I need your help - please read this

[carawis]

Hi, at first I want to say that it will be quite a long story, though I'll try to make it shorter and not to write unimportant things to the story. I need your serious opinions, because I'm in million pieces right now.

P.S. sorry I'm not English - I'm from eastern Europe.

Where do I start. I was at exchange in Germany with friend of mine and for 3 weeks we had no place to live, fortunately our friend was also at exchange, but in the city 1,5 hour from us. We lived at her pace (let's call her M) for 3 days and the I mat him (they're living together in a student flat). He (let's call him X) was after 4 year relationship and I know he had some problems with his ex. He actually likes brunettes with south temper and I'm a slavic girl. But I liked him, he's very open person, loud, very good-looking, talkative, had just one minus - age, cause he's almost 7 years older than me and he's ending his master. We all talked, played, had fun through this days, but then I had to come back with my friend to our city and in a week we had our own place to live so I invited my two friends, who one lives with X. X texted M if he can go too and I agreed, I was happy that X wants to come. We had so much fun, we drank a little and then we went to sleep, something happened and I went to sleep with X in my bed, we kissed passionately but nothing else happened. I was a virgin but I didn't tell him at that time. The second day came and we didn't talk about it at all, like nothing happened between us, he was just talking "I could live here" and blablabla.
After this small party I felt something for him. Then I was doing everything to see him again. I made a second party and he was invited. He didn't knew if he comes and I was devastated but my friend called him and he came. X was quiet, nothing like himself, but then I started talking to him and he was more open to everybody, he started laughing etc. Some of my friends stayed by me so me and X went to sleep in the kitchen, at the mattress He said that night, that because of me he feels better, then asked me if I could live here in Germany, study here. I didn't know what he means. We kissed that night and something more, but I didn't want to have sex, so we stopped. I asked him what he wants from me, what he excpects and he said what I do expect. I really was shocked, maybe if I would say something that I'm looking for something longer, it would end that way. I said only that I'm not the girl 'one night stand' and he said something like okay, he's not that person either.
But to the story. I was falling in love with him and I couldn't stop that. He was the man I was looking for, I felt like he's the right one. But one stuation hanged it all.
Wherever I went to them, X was cold and always by himself. He treat me like a person, who he only knows and nothing more. I didn't understand that. One time before christmas I decided I'm going to talk to him. I took a tain and went to their place. And then after some time it hit me. He was all the time cold for me, just looking at me like a friend of his friend and nothing more. I packed my bags and went home immediately. He said that he thought the plans are different and I said that the planes have changed.
I was depressed, I couldn't talk, sleep, eat. I was in million pieces I can't even describe this how I felt, my heart was boken. M asked X how he feels about me, telling of me being in love with him. X said her, that he didn't know I feel something for him (wtf) and he doesn't feel the same way. "He has other problems and other people are for him important". Guysm I felt like he punched me tight in the face. I was devastated, didn't know what to do. I decided to never see him again.
But I did one thing. I wrote him a letter and I sent it. I wrote everything how I felt, I wished him the very best. I wrote that he's the best man I've ever known (which is true). X said M after a month that he has the letter. After a month! He didn't write back. He said M that he doesn't know what to do and again that he has other problems.
My exchange was ending. Me and my roomate were by a car and we had to pick up our friend, who lived temporarly by M and X. I stayed in the car, because I didn't want to see him again. M came out and said that I sould come inside. Then X came out - with a smile on his face, said hi to me, hugged me and said that I have to come inside. I did, but I didn't look at him. I was actually ten minutes as I was there, then when me and M went out, X said to my other friend that I overreact and maybe it's true but I don't care.
And the it ended. I was missing him so much. I was quite depressed back in my country. I found a job, was studying too, writing my bachelor, so I was quite busy. But I decided I'm going back. I' going to do my master in the city I was at exchange. So I bought tickets for june to go there to do some things. I decided to live at M's place, cause I thought X will no longer be there.
Back in the country I started to have other problems that he and his not being interested in me. I sometimes thought about him but I wasn't depressed anymore. But I have to say something. When I found out that he is going to be there when I come it pleased me. I was looking forward to see him again and I saw that through this time I was in my country, so 4 months, I was waiting to see him again, longing for it to happen. So I was feeling something for X all the time. It is not normal. But here comes the right story I want to share and I want you to decide what's going on, because I don' think at all and my emotions are si high right now.
