Should i have gone after her?

[toogoo]

Hello, this is my first post on this site, i hope i did not end up posting this into the wrong section.

I am 21 years old. I never have been in a relation yet, i tried it twice in the past, but those went bad, because once i asked her out to early, and the other time i waited to long i guess (friendzoned). I dont consider myself as being shy, but i am not that kind of person who usually begins an conversation except with my best friends and family etc. If others start the conversation, i can talk mostly longer than them.

So, there is this girl which has been my crush for almost a year now. Yet i dont know anything about her except her name through facebook. I dont even know if i exist to her, i am not that famous too.

Mostly, i see her at this club once every 2 weeks, but she is never alone - always there are at least 2 GFs next to her which never leave her alone, makes it even harder for me to make a move.

Last time, as always i was "starring" at her to hope for an sweet eye-contact. For now, she always behave like "not noticed" me, even if i walk past her, she always looked at the opposite direction to kind of avoid me i guess. But this time, while i was starring, all of them have turned their eyes towards me and starred at me too for a few sec. Then they began laughing (at me), at this point , i felt like being mocked by them, i tried to smile back and left the room with a red face :0

After waiting outside for about 10min, her friends somehow have dissapeared and she was alone. She noticed me and smiled at me with an shy expression , so i did. "bestmomentinmylife" :S

Now i had two options, 1: go get her, 2: wait for an miracle to make it happen. Of course i chose nr.2 -.- and missed this opportunity...and nothing happened this evening. I dont know if it was the right decision, maybe it was good that i keep a bit more time between us before making the move. maybe i f***** it up too, i dont know...

I mean, in my eyes, she is probably the most beautiful thing i have ever seen, while i am not really handsome at all, compared to her i feel like useless, that i have nothing to offer for her.

Until now, i was not sure if she was in a relation or not, but after that smile i can pretty much tell that she may be interested in me, now is the question how i gotta get her? i hope that i can randomly meet her private to maybe start an conversation there, but i really have to be lucky for this to happen...

How you guys/girls describe this kind of relation? Is it all fantasy or could there be a possibilty for me?
Thanks for now !

[TheEvilJester]

You don't actually know her, so I wouldn't jump to any conclusions as to how great or not she may be. For all you know she could be everything you imagine she is, for all you know she could be a terrible person. You don't know, so don't get too ahead of yourself.

....That said, there is no reason you can't approach her and try to talk to her. Believe me, I know how you feel. I understand the mindset you are going through. So, let me make something very clear....


YOU DESERVE SOMEBODY SPECIAL!!! Could that be her? Maybe, maybe not. But, do not allow yourself to think you are unworthy of anybody. Just like you, she is just a human being. You are perfectly worthy of her. That doesn't necessarily mean she'll automatically be interested. She's still within her rights not to be if she is not interested. However, if she's not, then consider that HER loss, not yours.

That said, honestly, my advice would be just to go for it. You say you often see her at this club, so go back and maybe you will see her again. If you do, make some excuse to go talk to her. Sure, there is the chance that she would make the first move to talk to you, but don't just wait around hoping that happens. If you want the chance to talk to her, you go ahead and make it happen.

Trust me, I of all people understand how that is so much easier said than done. Don't get me wrong. I'm not, at all, trying to imply that it is so easy. Don't beat yourself up too much about it. It is nerve-wracking. I'm just saying, stop doubting yourself and just give it a shot. Tell yourself that you are a great person and any gal would be lucky to have you. Hopefully she'd see that and give you a chance. If not, then that is her loss and some other girl will. But it is definitely at least worth a shot.

Good luck to you!

[toogoo]

Thx for the reply
You are absolutely right if i think about it right now.

i know already that itll be a very, very long time for me if she says no, but i have to go through it, because i wont take a look at other persons until this one is settled down.

I dont think shell make the first move, that only happen in fairy tails :s
i know i have to make, the question left is when&where

thx, it helped a lot to hear another persons opinion !

[TheEvilJester]

I may have said it already, but I hear a lot of my own self-doubt in you. I can most definitely relate to how you feel, so hopefully that makes me uniquely qualified to offer you my own thoughts and advice. They are coming from somebody who suffers from the same kind of things.

You are exactly right, though. If you ask her out, maybe she'll say no.... but you'll be better off knowing rather than just wondering what if. If you fail to try and then lose your chance (for example, maybe she stops coming to the club, or she still comes but starts hanging out with some other guy) then you'll always be left wondering what could have happened if you had tried. Believe me, I know that from experience too. I've lived my whole life being SO ridiculously shy I couldn't ever bring myself to try.... and yet God also cursed me to be such a romantic that I often WANTED to so badly. Seems I always had a crush on somebody, but never knew what to do about it. So, having to be left always wondering "what if" is basically the story of my love life.

I have had a long lasting relationship, but she turned out to be so wrong for me I can't understand how it took me so long to see that. The sad/infuriating thing is these days, for the first time in my life, I feel like I actually finally COULD take the chance I never could in the past. I actually COULD ask a girl out if she interested me..... but I have no viable perspectives (beyond maybe a few women who intrigue me.... but I know them in a situation that just isn't terribly conducive to talking to strangers, much less asking one out). That, and I'm sort of falling into a terrible downward spiral of not even wanting to bother.

