Should I tell this girl I am not right for her or should I try to change first ?

[reman1]

I have been in a relationship with a girl who lives abroad for a good while now and things seem to be heading towards us getting married. If we get married, it would mean her leaving her old life behind to come and live with me (that is, her family, career, everything).

As a result, I have really been examining myself because I am really worried that I might let her down or become some negative aspect of her life. I used to be the type of person who was physically abusive to family members at home many years ago. Although I have put a stop to that, I still have times where I might get angry over things that look minor later (especially when I have a migraine or if I am very tired) and where I end up raising my voice with family members though I have been trying to change this too and I just try to be quiet whenever something happens that annoys me. I also read some news articles that basically say that the traits I have mean I will become an abusive partner.

The girl I am talking to has had some pretty major losses in life, and I REALLY don't want her to suffer because of me. What really kills me is that this girl thinks I am very kind and sweet which makes me feel like a dishonest manipulator, and the news articles I have read suggest that abusive partners do not change. So should I just tell her (as much as I like her) that I might end up abusing her and just end our relationship ? Or is there a chance I can turn myself around and stop this ?

I know this sounds like a dumb question. But I have been very stressed over this one aspect and above all, I really don't want this girl to suffer if it is true that I cannot change. Any thoughts from members here as to how I should proceed are very welcome.

[TheEvilJester]

I wouldn't really say it is as cut and dry as just saying either A) you should end it or B) you should stay with her. There is more to it than just that. First off, you say you are trying to change. What are you doing to try to change? Are you getting professional help. Believe me, I know people shy away from that sometimes, but you shouldn't. It is NOT a sign of weakness. We all need a little help sometimes. If a professional could help you to get over these things and change more effectively and/or more quickly, why would you not accept their help?

Secondly, you definitely shouldn't leave her without at least sharing some of the details of your past. You are obviously ashamed of this aspect of your past, but it is still part of your history and part of what helped to shape you into the person you are today. Yes, the things you describe were bad and you should wish to improve yourself and no longer be that way.... but if your past experience helps you to make yourself a better person, then at least you've learned and grown as a person.

She may hear about your past and not necessarily like hearing you were once like that.... but maybe instead of hearing "God, this guy I thought I loved has a dark past... maybe that's what I have to look forward to with him" maybe she'll hear "Wow! My guy sure had a rough go of things in the past.... but instead of just letting that be who he is, he was strong enough to work on getting better." It is not for you to decide if you are not good enough for her. That is her decision. Maybe she will hear about your past, but not care as long as it is just that... your past. Thus far, you have been good to her. Maybe she can look past it if that does not change, and you exhibit no signs of being that way to others either.

So, at the very least, before you make any decisions, talk to her about how you are feeling. About what you are thinking. Let her be part of the decision. Maybe it will turn out that will give her second thoughts. It sucks if that does happen, but it will tell you that she was not the right one for you, or that this was just not the right time. If so, continue to focus on bettering yourself and you'll soon be worthy of somebody special. Hopefully, though, you won't even have to find that out. Hopefully she'll understand your past and be able to help in being part of keeping it in your past.

Good luck to you. The very fact that you realize you need to change is already a great first step. Sounds like you've even put in a lot of effort already in trying to change, so now not only do you realize it, but you also put actions to your words. Good for you, and good luck in continuing to fight the good fight.

[red romeo]

evil jester gets the cookie for this one hes right you know change is inevitable but change in ones self comes down to choice a change in life style and actions

[TheEvilJester]

evil jester gets the cookie for this one

Ooo! Yum! When do I get my cookie? ...and what kind? LOL!