On June 14th I went to Germany and saw him again. X seemed happy when he saw me, but he's happy all the time so whatever. We started talking but nothing happened, though I had a feeling that he is really happy to see me - well I was, very happe and I understood I didn't stop being in love with him. But he was really different, like he was on me all the time throughthis days. I just saw it, because i was something dofferent from december. Maybe he was just nice, I don't know.
The second day we all went to a party. At first we were sitting home, playing and having some funn, but then we went to this student club. X was at first all about me, but then he started talking to other girls, danced with them. I didn't know what to think, but at the end he always wet to us. But then he met some girl and started to talk to her. He was really drunk and when he wanted to introduce her to us I just picked up my things and went out. I couldn't look. I went hoe with other friends and he stayed. I was waiting for him, but he didn't come so I went to the bath. I said to myself that if hee comes with this girl it's over, it's just over with everything I've ever felt for him. And he came with her. Hewas so drunk, my gosh. But I was devastated, I couldn't understand why he was doing it. If I knew that some person was in love with me I wouldn't do such things even if I didn't love this person back. That was something cruel, awful thing for me.
The next day we all sat together in the kitchen and he didn't come, probably still sleeping. At 1 pm he went out and he sat also in the kitchen, the girl wasn't there. He had red eyes, was totally tired, wated. I started to feel pity for him. He didn't remember anything. Their other roomate started to tell him everything what happened last night and he was devastated. I felt like he was always looking at me hearing the news. I didn't want to show that it was really awful for me. I dodn't want to show him what he really means to me. So I stayed untouched. He asked later if I go with him to a copy shop and I agreed because I had to actually go somewhere else too. So we went together and were actually outisde a really long time. We talked, he said that he would like to watch a movie with me after a soccer gae (Germany played) and I agreed. After a soccer game we went home,his friends went with us too. When M said something about a girl from last night he said he's not interested and it doesn't really bother him at all and he doesn't want to hear anything about her. Then he looked at me. I don' know maybe I just wanted to see it.
His friends wanted to go somewhere but he didn't want to. He stayed home and we played game in teams. I was in a teamt with X and M was in a teatm with her boyfriend. X was once again all about me. Likehe was just touching me wherever he could, saying some things like I'm the best, I can do a move for him because I do it better. Something like that.
The we went to watch a movie in his room. He wanted to kiss me but I said his name like he should stop it and I must admit he seemed a little bit offended. ButI did want to kiss him. He layed at my legs and I touched his head. After a movie he looked at me and kissed me. We had sex, twice. I telled him I'm a virgin and he didn't mind. After that we went to sleep, but I left his room quite early and I went to M. I started crying, because I didn't know what to think. If he likes me, if he likes me not. Then I decided to play cold. I don't even know why. I was scared that he doesn't like me back. He only once asked me this day how I feel and something else, with a big smile. But nothing about our night. I couldn't sit at home so when X went out, me and M went out too. When we came back he wasn't there. I wanted to go out. When me and M wen out we saw him coming. When he saw us he started to smile. X said that his parents were calling him, because his father has birthday and want him to come home. M asked him if he wants to go and he said yes and no and then looked at me. I don't know what it meant but I wanted to say "don't go, stay a little longer'. The next day I was leaving too and he said that if he goes it will be quite early so we would not see each other again. I wanted to stop him, but I didn't have a courage, because he gave me all the time weird signs.
This night we also sat all in the kitchen, we talked, had fun, played and he was again looking at me all the time, so I felt a little blend. He was making some jokes about me. But I was quiet at the table, cold for him.
After that he said he must to go and sleep because he's leaving early to go home. We said goodbye, hugged and he wished me all the best with my bachelor. And then I saw him the last time.
I was devastated again. Now I'm home, back in my country and all I want to do is cry. I'm never going to see him again, X actually moves out in 2 months and M moves out even faster. I on't know what to do. I'm longing for him. I want to see him again. I don't know if some day I will forget him. He is really mi first love and I'm so unhappy without him. When I'm next to him I feel peaceful and when he's not around I'm just scared of not seeing him again.

[drleo]

you really love Mr x , wish he could love you back the way you love him, i think you have his contacts, call him and tell him how you feel maybe he will come around and see you again.