Dude playing games, ghosting-or both?

[Nikki77]

So this dude I met on Tinder that I liked and was dating disappeared for a week. He bails for Labor Day weekend and we text that Labor Day Saturday. I make a promise not to contact him after that, and he appears a week later on Friday night with a text asking how I am doing. No apology... I was really upset. I don't respond until that Sunday. I respond saying I am fine and to mess with him send him a pic of the cool hotel I was at with friends. He asks a question and says "how nice" the venue is. I get annoyed that he has not mentioned any future plans and do not respond back. Am not looking for a text buddy. Have not heard from him since. Any thoughts?

[Magnitude]

To me, it sounds like a little of both. If he was so quick to disappear and react that way, it sounds, at least to me, like he had his fun and that was it. He could have an actual legitimate excuse, but it sounds more like he played around and was moved on. I've been with people who do this. The best thing you can do is try not to let yourself be consumed by him and revolve around him. If he wants to stop playing games and talk to you again, not just as a texting buddy, then that's the ball in his court. Not yours.

[Nikki77]

Yes, I am not stupid. I think he was with someone LDay weekend. Yes, we are not exclusive, but you can't disappear for a week and text as if nothing! Not into playing games, but I will not return his lame text about how "nice" the venue I was at with my friends. I was very clear from day one that I was not into casual dating. Ball is definitely in his court!

[melancholia]

He's not interested. Stop playing games and move on.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I don't even think any more needs to be said. Could we be wrong? Sure, we could. But, you tried and he couldn't seem to be bothered to return your interest. So, stop wasting your time on him. If he wants to reach out to you, that is his job now. If he does, maybe you reconsider... but to be honest I don't think I still would at that point if I were you. Sure, if you two aren't exclusive he is perfectly within his rights to date other people (if that is what he's doing), but if he has any intention of continuing to date you and see how that goes, there needs to actually be some effort to do just that.

Don't waste your time on somebody who seems like they can't be bothered to waste their time on you. Good luck.

[Nikki77]

Thank you! Yes, he obviously is busy dating others, which he can do. However, don't string me along (ghost) and come back with your tail between your legs and expect to pick up where we left off. That's Tinder for you! Will never date anyone on that app. Learned my lesson. Now to focus on someone who deserves me!

[breathe123]

If he was already pissing you off so early on take that as a clue not to continue on same goes for future guys. If someone is int you they ALWAYS make time for you and ask about you, or apologize if they feel they slighted you. He probably has a lot of women he is juggling & might be why his replies were so sparse and then he disappeared. Good to do what you said in last sentence above " find someone else".

[TheEvilJester]

Thank you! Yes, he obviously is busy dating others, which he can do. However, don't string me along (ghost) and come back with your tail between your legs and expect to pick up where we left off.

Exactly. If you two are not yet exclusive, then he would not be wrong to date other women.... but you are NOT somebody consolation prize. It's not okay for him to just ignore you and string you along as a sort of back-up plan in case he doesn't hit it off with anybody else. If he's dating you (even if he's also dating other women currently) he needs to make some time for you. Sure, it isn't necessarily like he has to be available at an instant... but he can't just check out entirely and then think he can just come back again later like nothing happened.

You've got the right attitude at this point. Move on and find somebody who deserves you... because this fella obviously does not.

[Nikki77]

Thank you EJ again! Yes, I am no consolation prize! My friends and I do agree on one thing-dude is a fool for treating me like chopped liver. It amazes me how men, and women too, can treat potential mates like this and think it's ok?! Keep you posted if I hear from this fool again.

[pcmaster]

WOw you guys I harsh. I been in this situation too when wanted to meet girl but couldnt because of work and it didnt mean I wasnt interested. But yeah she didnt gave me chance afterwards. We were chatting for more than a year at the time but it was her who didnt wanted to go extra mile to meet and yeah she now have a BF. It wasnt like I was dating others or what so it surprises me that you automaticaly think guy is dating others and keeps her as a backup plan.

[Nikki77]

PCmaster, I am very forgiving and tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. However, a text takes mere minutes to compose and send. Unless he was in a coma-he could have sent a simple text. End of story. He lost out on a great catch. If you ever find yourself in a similar situation, text/call the girl you like!

[pcmaster]

Nah too lazy to text.

[TheEvilJester]

WOw you guys I harsh. I been in this situation too when wanted to meet girl but couldnt because of work and it didnt mean I wasnt interested. But yeah she didnt gave me chance afterwards. We were chatting for more than a year at the time but it was her who didnt wanted to go extra mile to meet and yeah she now have a BF. It wasnt like I was dating others or what so it surprises me that you automaticaly think guy is dating others and keeps her as a backup plan.

I mean, just to be fair.... did you remain in contact with her anyway, but you were just busy with work? Because, there is a big difference between staying in contact with somebody and making it clear that you are interested but are just busy.... and just flat out ignoring them like they don't exist.

If you don't put in any effort, how can you expect somebody to think you have any sincere interest? They aren't going to just take you at your word and allow you to keep stringing them along. I could be wrong, but I am assuming you meant that you didn't make an effort to actually go out on dates with her because you were too busy, but that you did at least remain in contact and let her know that. If so, that is a big difference.

Even so, though, to some degree you'd have to understand that ceasing to work for her. Whether or not the person's intentions are noble, you can't date somebody who doesn't have the time to date you. Whether it is because they aren't willing, or actually just aren't able, it doesn't change the fact that you can't just wait around for somebody forever. Without an effort from both sides, it is unlikely to work.

[pcmaster]

[MENTION=71386]TheEvilJester[/MENTION] I remainded with her in contact afterwards too - messaged her everday. But shes a sick bitch who dont give guys second chances.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, then that is a little different, I think anyway, from Nikki's situation. From what she's shared, I got the impression this guy basically disappears on her for periods of time and then just drops back in like no time has passed. He's not really putting any effort in, whereas it sounds like you were sincerely just too busy... but you at least put in genuine effort to still talk to her and show that you were interested.

Now, I don't know much about your specific situation, but I am sure even if you really did have the best of intentions, she may have just been looking for somebody who could offer her more time. I could understand that. Even if you did mean best and did sincerely want to date her, but just didn't have time, after a while somebody is only going to try for so long before they move on. Don't get me wrong, I most definitely understand how you feel. She could have at least given you a chance if you are a little less busy now and able to offer more time. But, if she's not willing to do so, I say just move on. Personally, my general rule of thumb is if somebody doesn't see the value in me (no matter if we are talking about a friend or a romantic interest) then that is THEIR loss, not mine. So, no sweat... I'll move on and find somebody who will value me.