Mixed feeling and confusion about love

[vgomes]

Hi everybody,

I'm here with a lot in my mind. Here's the picture:

I'm a 33 years old man with a good life. I've got a good job, my house, my car, a bunch of friends. The only thing i don't have in a long time is... piece of mind. I'm quite anxious and insecure with a lot of things, and although it never really stopped me of achieving anything, truth is i know the anxiety is here, with me, pretty much all the time.

Now, the love.
I've been alone for quite a few years now, not because i didn't engage with anybody, but because i never let them get deeply into my life. Maybe this was a "self defense" mechanism, as i found myself many times not believing in love. My fathers are divorced, as well as many other "ex-couples" i know. And then there are many unfaithful relationships that i'm also aware about. I don't want any of that, so i repeatedly closed myself at home and did not let any girls get in if their intentions were more than a colorful friendship.

But, almost 6 months ago, this girl appeared in my life, and, back then, the picture got better. Much better. We were a perfect match in about everything, all was looking pretty good. We started dating and i put down my guards a few notches. But the first months turned out to be not so perfect, as we fight a lot, mainly because she is (also) insecure and kept arguing for things i didn't do. It was exhausting. I let her in my life and, despite all the good times, she kept picking things that messed out with my own anxieties and insecurities. I try to get hold of myself but i've reached my limit and broke down.

And now, this:
We're still together. I broke up with her but she kept on my side begging me not to do it. We talked for hours, i told her exactly what i felt and what i feel everyday. She made a promise to help me get through this, together. But now, some of the times we are together i get this feeling that i don't want to be there anymore. But, on the other hand, i keep on doing my best to make her happy. She is the most dedicated woman i've met, she is cute, smart, funny, and i feel that i'm picking every escuse not to be with her. And i am so confused! Because i truly don't know if i don't love her or if i'm just scared of moving forward with my life to something i didn't believe for a long time. I can't tell the diference. When i'm with her sometimes i just want to be alone. But when i'm alone i miss her. When i get home and see all the things she did for me or that remind me of her i got sad, i even cry sometimes. All my anxieties get in the middle and i don't know how to deal with the situation. I'm so exhausted with all this, i don't feel good. The only feeling that i can clearly identify in me is sadness. Not much, right?

So here it is. A very insecure man, not knowing what to do. I truly thank you for taking the time to read all my obnoxious thread. If you feel like saying something, please do, i might need some inputs, despite being good or bad ones.

Cheers,
Vasco

[Pink 123]

Hi i cant really offer advice.... i just wanted to say that you sound like my ex and i wonder if thats what my ex was feeling. We were a great match apart from some arguments and the last few times we argued hes ended it dispite saying he wanted to spend his life with me and i was his soul mate.. its been very confusing for me.. ive been really down about it all... he kept saying i deserve better etc he doesnt want to be with anyone he wants to remain single. He doesny even do one night stands etc. So just wanted to say that maybe my ex is doing what u did... sorry not much help to u but from my side its horrible.

[TheEvilJester]

Unfortunately, these aren't easy questions you are asking. Unfortunately, they are also not really ones we can answer with any degree of certainty. This is the sort of thing only you will really know. I can say this, though, it's really just a matter of trying to take a step back and take emotions out of the equation. Sometimes love is all about the emotions.... but sometimes it is actually best to set them aside.

Instead, just look at it matter of factly. You need to just decide what makes you happier vs. what makes you more miserable? Would you be happier with her, or does she just bring you too much misery? Bottom line, if a relationship isn't making you happy, then what is the point? And, don't get me wrong.... sometimes relationships hit a rough patch. It happens to the best of us. Sometimes it IS worth fighting to get back to the good times. ....BUT, sometimes it is just best to realize when a relationship doesn't work and the two parties are just better off apart.

I can't tell you which is the case. I can only tell in time your heart and your mind will come more in sync and you will have a better idea of what is right for you. It won't be easy, believe me, but in time I think you will know what seems to be right. For now, at least it seems like she is making an effort to make things better. Good luck to you both. Whatever you decide, I hope it works out for the best. Again, I wish I could be more directly helpful, but this is one of those situations where that decision really does need to come from you.