dating 3 yrs, we're more like roommates

[totallyconfused]

hi all, im new here and i hope someone can help me, i feel so bad even writing this cos its making the situation more real, but im having second thoughts about my relationship with my boyfriend of 3 yrs.

when we met i was looking for a house to buy for myself so after dating for a year we moved into a rented apartment together and i kept looking for a house. we've lived together for two yrs and earlier this year i bought a house and we both moved about 100 miles away to live in it. he was unemployed and i think if it wasnt for this fact he would have invested in the house with me. anyway hes now working which is great.

so the problem is that it feels like were roommates rather than lovers, we have everything in common and love hanging out together, but our sex life isnt the best (it never has been). i have been restless in relationships before and three years is a really long time for me to date someone (im only 24). i was reading through the posts earlier and i kept bursting into tears when i read the ones about people falling out of love with their partners.

the problem with me is ive dragged this poor chap halfway accross the country and his whole life is tied to mine, he has no car so if we broke up he wouldnt be able to get to work, he knows no-one where we live now cos we've only just moved here, so hed end up loosing his job cos of me, oh i dont know, its so hard to sum up three years in a paragraph (and im crying again) ive never been treated so well in a relationship or loved so much, and thats why im finding it so hard to do this, but it just doesnt feel right.

i dont know.

[inkeepingsecret]

damn TC that really sucks. Hmmm, so your main problem is the sex? Sex is a big part of a relationship. Can you say you still love him? The fact is, that at some point you are going to have to confront this. My suggestion would be to, try and sit down with him one on one and talk things out.

I know this is easier said than done. Even though the problems with his job/friends/moving away are problems that will have to be addressed at some point, they shouldnt be your main concern. If someone isnt happy in a relationship, then something has to be done. I know its hard, but try thinking about yourself and not so much about him, and what would happen to him. Its not fair to stay with him because you might feel sorry for him in a way.

I say, communication is the only way to deal with this. Be honest, and firm with him.

[totallyconfused]

thanks for the quick reply :-) i've calmed down a little now. i do love him, i dont think i fancy him anymore, its more a form of contentment, but i love how wonderful he is, really he's probably one of the most giving caring people ive ever met, but it just seems like we're on autopilot and im only 24.
with ref to the sex thing, i dont orgasm during sex, so it means i just dont look forward to it as much as he does, we talk about it a lot but then it gets to the stage that its like talking about it with your roomate . . .

i think the biggest obstacle for me is the sheer scale of the upheaval that will occur if we split, ill be living on my own in a house in the middle of nowhere, hell have to move and quit his job, i know its no reason to stay together, but i feel like i cant put him through that when he's been nothing but good to me . . .

so many breakups are about your partner being a s**t head but this is not the situation here :-( ??

[TAVS]

Do whatever you need to do. Don't let his situation have an effect. It's not your fault he doesnt have a car etc. I think the best solution, however, is to have a real heart to heart talk with this bloke and let him know how you feel. Sounds like you guys have a good foundation, might just need a little work. I think the house might play a big part in your feelings. I bought a house (Age 25) for me and my Ex, then four months later she left me. The responsibility of a new home can really have a negative effect on a young relationship.

[Rosebud]

I think you should do things for yourself and stop worrying as much about what would happen to him, even though you do care. You have to do what is right for you. If you want to make things work then I suggest talkig with him and being open about all your concerns and see what comes from that.

If you feel you don't want to continue anymore in the relationship then I think you still need to talk to him but focus on you and don't let him make his problems yours as well.

[Asip4u]

You have to sit down and talk about it and not try to end things unless they are really that bad. From what you say, other than sex everything else is fine and you can work on that. People end up changing their life around because they want to get into a better position yet similar problems still arise, sometimes even worse.