I've made a terrible mistake that has broken her trust.

[MichelG]

Greetings all,

I am writing this post in the hopes that someone out there can talk me through what is a very difficult situation to me. I am a Canadian citizen, 31 years of age, and I have been in a long distance relationship with a woman from Bolivia. Things progressed to the point where I wanted to discuss her moving here to be with me. Originally, she was afraid. Afraid that once we started that conversation, we would realise how difficult it would be, how long it would take, and it would ruin things. So I had taken it upon myself to do the research on the process while she worked up the courage to have this conversation with me. Originally, I was unsure which would be the best way to get her into the country, particularly because we had not even discussed how she would want to go about it, so I looked into everything. Study visas, work permits, skilled worker programs, how to apply for medical residency (she is a doctor), immigration, everything. I inundated myself with information. Recently, we finally had the conversation. She informed me that she had a medical diploma which would allow her to apply to practise in Canada, and that she only needed to take a few exams to validate it here. This made the process much easier. I knew that to apply to immigrate from her country, she would need a language proficiency test, and I was absolutely, 100% certain that TOEFL was the proper certificate. I have an excellent memory for details and it turns out I relied on it too much. Instead of going back to recheck the basic details, I got so caught up in excitedly finding out requirements, dates, times, fees and everything else for her validation exams, and encouraging her to sign up for her language test...Tonight she informed me that TOEFL is not acceptable for immigration purposes, and she is correct. Although TOEFL is acceptable for study and work permits, it is not accepted for immigration. I don't know why I was so certain, I really have no good reason for what happened. None at all. I misremembered a ridiculously important fact. The first step in the process. Now she believes I lied to her about my research, she feels like I never really cared about getting her here and making a future with her. She feels betrayed, broken-hearted, and I think she may actually feel hate for me. I do not know what to do. I cannot deny my mistake, even if it is not the mistake she thinks I made. She doesn't want me in her life, but that isn't the biggest issue. Even if she leaves me, I don't want her to be broken. I don't want to ruin her future ability to trust. I don't want her to be in so much pain. I'd really appreciate some guidance here because I am at a loss. If there is a way to save this relationship, I will do ANYTHING to accomplish that. If I have no choice but to move on, I'd like to at least do it in a way in which I can offer her some healing. Please help.

Thank you.

[Mech Mushroom]

Honestly, you seem like a really nice guy and your intentions were the best they possibly could have been. It's one of the hardest things in a long distance relationship, being misunderstood. Even if you Skype or something, it's hard to get the facial expressions that show the true intentions and meanings behind words, and if you're just texting or Facebooking, it's much MUCH worse, so even more props for handling a long distance relationship for what seems like a decent period of time. It's clear to me that you really care for this girl, and that is something you don't find as much these days.

Being another guy, I can't quite give advice on what to tell a girl, however from my own experience, the best possible thing for you to do is hand write a letter (hopefully that's possible to send to Bolivia, my experience I had to have it delivered through friends because they don't have a mailing system in the country my girl was from) explaining the whole situation from your point of view, thoroughly explaining your thought process behind it all and the emotions and feelings you had before, during, and after the whole incident. At the end of your "story", I would explain what you personally want to happen, but tell her you completely understand if she throws away the paper. I would tell her of all the things you DON'T want to happen (that would probably be the effects that have impacted her because of the situation i.e. not trusting another guy just because of this one situation). Judging from her misunderstanding of your intentions, it seems to me that she is a very sentimental and perhaps on the more emotional side (those types of woman are tricky but can easily be some of the best woman out there haha) and she would take this letter seriously and, hopefully, take what you said seriously and consider thinking about it from your point of view and listening to more of what you have to say.

Again, this is from my own experience, so don't say anything you don't mean and be completely truthful. Trust is in truth. I'm sure she needs time to cool down, but by the time she gets the letter, I'd imagine that'd be plenty of time. Don't approach her too much about what happened because that will only remind her of how she felt before. What she needs to do is work it out herself and perhaps with some of her close friends, which I'm sure she's already done a bit. If you dated her for so long, I bet she knows how much you care for her deep down and will come to realize it by the end.

If you don't agree with anything I said, that's completely fine and you don't have to do any of it, I was just kind of throwing out what I would do in your situation.
Best of luck, my friend, I really hope things turn out wellf for you!

[bibhudatta]

I can understand your feeling.
This love always break Everyone
You or anyone can never understand this
I have a story over it if you want you can read it
this is To all those who believe in love and hope. It leaves a smile on your face.
https://storymirror.com/story/57135a3a2086f7c96f6a243a

[melancholia]

It doesn't sound like that big of a deal to be honest. I understand the distance between you can place more pressure on negativity than it normally would, but honestly, can't she just find out which test she can take? So what if she signed up for a class and it's not valid. She can sign up for another one, and figure out other ways to make a permanent move here. She can also apply for a PR status (permanent residence), which doesn't make you an official citizen, but does enable you to work and receive free health care. I think you two would benefit from speaking to an immigration lawyer. Relying on your own research isn't enough to make a proper move such as this, as there are lots of misinformation and mixed messages if you are researching online. Speak to an immigration lawyer and find out what their advice would be on which process will be best for her to move. Then, present that information to her and remind her that you love her, and that even though you make mistakes sometimes, it doesn't invalidate your feelings for her.