Need some advice

[MysticAngel92]

Hey guys I'm new here. Basically my fiance is always on Facebook and he's been chatting to this girl, we've had a few arguments over it but he's kept saying there just mates. But about 3 different nights he's said her name in his sleep while cuddling me. What should I think, let alone do?

[TheEvilJester]

Well, you didn't give us all that much in the way of details, so it is hard to say much for sure. Though, I definitely agree with your concern, especially if he's accidentally calling you by her name while in intimate moments with you like that.

Of course, that was in his sleep, so it could have just been some response to a dream. For all you know, he could have been dreaming that she was falling off a cliff and he was trying to catch her to save her life. LOL! Just a radical example of how you can't necessarily assume anything based on something he muttered while asleep.

The fact of the matter is, though, this bothers you. So, if it bothers you, then something must be done about it. Now, unless there is more to this that we/you don't know.... he's not really done anything wrong, per se. He is entitled to have friends even if they are women. So, he's not done anything wrong (at least based on what we know).....

BUT..... You're also not wrong to not be okay with that. So, if it bothers you, talk to him about it. You shouldn't come at it as though he HAS done anything wrong, because as far as you know, he has not. You also shouldn't give him a "her or me" type of ultimatum. When it comes down to it, either you and he can come to an agreement on how to handle this friendship that keeps you both happy..... or you two should just move on.

What would be wrong, for either of you really, would be to expect the other to agree to something that isn't really okay with them. So, if this friendship is important enough to him that he wouldn't want to give it up.... .but you're not really comfortable with it, then you are both entitled to your opinions, but that may be a sign that you two are perhaps not the right match. On the other hand, if he can find a way to keep her as a friend, but in a way that doesn't bother you at all.... then that would be great.

Good luck to you either way.

[richiro]

I don't (my opinion only) prescribe to the idea that people are guilty for things they dream about. While yes they may be hints at what one truly thinks in real life - you also don't have control over your dreams either. So I only judge people by what they actually do and not do - that's only fair right?

So.. the bigger qestion here is - what and how does he act towards her in real life? Have you ever been brushed aside by him in favor of him talking or dealing with her?

You can definitely talk about it with him and ask exactly what they are and if he may be developing feelings for her - but the truth is anybody can say anything they want, and even lie. But actions never lie. So look at his actions.

I do think he's probably enamored with her and even attracted, but it doesn't mean he'll do anythnig about it or is attracted in a way he'd leave you for him. You can't stop attraction and human reaction. What you can stop or control is what you do about it and that's whats most important here.. and therefore what's most important for you to observe and judge him on.

Good luck.

[TheEvilJester]

I don't (my opinion only) prescribe to the idea that people are guilty for things they dream about. While yes they may be hints at what one truly thinks in real life - you also don't have control over your dreams either.

I can definitely second that idea myself. I personally have actually even had dreams in which somebody somebody is back in my life that I would NEVER even entertain the idea of letting them back in my life in reality. Not even for a millisecond. Hell, I've even had dreams where I was back with my ex... and I've LONG since realized how bad she was for me. (Though, it does at least make me wake up appreciating my real life for being SO much better without her.) That relationship was over in my own mind before I even realized it because of how poorly I was treated. I would never even for a second consider doing that to myself again... yet, it's still happened in a dream now and then. So, though dreams CAN reveal somebody's true thoughts/feelings, they can only just be complete nonsense.

[JakeCollins]

Hey there,

I wouldn't be too concerned about the dreaming stuff, considering that's not totally in his control. Three times on separate occasions is a bit strange though since it's seemingly quite common.

Regarding the speaking to her on Facebook thing, I can understand why that would bother you. Although he technically hasn't done anything wrong by speaking to another female, there's definitely some cause for concern. What has been the outcome of your arguments? Has he understood that it's bothering you and tried to help you understand and relax about it? Or is he simply just brushing it off as a just friends kind of thing.

From experience as a guy and having male friends in very similar situations, as you can imagine it's a popular situation for both women and men, it's possible that he's just attracted to the female he's being speaking to on facebook and maybe she's flirting back. That doesn't mean he's cheating on you, he might just enjoy the attention of another woman as he feels he's still in the game, so to speak.

You didn't give us too many details to go off, for example, where does he know this girl from? Did they just meet on Facebook or does he know her in real life?

Anyway, best of luck in your situation!

Jake Collins.

[melancholia]

Let's actually get to the bottom of where your concern is coming from, because if the simple idea of your boyfriend talking to another woman that bothers you, something is amiss here. Either there are more details you haven't divulged to us yet, or you are suffering from low self-esteem and insecurity with yourself and within your relationship. Start being more honest with yourself about what is actually bothering you. Everyone is allowed to have friends. Boyfriends and girlfriends can have friends of any gender, and everyone is free to explore friendships on their own terms, without their significant other harping down their neck about it. You cannot control who your boyfriend talks to or is friends with. And it's ridiculous to hold someone accountable for what they say in their dreams, or what they dream about because they can't control it. It's just a dream, it doesn't mean anything, please keep that in mind.

Are you concerned he may cheat on you? Has he ever done anything that leads you to believe he would cheat on you, or has he in the past? Has he sent any inappropriate or sexual messages to this person? Has he displayed any type of behavior that has broken your trust? Have you been feeling insecure about yourself lately, or insecure about your relationship? Have any big changes come up in your life or relationship lately that make you feel unsettled or uncertain of your future? Do you need more reassurance from your boyfriend that he loves you and that he respects you and that he wants to be with you? Jealousy is a human emotion and we are all susceptible to it. It's OK to feel jealous, but keep in mind it's a very selfish emotion; and while it may not be your fault that you feel jealous, it's up to you to choose how you react to those feelings.

Trust your boyfriend until he gives you a reason not to trust him, and let go of the heavy feelings of jealousy and the need to control whom your boyfriend is friends with, it will only contribute to more tension and unwanted negative energy within your relationship, and it could very well break the bonds that hold you two together.

[richiro]

well... to be fair to anybody.. itss never the WHAT that matters.. its the HOW.
She may be privvy and seeing the HOW when we don't.

So i guess that' my ultimate answer for you. NEVER look at the WHAT. Look at the HOW (dreams don't count).

Good lcuk and i hope all is on the up n up.