Confused, lovesick & brokenhearted

[Broken.Hearted]

I need some advice... both women and men are welcome to post, because omg I'm at a loss. I'm being overwhelmed with feelings and I need some guidance.
I guess I'll start at the beginning.....

5 yrs ago, I met this guy online and we hooked up for a few months. I didn't know what I wanted at the time and so nothing really came of this fling with ... Let's call him George.
George never showed any indication that he wanted to be anything more than "friends with benefits" and so I assumed it didn't go much deeper than that.

About 6 months after we met, he moved to another country, and we lost touch but got back in touch later on.
3 yrs later, George came back for a visit and came to see me. We hung out (no sex) and it was fabulous. He didn't talk much about what he'd been doing outside of school and work over there. When he flew back to ... let's say it was Germany ... we promised to keep in touch.

A year later, he moved back, and he immediately looked me up and we got together. Afterwards, he told me he has a girlfriend back in Germany and he felt awful for cheating on her. Naturally, I was shocked, but eventually we got together again and it started becoming a regular thing. By this time it was about November and I found out via social media that he'd become engaged to said girlfriend in Germany! Once again.. shocked. We stopped seeing each other for a while and in December he got married in Germany because Canada wouldn't let her immigrate any other way. He returned a week later, now a married man, and after a month or two, things went back to how they were before. We started sleeping together again.

Now here's where new complications arise...
About a month ago I realized I was falling in love with the man. Apparently everyone else knew before I did, but that's beside the point (I'm obviously transparent I guess).
It took me three weeks to muster up the courage to tell him how I felt (sorta) ... I chickened out and changed "love" to "really like". Thinking I would just get it off my chest and be done with it, I could NOT have been more wrong. Turns out, he feels the same way. We've always been close and he's also my best friend and I'm his but he's MARRIED.
We talked for a couple of hours and he concluded with "I made a promise to love someone forever and I can't really make that promise twice. I need to stand by it." Ouch. Now that hurt. But I understood and tried to move on. Went on a couple dates with other men but no one ever came close to this man who stole my heart.

Tonight, we went out for dinner and spent a few hours out in the parking lot afterwards, just talking. The man is so easy to talk to, it's unbelievable. So after some casual conversation, he tells me he has some news: his wife is moving to Canada in TWO WEEKS!! Now, keep in mind, a man in love would likely be ecstatic to see his beloved again after a one year hiatus. Not this man. He seemed almost sulky. I said to him he must be thrilled and he responded "I'm trying to be happy about it." I was (again) shocked at his answer. He explained he was trying to be happy but he was stressed and confused and a little torn that she was coming this quickly. Said he didn't feel the same way about her anymore as he did when he married her. I told him I hoped it had nothing to do with me and he said it had everything to do with me and what I'd told him 2 wks ago.
I found out that the man actually loves me and then he goes and says "You know I'd marry you if I could". REALLY?!? What am I supposed to say to that?! What did he expect would come of that revelation?!
The whole time, he held me tight and kissed my forehead or my hair and he would lay his head against mine.

The conversation eventually turned back to casual small talk and before we parted ways, he kissed me and said he wanted to see me next weekend.

I don't know what I'm supposed to do now?!? My heart definitely belongs to him and I don't think I can date someone else while I still love George. His wife (obviously) doesn't know what he's been up to in her absence but I would hate to be the one who broke up their marriage. If it comes from him, fine, but I'm not going to be the one to tell her and risk him being hurt in the process. I want to see him happy but he tells me he's not happy to know she's coming to live with him again (they lived together for 2 yrs .. which is as long as they have known each other prior to marriage) in Germany. He says he doesn't want to see me bummed out but that ship sailed long ago. Now he's talking of moving to another province and I don't think I could handle him leaving again. I lost him once 5 yrs ago, then I lost him (in a different way) when he got married and if he moved away again, it'll crush me.

I don't know what to do with this newfound information. He doesn't know I'm in love with him but I feel like it wouldn't change the outcome of all this. HELP!!!
If anyone has some insight to offer, male or female, positive or negative, please share. My heart just needs some guidance.

[HindsightUK]

Hi

I'm going to play Devil's Advocate, as I think we all need an objective opinion from time-to-time from someone completely impartial as friends and family have good intentions but they are naturally influenced.
I've had experience in extra marital affairs, and I can hopefully give you an insight from the guy's perspective and also a non-biased one.

So firstly, he holds all the cards, whether he's fully aware of it or not and he's leading two women on. He chose to commit and chose to marry, so he must have or had feelings for his wife. I found cheating very exciting, flattering and a break from the routine of daily married life (I appreciate his wife lives abroad), which when I look back was good too really. I thought I was in love but later found it was infatuation. I became hooked on the attention and positivitey I was receiving from the other woman, I looked forward to seeing her next above anything else, and this clouded my judgement. The feelings I felt were not real, but to be fair it took me a long time to realise that. Personally I would find it much harder to live a lie than to break up with someone, and he has the advantage of her living in another country. So what I'm asking you is, do you think he really knows his own feelings? If he loves and wants to marry you surely he needs to act now before she emigrates right? And is this a man you could trust if he was solely yours? Whether it was intentional or not, he has allowed the situation to develop.

Secondly, do you feel you've spent enough time with him to truly know him inside and out? Could you live with him for example, go shopping, do the boring stuff when the excitement fades? And what has changed in his marriage? Maybe he got bored, and maybe he's the kind of guy that gets bored easily.
If I were in your position I'd be asking for 100% commitment and nothing less, and soon too. The nuclear fall out from a marriage breakup is a living nightmare and if she's abroad it'll help (two weeks may be a tight though).
Telling him you love him won't change anything if he's already said that to you, I agree.

