What should I do?

[confused352463]

I dont know exactly where or how to start. I met this guy in online gaming. I will name him John. Our characters were married and thats how we became friends. We have been playing for a long while now and it was on 2015 that we became really close. Soon, we started txting/calling each other daily on our cellphones and have video calls on skype. We both live in different cities. He lives an hour away by plane from my city. Thats when i started to really like him. He was also throwing hints that he was starting to like me too. But the thing is, he has a girlfriend. We had talked about our mutual feelings and we decided not to act on it, and we didnt communicate for around 2mons. When he contacted me again on Oct. 2015, we decided to remain only friends and resist each other.

On December last year, me and my brother/his gf went to tour his city. Thats when John and I first met. He acted like our tourguide during the duration of my time there. He stayed at my hotel room and yes something did happen between us. I knew he was still in a relationship but that didnt stop both of us. He told me he love me and we continued communicating even after I went home.

March of this year, his gf (ill name her Jane) found out about us. I told her everything she wanted to know. She told me John was only using me and that he doesnt love me. And the whole time, I didnt hear anything from John. So there was me, heartbroken thinking John would go to hell. The only person who was in contact with me was John's father who was trying to assure me and comfort me. He said Jane is watching him and she took John's phone so he couldnt contact me and told me to wait until we could talk.

After a month or so, and after his college graduation, he went home to his hometown and did contacted me. He said sorry for everything Jane had said, and that its not true that he only used me. He loves me but he loves her too. He said she knows now that he has feelings for me too.

We tried being friends again but its hard. August, we saw each other again. His gf of 7years thinks we are over but we're not. So far he's been honest with me about everything. His family seems to know about us too, esp his parents. I have tried to stay away but he says he doesnt wanna lose me and insists that he does love me. Everyday is getting harder because I am inlove with him. But I dont wanna be kept a secret anymore. I have tried to ask him and to choose but he says he doesnt know what to do and doesnt wanna hurt either of us.

[TheEvilJester]

I hope at least to some degree you understand that it was wrong in the first place to ever get involved with somebody who already has a girlfriend. The moment you knew he had a girlfriend was when you should have thought of him as nothing more than a friend. You knew he had a girlfriend, yet chose to allow him to stay with you at your hotel, and where then a willing participant in what happened.

Now, with all of that said I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt here. I imagine you never intended for something like this to happen. I am sure you never meant to get involved with somebody who was not single. I understand sometimes the heart can be a tricky master, and you sometimes find yourself wanting something/somebody you should not want. I'm sure we've all been there, not necessarily this exact scenario, but I'm sure everybody has experienced liking the wrong person.

So, believe me, I do not mean any judgment. However, the bottom line is he has a girlfriend. So, right now it would be wrong to continue any kind of relationship with him. It is also wrong on his part to be leading you on like this. Bottom line, he needs to decide if he wants to be with his current girlfriend or not, and that decision should have 0% to do with you. He shouldn't be deciding that he wants to leave her because he wants to be with you.... he should be deciding he wants to leave her because she is not right for him.

As it is right now, how are you supposed to be sure you can believe him? He could be a man true to his word who truly does love you and never intended to hurt you.... He could be a scumbag who is using you and has no intention of ever leaving his girlfriend for you, but will string you along for as long as you will let him. The unfortunate truth is that it will feel the same to you either way and cause you a lot of unneeded, undeserved pain and suffering.

I know this is probably not the advice you want to hear, but it is the only advice I am personally comfortable offering. Right now it would be best for you to leave him aside and let him deal with his current situation. It isn't fair of him to string you along like this, nor is it fair for him to do this to his current girlfriend either. Both of you deserve somebody who can commit to them and only them if that is what you want (and it sounds like that is what you both want). So, it isn't fair for him to expect EITHER of you to buy his "I love you both" bull crap.

So, personally my advice would be to tell him something like this (obviously, though, in your own words):

"I have really enjoyed our time together and would love if we could explore that more. But, I can't get in between somebody's relationship, and I'm also not okay being somebody's girl on the side. I know that isn't your intention at all, don't get me wrong, but that doesn't change the fact that you have a girlfriend. I am going to need some time alone. Meanwhile, please take that time to decide what you want. If you want to be with your girlfriend, then I wish you two the best. If you decide she is not right for you, that needs to be your decision, not based on me. If that happens and then you decide you might want to see if you and I truly have something, then reach out to me then, but not before you've decided on your own what she is/will be to you."

Maybe that isn't the approach you will want to take. I don't know. All I can say is I cannot personally suggest allowing yourself to continue to be caught in this situation. Not only is it wrong to get involved with somebody who is not single.... but how can you ever be sure he's not using you if nothing ever changes? He may say he's not, but if his actions don't match his words, how can you believe him? I don't know why his father is getting involved at all..... but bottom line is that's his father. What do you expect him to say? Of course he's going to back up his son. So, you can't necessarily take him at his word either.

If this fella decides his current gal is not right for him, he needs to decide that and let her go. Then, if he is still interested he can reach out to you. If you happen to still be single and interested, then great. I just wouldn't recommend you put your life on hold waiting around for him. If fate should decide to put you two together, then great. If not, then you'd be much better off looking for somebody else rather than getting your heart set on something that isn't meant to be.

Good luck to you either way.

[confused352463]

Thank you for your advice EvilJester.

