Double Standards!?!? Tell me I'm not crazy here...

[Italogent]

Hi Guys,
Im a pretty relaxed and open minded guy. I have been in a relationship for three years with a girl, things have been difficult lately but we have been working to save things.
So heres the recent problem which has left me lost for words: A couple of months ago I picked up my girlfriend from a party she was at with some old work friends. She got drunk and said she had a good night, didn't tell me much about the night and I didn't ask..... A week or two later myself, my girl and her best buddy were drinking and chatting, when she blurted out that recently a guy "came on to her real strong". Naturally I was curious about when this happened and with who, so I asked her. She said that it had happened at the party a week or two before, with her work friends. She told me it was this older guy, who was a massage therapist. She said she had no interest in the guy, and I believed her. I didn't push for any more answers and forgot about it because attractive women like my girl are bound to get male attention.
So just before christmas I hear that she is going on another night out with the same old work buddies. This time at a bar nearby. She came home and I heard that they had all had a fun night together and I was glad to hear that. The next day I noticed she had a new friend on Facebook, and from things she mentioned to me I figured out it was this older massage therapist guy she was now friends with. Obviously at this point the alarm bells began to ring for me. I don't feel threatened at all by this man, it just makes me wonder why my girl thinks its okay to now be friends with this guy. Maybe she needs the attention?? and since then he has posted on her page and messaged her saying really complimentary things, if a little brown nosey! I kinda had a chuckle about that. She also mentioned that she considered going to him for a massage, to help her back problems. So I'm paying attention now...
Then just a week or two ago she gets invited directly by this man to a dinner party at his apartment. Guess what, the older guy was giving all the guests at the party massages, and luckily for him, my girl too. Fully clothed massages, but in a social setting and with drink involved... She comes back from the party very drunk and had a good time, she also told me that she had been out on his balcony looking up at the stars with the old guy. Apparently it was lovely! hmmm...
She's telling me all this and I'm wondering what her motive is in all of this. Trying to make me jealous maybe? ... The next day he was messaging her again, sucking up to her, and guess what: suggesting that she have a weekly massage!
So because we have been having problems lately I have been choosing my battles, letting things go somewhat.... The other day, just by chance, a female friend of a friend needed a volunteer to practice sports massage on. In aid of an upcoming assignment. It was to be a quick 15 minute massage in a sober, professional environment. I had no problem helping out, and considering that my girlfriend seemed so relaxed about receiving massages herself, I agreed thinking there would be no problem.... Well, when I told my girlfriend I was getting the massage to her p with an assignment, she got a little testy- the first thing she asked me was: "Is it a man or a woman??"... When I told her it was a woman she completely flipped out! Started shouting at me and slammed my car door, walking off on me. In my opinion that is total double standards on her part, considering the scenarios she has found herself in recently. So what do you think people??? I think I have been fair in my actions... I would love to hear your neutral, honest opinions.

Regards,

Italogent.

[TheEvilJester]

Well, if you are just asking whether her reaction was unfair....

Then, yes. I definitely agree her reaction was completely unfair and extremely hypocritical. First off, you are basically doing exactly the same thing she did. She expects you should just be okay with it, yet she flips out on you for almost exactly the same thing.

Not only that, but if you really look at, your situation is actually much more innocent than hers. Let's look at it side by side here:

- Your situation is with somebody who was already your friend. This guy in her situation is a new friend she's actively set out to befriend who she didn't previously know at all.
- Your situation is with somebody who is just your friend and nothing more. The guy in her situation was hitting on her, with obvious intentions. Now, maybe she revealed she had a boyfriend, maybe not. There is nothing wrong with him hitting on her initially because he didn't know she had somebody. But, once he did, IF she revealed she has a boyfriend, he should have backed off. There is no reason, in my personal opinion, at least, for them to become friends. If she DIDN'T tell him she has a boyfriend... then that's a whole different problem.
- Your massage with your friend is actually to help her out with her assignment. Your girlfriend's situation has no such excuse.
- Your massage, though done by a friend, is in a professional setting. For your girlfriend, at least for the first time, this was in a social setting, not a clinical thing.