If he can't give you this commitment then ending it now will hurt like hell, but much less than doing it later on. In my experience, our heads know the exact right thing to do but our hearts conveniently block it!

Now for the twist, ..... there is however a very real chance he's your Soulmate and you are a prefect match, and bad timing and living somewhere new and being alone led him to marry the wrong woman, it happens.
And in this instance it may be worth persevering, because you love him and it could be amazing! But... he must make the changes and make the commitment, it must come from him, as you are single and he is married.

Either way, I think you need to give it a time limit, otherwise another five years will pass........

Hope this helps? This is my first forum post ever and your situation stood out so I had to give my opinion!

[Broken.Hearted]

So firstly, he holds all the cards, whether he's fully aware of it or not and he's leading two women on. He chose to commit and chose to marry, so he must have or had feelings for his wife. I found cheating very exciting, flattering and a break from the routine of daily married life (I appreciate his wife lives abroad), which when I look back was good too really.

I see what you mean. Although with his wife living abroad, there's not much "daily married life" going on, in this case. But yes, if he chose to marry her, he must have had feelings for her. Whether those feelings are still there or not, I can't say. Wish I could read minds.... lol....

I thought I was in love but later found it was infatuation. I became hooked on the attention and positivitey I was receiving from the other woman, I looked forward to seeing her next above anything else, and this clouded my judgement. The feelings I felt were not real, but to be fair it took me a long time to realise that. Personally I would find it much harder to live a lie than to break up with someone, and he has the advantage of her living in another country. So what I'm asking you is, do you think he really knows his own feelings? If he loves and wants to marry you surely he needs to act now before she emigrates right? And is this a man you could trust if he was solely yours? Whether it was intentional or not, he has allowed the situation to develop.

I wish I knew how to answer your question... To be honest, I have no idea if he truly knows his own feelings. I can only speculate one way or another. Granted, it hasn't all been romantic every time we saw each other. There were several times where we just hung out because we enjoyed each others' company, no romance involved. Whether that means anything or not, I have no idea. Doesn't necessary mean that his feelings are real; it could still just be the friendship surfacing, right?
I know if he was with me, I could trust him to be faithful. I do not believe in the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater". You are quite right, though. He has allowed the situation to develop and he was obviously starting to feel something for me somewhere along the way and still chose to say nothing.

Secondly, do you feel you've spent enough time with him to truly know him inside and out? Could you live with him for example, go shopping, do the boring stuff when the excitement fades? And what has changed in his marriage? Maybe he got bored, and maybe he's the kind of guy that gets bored easily.
If I were in your position I'd be asking for 100% commitment and nothing less, and soon too. The nuclear fall out from a marriage breakup is a living nightmare and if she's abroad it'll help (two weeks may be a tight though).
Telling him you love him won't change anything if he's already said that to you, I agree.

I know him better than anyone else, I'm certain. Despite the distance for several years, we still continued to become closer friends and learn more and more about one another. We've already done a bunch of the boring stuff together and I'd be absolutely thrilled to do that with him as my boyfriend/fiancé/husband (if I were lucky enough that it would get to that point). Is it fair to ask 100% commitment from him at this time? I'm a little afraid to put my expectations out there but I do kind of feel like I should. He needs to know, right?

Now for the twist, ..... there is however a very real chance he's your Soulmate and you are a prefect match, and bad timing and living somewhere new and being alone led him to marry the wrong woman, it happens.
And in this instance it may be worth persevering, because you love him and it could be amazing! But... he must make the changes and make the commitment, it must come from him, as you are single and he is married.

Should I confront him with this? Ask him to make a choice prior to her arriving? or let her emigrate and let him choose for himself after he spends time with her once again? I don't want to seem like I'm giving him an ultimatum but I can't keep taking a backseat and be pushed to the side as the "just in case it doesn't work out" backup. If there's any chance we could be soulmates and end up together, I don't want to let that chance slip away, never knowing, all because he made an impulse decision and married the wrong woman.

The last thing I want is for another five years to pass before he realizes he made yet another mistake. Perhaps mentioning this when speaking to him may help him realize how much time has already passed and how time is now of the essence?

Thank you for your reply; it's really helped to calm me a little... We have agreed to meet for a talk in a few days once we've both had some time to process what was said yesterday. He needs to take some time to think before he makes another impulsive decision he may later regret.
I appreciate your point of view as a man that has had personal experience in extra marital affairs, let alone from someone of a completely fresh point of view and non-biased.

[HindsightUK]

Mind reading aside.....

Well you sound very confident that you know your own feelings and trust them which is good, and trust him also. I mentioned timing with regards to him telling his wife as its so easy to forget her feelings in all this and also how he will react when he sees her heartbroken.

I agree that people don't always become serial cheaters, and the old cliche that if they were with the right person to begin with and happy in their relationship then they wouldn't have strayed in the first place.

So in a nutshell, I think you should absolutely lay your cards on the table and tell him how you feel. I'm sure he already knows though! and although you are not an item officially, it's not exactly early days is it? So to ask for commitment is not unreasonable as he's kept you hanging on really hasn't he? Whilst he 'held all the cards'.
Also, for him to begin a new relationship with you quite soon is probably the most natural thing as he doesn't spend much time with his wife anyway, and we can assume you are closer to him than she is. You can take things at a slow pace anyway, or try to lol.

From what you've told me it doesn't sound like anything will change unless you have the aforementioned conversation with him, and he'll continue the affair with the only difference being that his wife is in the same country. And as exciting as it's been seeing him over the past few months and years I bet you've felt miserable and low most of the time when he's been absent, and to continue feeling like that isn't fair on you and and prevents you leading a full and complete life.

Hope this helps a bit more.