I don't know what to do...

[Mbifa8]

Hey guys so I will try to make this as short as possible..

I have been dating this guy for little over a year now and I was dumb one day and flirted with someone over text and he caught it..to be honest I wasn't trying to hide it because I wanted him to stop it. It has taken a big toll on our relationship and now all we do is fight, I am willing to stay and work it out and he has told me that he wants to work it out too But now he says he doesn't know and something just feels off like he already had someone set to the side.. I don't know I might be over reacting and yeah I understand I started the whole thing but I truly deeply love him and only want him. I don't know what I should do, should I stay and continue to fight or let him go and let him live his life? I don't wanna lose him cause he makes me happy but now I don't know how to feel..Sorry if it is confusing at all.

[TheEvilJester]

How long has it been since you made this mistake? Was it the last time, or have you made any repeat offenses? Why did you even do it in the first place? Is there some part of you that is unhappy with the relationship?

I only ask all this to help you put things in perspective. If this was a one time offense, and he chose to stay with you and try to make it work, then he does need to eventually trust you if you don't give him any further reasons not to trust you. If it has been a while and he still is not getting over it, then maybe it is best for you both just to move on. If it's not been that long, then it may just take him time to get past it, and you have to understand that.

On the surface, we can all certainly speculate that it shouldn't be THIS big of a deal (maybe most would consider what you did just innocent flirting and not really meaning anything).... but the thing is, maybe it is to him. And he has every right to feel that way if it is. Maybe he has been cheated on in the past.... or have known people he loves who have been used by somebody. So, if he cannot get past this, then he has every right to feel that way. However, what he has NO right to do is to punish you for one mistake forever if you never make another mistake like this again. So, if he chooses to stay with you, then that does need to stop.

So, I guess whether you stay and fight depends upon a few basic ideas. A) Are you sure now that this WAS just a mistake, that you do want to be with him, and that you won't make a mistake like this again? B) Does it seem there is any hope he will get over this as long as it doesn't happen again? If the answer to either is NO, then maybe it is best for you both just to move on.

Good luck to you either way.

[Mbifa8]

TheEvilJester..

I under stand completely and yes it was one mistake that happened I'd say 3 weeks ago..I understand it takes time to heal and I'm not pushing him at all. I will ask simple questions like "how are you doing" when I know he's thinking bout it or having a bad day and it turns into a fight. I'm not unhappy with the relationship, he makes me happy but at the time so much was going on and I guess you could say I was craving the attention and social time this guy was giving me when my boyfriend couldnt. All we did was text and it happened over a 3 day period. After that I haven't spoken to the guy since..I told my boyfriend I want him and I am trying to work it out and he keeps saying he wants to as well but something in me just says that he is only doing it to make me happy..I don't wanna think that cause he says he loves me and he would do anything for me but I don't know..

[TheEvilJester]

Did the texting turn romantic at all? When you think of it, three weeks isn't really that long. So, I could understand if he's not quite over it yet. Again, if all you did was text, to you and me that may seem like he is over-reacting. Thing is, maybe to him it was a bigger deal. Just as an example (I can't know if this is true or not) if he's been cheated on in the past, then he may be extra sensitive to the possibility of being hurt like that again.

So, on the surface I do think three weeks is kind of long to be THIS bent out of shape if all you did was to text with this fella.... but again, if it hurt him deeply enough, three weeks may seem to him like three hours. So, all you can really do is have some patience and continue to show him you wouldn't ever make that mistake again. It's actually better if you DON'T keep asking him about it/asking if he and/or you two are okay. Better just to let him work through it.

Again, though, he can't "work through it" forever or that is not fair to you. Not if you don't give him any others reasons to believe you cannot be trusted. Maybe you made a mistake, but one mistake (especially one that is not all THAT egregious) should not mean you are forever to be punished even if you never do anything again. So, give him time..... but not an unreasonable amount. If he continues to punish you over this, that may be time to take the kid gloves off, so to speak.

At that point, you may want to try the firm but fair approach. Something like, "Look, I really am sorry about what I did. I care so much about you and hate that I did anything to hurt you. But, I learned a lesson from that and I would never do anything like that to you again. And I haven't. If you can't get past that, I understand, but then you need to let me go. I don't want to lose you, to lose us, but I don't deserve to be punished this long for one mistake." Firm but fair. Hopefully, though, you don't even have to get to that point. Good luck!