I will try and explain without rambling.

I was with my ex for 3 years. Lived with me for 2. She loved me to death. I never felt the way she made me feel. I honestly think if I was in a car accident she wouldn't care if my face was mangled. She worshipped the ground I walked on. I felt so smothered I completely shut off. She would leave jewelry mags around I would use as a coaster. Anytime she would bring up marriage I would shut down idea. She even offered to buy the ring. It got to the point she would cry daily tell me I was gonna lose her I didn't care. She would read my texts as I slept. Saw I was texting my kids mom who I am close with about how to baby a 40 year old. It always upset her she felt she was second to her. She asked if I was getting her a ring for our anniversary I said no. She asked if it was a thought I said no. She said she needed to move on as that's a dream of her.
Next day she started going out and every night after. I realized I messed up begged her to stop etc she would cry be upset too then go out 10 min later huge kick in the face. I was devastated. I had to evict her and 90 days she was out. Early august got a place with the guy for her and her kids. Late august texted me for my birthday upset brought me a present said wishes she could go back it's not the same. She would tell me how it's always been me but I didn't want her and upset asking why etc. she felt horrible about her self not understanding why I didn't love her. We started rehashing our relationship everyday apologizing etc
Started hanging out sleeping together etc. was amazing again. She's bringing me cute cards with stuff written in them, talking all day and night.
She told me he wasn't her BF but just a friend etc. I thought something seemed fishy one day said let me ask him. She said why are you trying to ruin my life etc. we stop talking a day or two. We could never stay away from one another even if an insult to get a reaction. We would text all day and night for months. She would say stuff I knew didn't add up. Shes like why can't you just be nice to me. Show me this guy I always wanted to see etc. I would reply it's hard when you have a bf. She wouldn't deny it anymore. She's like I live with someone yes but had I known you loved me wouldn't be in this boat. She jumped from our 3 year relationship to someone else in a day cause I said wasn't getting a ring. She knew I met two girls after the breakup trying to get over her. It killed her as they were younger and prettier. I made sure to rub it in as much as possible as I obviously felt horrible about her situation. Everything I did was in reaction to being hurt by her. I knew she was lying at nights texting then just stop. She swore she was sorry would do anything to reassure me but was all talk. She's calling my house home etc saying she's trying to do what she has to do to get back home. I knew was buying time.
3 weeks ago start hanging out again it's going amazing. She's over every night even before I get home from work cleaning the house. She took my sons blanket home to wash and wanted their rooms to look perfect. She's bringing me cards cute stuff she made from Ideas on pintrist etc. She's bringing kids over who loved me. They see us together. She's begging me to come over Thursday I said no cause I had my kids and ex didn't want her around them. She was heartbroken texting me till 2 am saying she wanted to rebuild and here I am letting her get in the way again. She knew I had plans Friday she was still pissed about night before felt second to ex. Shes then mad I didn't invite her saying it didn't bother me not seeing her in two days etc. I get a message from the dude who was suppose to have moved out asking why I am texting her. I saw it next day. Sat I go over to surprise her as were suppose to spend day together. I see his car. She sent me a book how upset she was I wasn't changing etc. I asked bout him she said he came to get stuff I was pissed and replyed to his text from night before. I sent him pics of us texts she sent etc. she found out got mad blocked me. It's been a week now. I emailed her to come get your stuff it's on the porch and return my sons stuff he asks everyday. It sat out side for days. She then blocked my email. I told her it would be going out for trash still never retrieved. I called her at work unknown number she answered told her I need her she hung up.

Never been so effected by any girl in my life.


Why do I care? Fact she couldn't call text email say sorry or accept any fault.
I asked if she just wanted to hook up she said no I want the real you for once. So if she wanted him and us to just hook up I wouldn't have said a word to him.
Why go online look up cute ideas go buy the stuff make it etc if just a game?
Why do I think she hung up not saying don't call me again or picking stuff up cause then it would be final.
She still carried a pic of me as a kid in her wallet. Had pics of us on her desk at work Never covered up her one and only tattoo of my name on her wrist.
Why do I feel I shoulda shown her more effort and wouldn't be here. She gaslighted me.
Why do I feel so loved me hoping to see I would change and scared to totally commit.

Thanks for reading. We never went a day without talking no matter how bad fact it's 8 days I gotta give up.