LDR advice?

[RealLifeSeeker]

About a year after my break up, I met a guy that I felt I could open myself up to. We dated about a month before he had leave to another state. We both agreed not see other people and just recently we decided to make the relationship official. I am new to LDR, but not new to loving someone who doesn't share the same feelings. Idk if this doubt is because of the distance or the type of guy that he is. When I 1st started seeing him, he wasn't a super big texter and once in awhile would text me random sweet messages (good morning, night, etc). When he left and after we made it official (on his request) he started ghosting my texts, either taking forever to respond or not responding until I sent another text. I really got him for that because this wasn't just a one time incident. I laid it out that I would start dating other guys if he neglected me, I would never cheat, but I won't hesitate to leave him if he doesn't pay attention to. Am I just feeling the stress of a LDR? We plan on seeing each other maybe in the next few months. We do skype about once a week for an hour or more. I just find it weird that he was the one claiming he will texting/calling/skyping. He says he misses me and would like to hold me, but I don't feel how he is missing me, maybe he can't feel how I miss him either?

[billfever]

I was in a LDR. We were never "official" in her eyes but in the beginning we texted, called, skyped all the time. It was part of our daily routine. Over time it got less and less but we still spoke almost daily. Only at the end did she stop talking to me altogether. There is definitely stress added to a LDR because you simply cannot be together, see one another. I believe both partners have to make time for each other. However, you have to find the fine line between making time and not being needy. I got needy and that drove her away. I think you are right to say what you need, it is necessary. However, give it some time and see how it goes. Everyone responds differently to situations. Make every attempt to see one another as often as you can. If I had been able to see my ex more I think we would have had a chance. I always noticed that when we were together she would start being much more affectionate, contacting me more, etc. I hope it works for you.

[TheEvilJester]

I can sum up my advice about long distance relationships in one word:

DON'T

;-) Okay... so I'm partially kidding. Honestly, in general they are just not a good idea. They are really hard to maintain and often don't end well. That isn't to say they are ALWAYS doomed. They CAN work, it just takes a lot of hard work from both sides. At the very least, it takes both sides agreeing to the terms.

You are NOT wrong for wanting/expecting him to reach out to you more. In the grand scheme of things, he's also not automatically wrong if he doesn't reach out as much as you may like. It could be entirely possible he's just not as communicative. Some people are just like that. Some people, for example, can send text messages back and forth all day whereas others may not really like them all that much and only use them sparingly.

Where he IS wrong, though, is in that he actively promised to you he would make the effort to make it work.... then failed to do so. IF he happens to just be one of those people who doesn't really keep in touch as often and it doesn't mean he doesn't want to be with you, it's just how he is.... then he should have been honest about that right from the start. Maybe you could have learned to live with that, or maybe that wouldn't have been enough for you. But, either way, you had the right to make that decision for yourself.

He blatantly told you he would put in the effort, and then just blatantly didn't even bother. So, that is wrong and that is where/when a long distance relationship DOESN'T work. Honestly, my personal advice would be that you shouldn't word your complaint to him as though it is an ultimatum. You say you've said things to him like you will leave him if he doesn't put in the effort, or you could date other guys if he doesn't put in enough effort.

The thing is, you shouldn't bother to give him an ultimatum, nor should you have to anyway. Just tell him how you feel, and that his lack of contact does not work for you. Quite frankly, that should be hint enough to him that he'll lose you if he doesn't put in the effort. I almost never think giving somebody an ultimatum is a good idea because even if you DO get what you want, it just seems like a tainted victory. Even if he DID start to put in more effort, part of you might be left wondering if he did it because he wanted to or just did it because you complained.

So, bottom line, share how you are feeling with him. If that isn't enough to get him to change, then he never deserved you in the first place and you should just leave him. Don't give HIM the power to decide whether or not your relationship will end when he is the one wronging you. That should be your decision based on whether or not you feel he makes any effort to do better.

Good luck.

