Ok this might be alittle long but I am just gonna spill it all out there so everyone can see the whole story. . .Well my fiance use to be obsessed with talking to other women online sexually I'm still not sure whether it was to boost his ego or what but eventually it stopped due to one big blow out of him telling me he physically cheated on me before and when I was pregnant with our son which most of these happened a year ago so we decided to work on things and move have a "fresh start" away from all that happened the only part of it was it was closer to his family which put him in the stomping grounds of when he was younger and had sex quite a bit with random girls so about this I was very hesitant of moving here. However we went ahead and moved here because of the positive benefits it would have on our 3 children.
Come to mind you I use to be a very strong, independent woman who took care of business and had more confidence then I knew what to do with but then he wanted to try out his fantasy and who I am as a person I ALWAYS make sure my loved ones are happy especially the man I am in love with I agreed to it thinking it was just a one time thing that had me fooled because the first time was AWFUL for both of us so we agreed to try again it wasn't so bad I guess you can say I enjoyed myself so it kept on going the fantasy that is and in this time instead of bringing us closer like we always talked and I thought it started messing with my self confidence, worth, I started then comparing myself to all these other women of the couples we were doing things with because he just kept wanting more with different couples do things to and with the women that we had never done would have sex with them for ALOT longer than me at home, granted I understand it was new and I'm the old but when you're in love you are suppose to have that sexual bond right? So when we would argue I would bring something about those times up and I know that wasn't a good idea but I am always trying to get him to see my side of things as well which he looks over most of the time but those days had been put behind us finally for months he hadn't talked to women or brought up the "fantasy" and started watching porn quite a bit more which doesn't bother me at all or didn't until it started becoming what he was paying attention to during the time I would do oral and he would just keep the computer between us. How should I deal with that or should I just get over it because it honestly doesn't bother me that much anymore?
Now here comes the kicker bringing back up when he would talk to women he was working at this pretty good job providing for us like a man should when I started noticing little things about him and finally this is bad but I put a spyware on the computer because my gut was just telling me it was a situation like in my hometown I watched and watched nothing was popping up except a few msgs on FB to some random chicks wasn't really a concern until one night while he is at work I check it and there is a new app on there for texting come to find out he was msging girls from work but one specifically that he was talking about me to in not the best of manner then after i confronted him about this he quit that job because he even realized how out of hand things were getting between him and her and deleted the app started on the path he started before working there. Found another job this time at a hotel he worked 3rds so it was dead all through the night and started noticing little things again when he first started there he was always calling and msging me but after a month everything started to fall through but he always told me nothing was going on he just got busier so I just left it at that until literally last night I logged into his texting app the same one he deleted and found msgs between him and this one girl that really has me thinking so my crazy self not to mention hormonal because once again I'm pregnant, woke him up last night just asking about this ride home she supposedly given him and he goes ballistic on me i understand why because it was at 1 in the morning and with his job he has not he wakes up at 6am then he just kept bringing up how it was months ago they even talked and yes that was true but ever since the cheating we told either other no more lies but it didn't work out that way now he knew I had known the password and had access to it but the crazy thing was that I had been on it multiple times before and the msgs were NEVER there but just so happens last night I got to read months of sexual things between them to him wanting her to come up to the hotel where he worked at the time to her telling him she wanted a baby by him but he says nothing ever came of it and never was it was just him talking but idk what to believe anymore because all his lying and cheating from before has got me all messed up. He used a password generator on all his emails and texting app because the msgs was from a few months ago July was the last time they talked except for him msging her when he activated his app again last month but her bf msged and went off on him for msging her.
I just need to know what's going on inside his head from a mans perspective, we have been together for 3 yrs which is literally his longest relationship EVER! Now he has 2 biological children by me and 2 step children, he is a amazing father and fiance when he isn't letting lust for other women control him I feel that he has literally made me a crazy woman, doing all these things, making me feel as if I'm not good enough for anyone anymore. . .he does reassure me every now and again that I'm everything he wants and needs in a woman but it never truly leaves my mind if he is sincere about it or not though and it breaks me in half because him and our children are my entire world I strive to make him happy and the kids. Please any advice would be appreciated and sorry it's so long!