So, frankly, yes I agree she is being unfair..... BUT.... to be honest, that isn't really what is important here. I think all the other underlying issues are really what is important, and likely escalated something she otherwise may not have reacted to so poorly. So, this is one situation where you shouldn't really worry about who is right or wrong because the more important discussion is what is wrong between you two and can it be fixed. I think this massage situation is more a symptom than one of the actual problems.

Though, if you do have a discussion with her about it (which I suggest you only do at a time when you have calmed down about the situation and can have a fair and constructive discussion) I would not suggest you beat her over the head with the hypocrisy. I don't think you let her just get away with that either, though. You maybe just casually say something like "I'm just doing it because my friend needed help with an assignment. Nothing more than that. If it bothers you I won't do it, but isn't it the same as your massage appointments with your friend?" Something like that. I think that last part could probably be worded better, so certainly don't quote that verbatim.

Frankly, I personally think she is skirting, if not crossing, the line of what is appropriate with this new friend of hers (maybe that's just me, though).... but if you were willing to let it go, you can't back track on that now. Again, I don't think that specific thing is really what is the problem anyway. If you two have been having trouble lately, it is likely just a symptom of that. Good luck to you.

[richiro]

total double standards.

she is being very unreasonable. at first i was going to say "reasonable" b/c you guys are having problems, she's not hiding the massage guy from you, and totally felt like it was a ploy to light a fire under you. YOUR response should've been to fix the relatoinship and make it better becase that's wha tyou wnat for you two. but you didn't. your bad on that part. but it is still a double-standard and she's wrong for saying that - but then again this is a woman - logic doens't play (not "male logic" anyway).

stand your ground. but work together to find a middle ground and stop making it about what she does vs what you do. WORK together on the relatoinship. Ask her why she's not happy right now, that you know you're having problems. tha tyou want to work it out and work together on that. ask her what her ideas are to make it better and happier and give yours. then see if the BOTH OF YOU (not just her, not just you) then DO those things for the sake of the relationship.

if you're noticing its all one sided (whether its you or her) - then its time to go. double-standards are NOT OKAY and in a mature adult relationship that should go without saying. sadly, lots of people aren't as mature as they think to handle that concept (aka your gf at this point).

So stand your ground because you are right here.
but agree that the relationships isn't healthy right now. talk about what would make it healthier and see what happens.

good luck.

[Italogent]

Thanks so much for your reply Evil Jester,
I really appreciate you taking the time to look at my situation in-depth. I needed to run it all by some neutral people and get some opinions.
I will take your advice on board as you seem to be a decent chap, with your head in the right place. Heres hoping we can sort this problem out, and all the other ones... although I fear that our definitions of what is okay in a relationship are very different.
Hope to talk again bud,
Thanks!

Italogent

- - - Updated - - -

Hi Richiro,
Thank you so very much for your opinion on this subject!!
You seem like a no nonsense guy and I know that you're right that I should stand my ground, and yes you are so right it seems like a ploy to light a fire under my ass- she's not stupid and knows exactly what she's doing.
The relationship isn't healthy at all right now and there are so many things we have to work out, but I feel better now that you have assured me that I am not losing my mind

Thanks!

Italogent

[TheEvilJester]

I am happy if we were able to be of any help. And, just to clarify in case there was any misunderstanding.... I don't think that it is not okay for men and women to have friends of the opposite gender even while in a relationship. I do think that is okay. Heck, even if they are friends you made after being in the relationship. .....However, where it IS not wrong is where that "friendship" crosses boundaries of what is appropriate. In my personal opinion, this new friendship of her crossed those boundaries. Maybe it did not necessarily shatter them (as in there certainly could have been MUCH worse offenses), but it still just seems inappropriate to me. But, again, that may just be me.

And, again, that's really just a symptom of the overall situation in this case, I think. Good luck to you.