Im about to walk out on my family and i feel so guilty

[imalostcause]

So, the thread title says it all really. I'll give an overview of our relationship and my feelings below, please make comments.

My writing skills arent great so this may be a bit all over the place so bear with me.

The facts- I'm married for 4 years, ive been with my wife for 12 years, we have 2 kids aged 4 and 7. My wife is 6 years older than me. We had a great relationship until we had our 1st child. She suffered from anxiety after this, we slept in separate rooms for 2 years and by the time we had our 2nd child she no longer had anxiety. Our relationship has never been what it was like since before we had kids, and obviously i realise kids change everything. We didnt plan either of our children although we were both happy when we find out she was pregnant. Our sex life is infrequent, and this has always been a problem for me. We have spoke to counsellors for a couple of sessions a few years ago about our relationship, it didnt make any difference. Financially we are sound, we have a nice house and can both do things we want and we have our holidays etc etc.

We get along fine in general, dont really argue much at all, she is a brilliant mum, she does everything for me and she gives me the freedom to do the things i like doing. She really is perfect for someone, but not for me. I feel like we just live together and raise children, we dont really have a realtionship ourselves. I feel we've grown apart and i am no longer in love with her, she isnt the person i fell in love with and hasnt been since we had kids. We used to have fun together all the time but we havent in years. We do have the odd night out together which is always fine. Me and the kids are her world and thats what she lives for, i think she is happy enough with the relationship and her life though im sure she would like me to do more around the house.

And this is where me being a bastard comes in, and i do feel awful about it, i wish i wasnt like this but i cant help it.

I love my children very much, this goes without saying. However, i dont feel cut out for this life, Im married to someone i dont want to be with, i find the kids hard work and a lot of it feels like a chore. I work a 9-5 type of job that pays well, has its stresses but probably no worse than anyone else, but once i get home from work i find myself watching the clock till the kids bedtime. Me and the other half always spend our evenings in different rooms and generally go to bed at different times. We both do our own thing out of the house a couple of times per week as well which we are both happy with. I have to stress here, I have tried a lot in the last 7 years to make these things right, but i have given up now, and probably have a couple of years ago regarding the relationship. I just cant be bothered. I feel like im just plodding along in life.

And this is where it gets worse.

I've never cheated nor had an affair. However about 6 months ago i found myself falling for a girl at work. She pretty much reminds me of everything my wife was before we got married, this girl is 2 years younger than me and in a relationship. Although i was falling for her there was never any flirting between us, we just click really well and she didnt know how i felt until saturday night past when i told her on a work night out. She had said she never thought of me like that as i was married but we have been texting constantly since and it looks like something could really happy there. She isnt happy in her relationship, we both know we'd get on like a house on fire and id love to give it a go. She is keen to but does not want to be a 'homewrecker'. Which to me she isnt being, as my i feel like my relationship is done.

I feel absolutely awful about what is happening here, my wife does not deserve to have her heart broken, she is such a good person and mother and shes good to me too. I'm just not happy and havent been for a long time. There is also the heartbreak for the children and that will be my fault obviously. I know it opens a massive can of worms and once done can never be reveresed.

I guess what i am wanting is input from people, telling me im a complete bastard, telling me you only live once and go for it, telling me whatever they think on the matter. I am going insane and i need to talk about this to someone.

[melancholia]

I'm not going to call you abusive names, or say you deserve anything bad to happen to you; but I will say that you need to deal with your marriage and your wife before you even entertain the idea of getting involved with someone else. This woman at work is merely a distraction for you, a means to an escape from the misery of your marriage. You can call it whatever you want, but all she is is a fantasy of what could be possible if you left your wife. Have you tried talking to your wife lately? Have you ever told her how unhappy you are in your marriage, and that you want out? I think you should. If you're ready to give up on your marriage and you are adamant that it can never be fixed, then it sounds like your only option is to separate and then get divorced. It's either that, or living a life of misery for the rest of your life, and nobody wants to endure that, nor should anyone have to.