I didnt mean for any of it to happen really. I was a virgin and he is my first. Would you believe it that I was actually planning on saving myself for marriage? I know that isnt how kids are and this generation today. I have had previous relationships before and have met other guys but i dont know why and how I fell hard for this guy in particular. This isnt the kind of relationship I want, believe me I know. It never was my intention to ruin their relationship. I know its wrong. I can only imagine what the girlfriend felt when she found out and I cant blame her. They have been together for 7years. If he really loves her, leaving me should be easy for him. I dont know. I need a guy's perspective on this.

[TheEvilJester]

First off, let me correct you on one thing. YOU didn't ruin his relationship.... HE ruined his relationship. Honestly, I feel that way even more so now hearing that he was your first. Believe me, I'm still not saying that is any excuse for getting with a guy who isn't single.... but your first love can be a powerful thing. That only makes it even more difficult a thing to resist. I can sort of understand even more so how you could allow yourself to get caught up in that.

HE is the one with a girlfriend. HE was the one who should have been man enough to say "Wait... I really like you, but I have a girlfriend and I can't do this to her." This is also completely a guess on my part, so you can correct me if I am wrong, but I would imagine he was probably the one more so pushing for something to happen between you two. I could be wrong, though. Guys are just typically more likely to try to drive things toward sex, but that isn't saying women aren't sometimes the first to do so, so I could very well be wrong.

Still, even if you were the one to try to get things going, so to speak, he's still the one with a girlfriend who should have cared enough about her to avoid letting things get that far. To be honest with you, this is one of those crappy situations where we can't know his intentions because we can't read his mind. As I see it...

- It could be hard for him to let you go because he sincerely does love you.... but he also sincerely does love his girlfriend as well and he never intended to get himself in a situation like this.
- It could be hard for him to let you go because he sincerely does love you.... and he doesn't really feel like he and his girlfriend are the right match after all, but he isn't sure he wants to throw away their relationship and/or he is reluctant to hurt her,
- It could be hard for him to let you go because he doesn't love you, but knows he gets something he wants from you..... and he loves his girlfriend and has no intention of leaving her.
- It could be hard for him to let you go because he doesn't love you, but knows he gets something he wants from you..... and he doesn't love his girlfriend either, but gets something he wants from her too.


All of those options are equally possible, and the guy in each of those options would tell you the exact same things. He says he loves you both.... but that is something all four of those guys would probably say to you. So, again, you are not a mind reader (at least I don't think). How are you supposed to know? Either way, if he doesn't do anything to make a decision, how will you ever have any kind of real relationship?

So, like I said, he really needs to take time to decide what he wants. He can't have you both. Not only that, but even if he does think he wants you and not her, he really should end things with her and take some time to himself. You do NOT deserve to be somebody's rebound, so he needs to make sure he didn't just get with you out of some need he was either aware of or not aware of for something that he maybe felt was missing in his relationship. Sometimes, whether they realize it or not, something about their relationship just is not right. That can cause a person to sabotage their relationship without realizing or intending to do that. That COULD be what he is doing here. Again, just speculation on my part.

Either way, you don't deserve to be jerked around like this.... especially not as your first experience in a romantic relationship. So, for now I stick by my feeling that you should leave him aside. Maybe he'll come back to you at some point after realizing she was wrong for him and realizing maybe you are right for him.... but don't wait around hoping that will happen. Take some time to re-learn how to be happy just being by yourself. Then, go out there and look for somebody else. If somebody else great comes along in the meanwhile, that is his loss. If it just so happens that he becomes available at such a time when you still are as well, then maybe you consider revisiting things.

Good luck to you either way.

[confused352463]

I know in my mind that everything you say is the right thing to do. But my heart is somewhat against it. You know that feeling when you want to do something but you just cant do it? Its like that. My heart and my mind is in constant battle everyday. Coz I know leaving is going to hurt. But i also know that what we have right now is toxic. Either way its gonna hurt like hell.

The last time we were together, he cried knowing I was hurting. I know he is confused and I think he isnt ready to give up his relationship with her nor will he ever be. I know I should stay away. I just need the push. One day at a time.

[TheEvilJester]

Sometimes that is all you can do. Live one day at a time. I absolutely understand what you mean. Sometimes, no matter how much you intellectually know a situation is bad for you, you can't help what your heart wants. I think it is a good first step, though, that you ARE able to admit that this is a bad situation that will likely only cause you hurt. You are definitely right. Leaving him is going to hurt you..... but it's going to hurt you a lot less than it would to keep prolonging this torture for yourself. Not only that, but you'll be able to start recovering now rather than to keep suffering and having to go through that whole recovery period weeks, months, or even years down the road.

Think of it like a wound. If you keep re-opening it, it will never heal. On the other hand, if you leave it alone and let it heal, it will heal up and be like it never happened. ....Or it may cause a scar, but funny thing about scars.... the skin is tougher there. It becomes a little harder to be wounded in the same way.

I'm speaking figuratively here. What I mean is, yes this is unfortunately a situation that is going to hurt no matter what.... but believe me, you WILL feel better. Probably sooner than you think. Once you do, you'll be able to look at this as a learning experience. Sometimes in life, unfortunately, we have to learn the hard way.

Bottom line, though, you are awesome. You need to tell yourself that and you need to believe it. Because, somebody awesome deserves an awesome relationship.... not to be strung along by somebody who is teetering between an existing relationship and the possibility of one with you.

Good luck to you either way. Believe me, you WILL be okay in time. I know from experience that you probably don't feel that way now, but you will. For now, just do whatever you can to fight your way back to the happiness you deserve.