I don't mean to blab on and on about myself. This isn't about me, this thread is for you. I'm only saying all that as a cautionary tale. You don't deserve to have to go through all that yourself. You deserve a good woman in your life. Don't sabotage your own chances by not being willing to take a chance to ask a girl out. If you get rejected, yes that will suck.... but it will only suck for a while and then you will get past it. You may get rejected a few times.... but eventually some gal WILL give you a chance. That one yes will be worth all the no's.

For my part, though I may not see it right now, I WILL be okay. I'm a survivor. I can't even control it if I wanted to stop it. That is the same sort of thing you need to feel in yourself. Trust me, I get you may not feel it right away, but in time you will. So, for now, even if you don't believe it yourself just yet, just tell yourself that you are awesome. That any gal would be lucky to have you. You're not God's gift to the world. Nobody is THAT great. But you are an awesome guy who deserves an awesome gal. Any girl unwilling to give you a chance... well, that is her loss.

Good luck to you, friend!

[toogoo]

i can absolutely mirror down your thoughts onto myself. The funny part is, while i am thinking about wheter or not she likes me, maybe she is thinking of me as well. I heard that happens often enough too.

i am actually not that shy, i feel pretty confident about these situations, it is simply the fear of being rejected, you may say: What is the worst thing that'll happen, she say no? well, of course if you put all of your trust into a person for months, it is a bad feeling if all that hope dissapears from you.

So i have to take the situation more pessimistic before i will be dissapointed to hard.
I also dont know what do i fear more: the fact that she may reject me, or that she will agree it, but i eventually find out that she is not the girl i have imagined she would be, so i have to leave her in the end :/

Either way, it is a hard choise, wheter you know anything about her because you have been friends forever, or you know nothing about her, because some of em just see you as a good friend, nothing more.

Unfortunately men cant read minds, doesnt we? would be soooo much easier

[TheEvilJester]

That could certainly be true. She may be thinking the same about you, hoping that you'll come up and talk to her. ....Or you may just be some random guy she happens to see at the club sometimes and nothing more to her. You have no way to know because, as you said, we can't read minds. However, the good news is even if you ARE, in her mind, just some random stranger.... that doesn't mean it has to remain that way. Everybody in our lives started as a stranger before we got to know them.

I hear you on the fear of rejection. You know the funny thing? For me personally, that was never what stopped me. Granted, it's not like I WANTED to be rejected. I realized it would have hurt, it would have sucked, but I knew I would have been fine with it. I could go into the multitude of reasons in the past that had always given me pause, but it would take too long. LOL! Besides, I'd venture to guess a lot of them are the same things that have gone through your own mind and caused you to second guess yourself.

Believe me, though, I know exactly how you feel. You've had a crush on her for a while now, so that almost adds to the anxiety in the whole situation. If you ask her out and just get rejected, then it feels like months of your life wasted. Not only that, but having a crush on somebody can actually be a really great feeling. Suddenly no longer having ANYBODY to focus those feelings on does kind of suck. Think of it like this, though... Don't you eventually want to be able to focus those feelings on somebody in an actual relationship, rather than having to only focus them on somebody from afar who you don't really know?

Rather than having a crush on somebody but never even speaking to them (or even if you do, never asking them out) isn't your eventual goal to have a relationship? Obviously if you don't try, that will be unlikely to happen. Yes, it would suck not even having a crush anymore, not having anybody to focus those thoughts and feelings on at all, much less a relationship, but at least then you can eventually move on, find somebody knew who interests you, and hopefully that time if you ask she'll say yes. Eventually you'd find the gal who will. (Side note: God, I really feel like I'm giving myself this advice here because this all applies to me so much. LOL! If only I could listen to my own damn advice. This is definitely a good example of "Do what I say, not what I do." LOL!)

Believe me, I get what you mean that it would be a shame to invest all this time with a crush on her if it winds up not working out. But, if you DON'T try, then you'll just continue having a crush on her and it will never go anywhere. Like I said, I know from experience that is no fun.

I know it is so much easier said than done, but the only way to really get past this is to start to try. Heck, if you try and it actually DOES go well, don't you think future you would be kicking past you in the butt for even thinking about not talking to her? LOL! Yeah, after you've had a crush on her for months, it would certainly suck if you finally go for it and it doesn't go well. Still... at least then you will know and you can eventually move on to a new gal who hopefully WILL say yes.

Even if you do try and get rejected.... yes, that will suck, but you get over it. Not to mention, in time you get less and less anxious about trying. Getting rejected will never stop sucking, but you get a little better at dealing with it and bouncing back. Heck.... who knows? You may be one of the lucky ones. You could wind up getting a yes the very first time. But, you'll never know if you don't try.

Again, yes, I of all people know it is very easy to SAY all this, but so much harder to actually put it into practice. I wish I could say there was a magical solution to getting over that anxiety. Unfortunately, the only way to really do so is by trying. The more and more you try, the easier it gets.

Good luck!

[toogoo]

i think it now depends on how she will react to the first second she will see me.
probably going to make the move in most cases now, the question is, what am i going to say if i start talking to her?
Like: "Hey, its me u know, the random stalker, nice to meet you!"?
or i dont know man xD
i dont even know if i should talk to her in " our" native language or simply the german we are living in :/
especially if she is not going to be alone as always, what should i talk about then? nice weather? haha

unbelievable, it feels like i never talked to any humans yet...
usually i can talk to anyone, this fear of losing something you dont even possessed yet, it kills me T.T
i also started looking around in public like crazy because i "see" her anywhere now...geezes...

[joshdavids1]

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