It also sounds like you are suffering from some mild depression. I think it would serve you well to seek counseling for just yourself. That way, you can speak confidentially to a trained professional. who can help guide you through whatever decision you make about your marriage. I understand reluctance to seek counseling if you've tried it before and it didn't work for your marriage, but it could serve you well to try it for just yourself. You need to learn how to acknowledge your feelings, but also voice them as well. It sounds like you've spent a lot of time "sucking it up" and just trudging through the day-to-day without any enjoyment or excitement about your life. That sounds awful, and I think you need to start working toward fixing that for yourself. Whether that means you get a divorce from your wife, or you find some way to fix the damage and fall back in love with her, either way, you need to figure out what to do. The absolute last thing you should do, though, is seek a relationship outside of your marriage, at least not until you are legally separated (or better yet) officially divorced.

[TheEvilJester]

I couldn't possibly agree more with everything melancholia had to say here. The very first and most important thing is that you need to deal with your marriage before even thinking about a relationship with ANYBODY else, much less this gal that has you excited from your work. I know it likely feels real to you, but there is always the possibility that you are just excited because you think you see in her things that are missing in your current relationship. Getting with her could wind up feeling like a mistake if it turns out it wasn't really HER you wanted, but it just felt exciting to have somebody new. That would only serve to hurt her in the end.

IF it winds up that you two are meant to be, then it will happen. For now, you are still currently married. If you are unhappy in that marriage and that is unlikely to ever change, then you owe it to yourself to end it, and you also owe it to her and to the children. However, if you do think there is any possibility that all of this could be fixed, then it may be worth it at least to try. Right now, you've sort of concluded in your own mind that it can't be fixed without even really cluing your wife in on the fact that there are even any problems in the first place.

If there is any hope of it being fixed, then maybe that is what you try to do first, and see how that goes. You can still keep the option open of it just not working out, but at least give it the effort first. On the other hand, if you are sure there is no hope of it being fixed, then you really need to end things. You say you don't want to break her heart, and that shows to me that you are a caring person. However, don't you think it would break her heart so much more living her life with somebody who doesn't really want to be with her, rather than the temporary heart break of the relationship ending? No matter how much you try to hide it, you can't hide your unhappiness forever in a situation like that and it will just wind up making her miserable too.

It is also great that you don't want to hurt the kids. Again, a very noble consideration to have. However, the children would be so much happier with two happy parents who are apart rather than with two miserable parents who are still together. If you cannot/will not be happy in this marriage, even the kids would be much better off without you two being stuck together.

As far as the kids, you were equally involved as her in their creation in this world. So, you have an obligation to be an adult and be their father. That doesn't have to mean you stay married to their mother. It just means you have to be their father. You don't get to just decide now that you don't want kids. It is a little too late to decide that. All that said, maybe a huge part of why you have started feeling like you are not cut out to be a father is merely just because of how miserable you are in your current situation. In a way, the kids are like an extension of your unhappy marriage, so you could subconsciously be seeing them as keeping you even further trapped in an unhappy relationship. All the more reason NOT to stay in an unhappy relationship simply because you think you are doing the right thing for your kids.

Bottom line, though, don't you think you deserve to be happy? If you can possibly be happy again with your wife, then you deserve the chance and she deserves the chance to see if things can be fixed. If you can't be happy with your wife, then don't you deserve the chance to try again? .....But by the same token.... doesn't SHE also deserve to be happy? How can she ever be happy if she is trapped in a relationship with somebody who doesn't actually love her anymore?

So, again, your best course of action is to deal with your marriage first in whatever way winds up feeling like the right decision. Only AFTER that should you entertain the idea of any other relationship(s). Heck, you may even want/need some time just to heal first before jumping back into the dating pool. But, certainly DO NOT do so while still married. Good luck. I hope you figure out what is best in your situation, and I hope it goes well for all parties involved.