Cheating, HIV and Rejection.

[lixintw]

So I am a gay male. I've been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. Starting this January (Whilst my boyfriend was serving compulsory military service) I started to suspect he was feeling differently about me - i wasn't really sure why, but there were signs such as not wanting sex as much as he used to, being distant and just a general difference in the way we spent time together. I started to suspect something was up. When i confronted him he said everything was fine and that i was thinking too much. One night when he was sleeping over i decided to check his phone and found he had a gay dating app called RECON which is basically a fetish dating app installed on his phone. I broke down instantly and woke him up from sleep; he started to comfort me and apologise.

We talked about it for a day or so (he had to go back to the army so he wasn't available to talk a lot) and he promised that it was just curiosity and he had never acted upon it. I believed him (at least that's what i told myself). Move on another few months and I am feeling constant anxiety, depression etc has i feel he doesn't love me and I'm not worthy etc etc. around early May we decided to have penatrative sex, something i don't usually do as I am not a big fan but i figured it was something he wanted. I was top, and i decided not to use a condom. A week later I showed symptoms to what i believed was gonorrhea. I went to see my doctor and had a discussion with my boyfriend to say... I hadn't slept with anyone else outside of our relationship so it seems strange that i could possibly have a STI, again he promised me he didn't cheat. Diagnose comes back - sure enough it was gonorrhea. At the time i got my test he got tested also (including a blood test).

One evening a week or so later, he calls me and says he want's to meet me after work. We meet up and he seems strange, after 5 minutes we stop in the street and he looks me in the eyes holding my hands and tells me he is HIV positive. My world fell apart.

The next few months were hard, real hard (I tested negative at 7 weeks, I have yet to do 12 week test). I said I would stay with him and support him, but after 3 months it was too much, I said we need a break. After a week break i said we should break up. Fast forward two weeks, i miss him occasionally but in general I'm doing okay. We are still texting at this time and i notice he is distant which is hard to deal with, I call him and he says that he is angry, feels like i have abandoned him because of his HIV and that he had been mentally preparing for month knowing that my leaving him was inevitable thus the reason why he didn't really feel sad about the whole thing. I was heart broken that he could think of me in this way, and i regretted my decision.

I basically begged him to take me back, and he said that he wasn't sure because these last few weeks he felt independent and that he could do whatever he liked. I cried a lot, and he cried too - but ultimatly he said we couldn't be together again. We say our goodbyes and I go home. An hour later he calls my friend (who was at my house) and asks how I am, she tells him I am sad and he goes on to tell her what he had just said to me. 10 minutes later he calls, and tells me we can give it another chance.

That was 4 weeks ago and we have gone straight back in to our relationship and everything seems normal. But i still have those feelings that things are different. He is still secretive (putting passwrods on his messaging accounts) he went out with a friend and was obvious in not telling me who it was and just strange in general. Don't get me wrong, he is loving (in his way) and i know he cares about me and loves me but I am still finding it hard to trust him and part of that is it's very hard to share openly with him.

What am I doing? I am a direct manager at a company overseas for over 60 people, every day i deal with leadership and making decisions but this anxiety (constantly waiting for his texts, waiting to see him and spend time with him looking for his ove seeking reassurance) is causing me to be depressed and affecting both my work and personal life.

Just want people to give me their opinions, am I crazy?

[melancholia]

You are not crazy. Everything you are feeling is completely valid and normal. I am sorry to hear you tested positive for gonorrhea. That is not an easy thing to deal with as it is scary for anyone. However, it is curable and extremely common. That doesn't make it any less stressful, but it does make it much easier to deal with. Not only is it very common, but many people do not show any symptoms of it and don't know they have it until they test positive for it. It can lie dormant in the body for weeks, months, even years without the infected person knowing they have it. So unless you were both tested after the last person you were sexually active with, there's no way to know for sure where it came from; and it doesn't mean that he cheated on you.

I am so thankful, and I am sure you are too, that you tested negative for HIV. That must be an extremely difficult and scary thing for your BF to be going through. I can completely understand your reservations in wanting to stay with him, as it's not only the diagnosis that was an issue for you, but there were other underlying issues that had not been resolved. It's OK to be scared to find out your partner (whom you had unprotected sex with) has tested positive for a life-changing, incurable disease. It is a scary thing, and it's important to acknowledge those feelings and understand that they are normal and valid. It might help you feel better about things if you both do some research on it. I am not sure what your knowledge is of HIV and other STDs, but the more you learn about it, the easier it might be to deal with. You must, absolutely MUST always wear a condom when having sex with someone. You can contract STIs/STDs from oral sex as well, I am not sure if you are aware of that or not.

I think that if you are going to get back together with your BF, you need to let some of your jealousy and distrust of him go. You can't expect to progress if you are constantly feeling anxiety about what he is doing/whom he is with. It's exhausting and will cause a detriment to your relationship if you cannot let it go. I am not one to give anyone the benefit of the doubt. I let people prove they are worthy of being in my life by the combination of what they say, along with actions congruent to their words. You need to learn to trust your boyfriend unless you are given a reason not to. I would say you were given a reason to distrust him when you found out he had the dating app, but when you confronted him, how did you feel about his reaction? You say you believed him, but it doesn't sound like you actually did. Do you believe that he is honest with you and that he hasn't acted on his curiosity? Has he deleted his profiles and these apps? I am not saying that all of this is up to you to change things, it's a two-way street and your BF has to meet you in the middle. He cannot get away with disrespecting you and your relationship by continuing to be involved in something that makes you uncomfortable. You clearly expressed how you felt about it, and he should have stopped what he was doing and deleted it at that very moment you articulated that.

He is going to have to work with you to make this relationship better. Just because he is facing an emotionally and mentally difficult situation with his diagnosis does not mean that he can check out of the relationship. He needs to make just as much of an effort to improve your relationship as you do.

Hopefully you two can make things work, I am sure the distance makes it much more difficult; but you can do it. People make it work all the time. If you do come to the point where you just cannot see it working out, know that there is no shame in walking away from something you know cannot be fixed. If you've tried your best to make it work and it still isn't what you want, or need, then sometimes it's best to bow out and move on. There are plenty of people out there whom you can be happy with, there isn't just one!

Best of luck to you! Sending you lots of positive vibes and thoughts!