[Kates David]

Texts are only a fraction of full communication, so perhaps they mean but little more to him than words on a screen. Words are too easily grouped, so for him it is perhaps not until you are with somebody that they can truly mean anything - Perhaps he deliberately lags behind your texting for fear the texting may become a virtually constant exercise. Perhaps he does n`t wish to reduce the relationship to what he considers to be "mere texting". Or, perhaps he is not quite as keen on you as you are on him. Even should this be the case he will likely deny it. In which case he may be in denial, he may be dissatisfied with what is in reality inadequate regard, or, he may quite simply wish to hold out, to keep the truth to himself for as long as possible.

[melancholia]

I think the only way LDRs really work, is if there's already a strong foundation of a relationship established. In my mind, if you are already together for a significant amount of time, have built a strong foundation, and have both agreed on the status of your relationship, and then one of you moves away for work/school/whatever, then it's much easier to navigate an LDR because you've already built something together. If you start out a new relationship as an LDR, then how can you really bond with that person the way you would if you lived in close proximity to each other? I know it happens, where people meet in different cities/states/countries, but it's very rare that those relationships actually work out. Over time, you crave that attention, the touch, and physical closeness of someone you're in love with, and if you aren't getting that from your LDR, then it's only natural that you're going to want to find it elsewhere. That doesn't necessarily mean cheating, but a relationship built through skype, emails, and texting, really isn't the kind of relationship that is set up to be successful.

[RealLifeSeeker]

He was the one who asked us to be serious 2x (I accepted the 2nd time) and was the 1st one to say he wouldn't be dating other women.

[Kates David]

I agree with Mel. Realt, when it comes to agreeing stuff it is the test of time which counts, mere words for many can be relatively cheap, the more so long distance, and when the product of a relative vacuum. Romantics will tend to run with what they think they feel, and they are after all romantics, rather than what they have tested first, What you may have left now could simply be a product of how much actual pleasure he is experiencing from the process of texting. If you were cycling around the world, solo, he`d likely text ahead of you, I would. With long distance relationships there is usually but little foundation for your feelings, and consequently they may heighten and wane with mood. There is no reliable marker for love in texting, beyond perhaps by content, emotion, and reliable, even genuine, love, is only to be measured in currency of genuine effort.

[TheEvilJester]

Texts are only a fraction of full communication, so perhaps they mean but little more to him than words on a screen. Words are too easily grouped, so for him it is perhaps not until you are with somebody that they can truly mean anything - Perhaps he deliberately lags behind your texting for fear the texting may become a virtually constant exercise. Perhaps he does n`t wish to reduce the relationship to what he considers to be "mere texting".

That is actually a really good way to describe what I was trying to explain. Thanks, Kates David!

This is very much what I was trying to say. To some people, they may not see text messaging as that important. It is possible he is one of those people. Maybe, rather than texting all the time, he'd rather have a phone call with you now and then where at least he can actually hear your voice. Or Skype where he can hear you and see you. So, just the fact that isn't quick to answer your texts wouldn't necessarily automatically mean it is because he isn't putting in the effort/doesn't care enough to bother.

However, it doesn't really sound like he is putting in the effort at all.... and what's worse is that he specifically promised he would and yet still does not. Even worse still.... you were reluctant to become serious with him because of the long distance..... and yet he insisted. So, you finally agree.... and yet he just completely takes you for granted? That, my friend, is NOT right.

So, as I said, share with him how you are feeling. Share with him that a relationship where your guy barely pays attention to you is not going to work for you. No need to come right out and say you are going to leave him if he doesn't start to make the effort. The fact that you are telling him it doesn't work for you should be enough to tell him he'd lose you if he doesn't start to work harder. You shouldn't have to come right out and spell it out for him. If/when you get to the point where you've had enough and he's still not getting it, that is when your decision is obvious to leave him.

If it takes threatening to end the relationship for him to put in the effort, then maybe he didn't deserve you in the first place. Don't get me wrong, sometimes it does take seeing what you could lose to realize you need to shape up.... but you shouldn't have to do that in hopes of it waking him the heck up.

Good luck to you.