing all respect for her. The positive side is at least she is making it easier for me to move on.

[TheEvilJester]

Oh yeah, I definitely hear you on that feeling. When my ex and I first decided to break it off, I was happy because I'd been miserable for a long time and it just finally became evident that I deserved better than that relationship. In time, looking back, I started to realize how bad of a person she was.... but the funny thing is when we first broke up, even though I realized that relationship was not good for me, there was still part of me that thought that she was a good person, but we just didn't work as a couple. ....Then we lived together/separate for a little while until we could both get to a point where we could comfortably move.

Being no longer a couple helped me to see her a different light and that really helped me to start realizing just how bad of a person she had been all along. God, I still sometimes think about it to this day and wonder what the HELL I was thinking.... but sometimes when you think you are in love, you just can't see these things even when they are right in front of you.

Anyway, bottom line, I know exactly what you mean and couldn't agree more that it there is at least one silver-lining in her treating you so poorly in this break-up.... and that is that all she is doing is proving to you how much better you deserve. She acts like she wants to be friendly, but the moment you tell her you need to move on she either A) acts super clingy and tries to keep you around or B) goes nuclear on you and tries to pull you down with her.

As you said, she's done you a favor by reminding you that you deserve better than her. Good luck in finding that some day (I hope very soon). But, Hell, even more importantly, good luck in re-finding somebody really awesome that maybe you lost touch with as result of this bad relationship.... YOU!

[Tomorrow]

Cheers EJ!

Yes what you are saying is correct. I am beginning to realise she isn't the nicest person & it's helping me move on. She is ue to be in control & now he has lost it I am seeing her true colours ))

- - - Updated - - -

What do you think it means if she has told me not to contact her again & now she is liking my Facebook posts?

Manipulation? regret? Control?