Best of both Worlds?

[Reenaroo]

Im in a 5 year relationship. Recently started feeling romantic connections with a long time friend. He fulfills every area my partner is lacking. I love my partner but am really enjoying having my needs met by this man. What do i do? Advice? Similar situations?

[richiro]

this is what i call the 85/15 rule.
the meat n potatoes of your needs is provided by the bf (85). But it's missing the "tingly" 15% fun stuff.
the other guy has the easy job.. he just does the fun 15% stuff.
so you feel 100% fulfilled but only think of the exciting/fun 15% stuff.

but if you let your bf go (and thus the 85% is gone), you'll suddenly find the exciting boy (15%) is not nearly what you thought he was.. b/c now you're only 15% happy. its easy to go for the exciting/new/fun stuff - but it's a mirage. they only appear to be "something" b/c you already have most of what you need (85) tucked away back home as an insurance policy.

DON'T make the 85/15 mistake of going for the 15. you'll regret it forever. Instead.. appreciate your 85 and that your bf day after day provides your 85.. then work with him on adding the last 15 together.

Good luck!

[Reenaroo]

I want to stay with my current partner but how do i get him to fulfill all the needs in which hes lacking whithout making him frustrated and doing things that just arent his personality? I want to stay with him no matter what. Also im not looking to start something new with the other man. Its just nice to enjoy the affection he gives. And yes it is just for fun but its also meeting a personal need of mine of feeling needed wanted attractive and special. And i really like that. Im not sure i want to let go of that any time soon.

[meloveu]

Very well said Richiro!

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You got comfortable in your relationship or simply bored. Maybe it's time to take a step back Reenaroo and figure out what you want. It's unfair to him that you are running around spending all your time and energy with this special friend of yours.

How would you feel if the tables were turned. The grass isn't greener on the other side and you can't always have your cake and eat it too.

[Reenaroo]

I would be hurt if he was doing the same. But im not neglecting him i still spend time with him and our children everyday. Hes not you typical guy. He doesnt need the attention and to see me everyday. Hes kind of cold hearhearted. But i see what your getting at. However if he only new im spending time with another man because he doesnt like giving the affection and attention that im neededing or that any woman needs out of a relationship. How do i get out of him what i need to feel completely satisfied? Ive tried to talk about it with him before but his attitude is well if you dont like the way it is theres the door. And so ive just learned to accept that he is not a lovey dovey cuddles and compliments type of guy. It sucks. I want romance and to feel wanted and special and loved emotionally and given physical affirmations of that with tenderness and kindness. But i dont think that will ever happen with him.

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I want my current partner! Thats what ive always wanted. But i need him to give me affection! How do i get him to understand that?

[meloveu]

I've been in a similar situation and honestly, it's hard. Was he like that in the beginning? I often see couples who have been dating for years get comfortable with each other and forget how to enjoy each other's company. It takes a lot of invested time and energy to make a relationship work and to fall in love over and over again with your partner.

Ive learned that we as women are too expressive about our feelings and allow men to control our feelings.

To answer you question: You can't change someone. He obviously doesn't care about your emotional needs nor is open to making the relationship work. Either you suck it up or maybe consider giving him some time to think about your relationship.

[Reenaroo]

He was prince charming in the beginning. 😢

[richiro]

how do i get him to fulfill all the needs in which hes lacking whithout making him frustrated and doing things that just arent his personality?

you may never be able to and that is something you must assess and decide. at which point yes it is legit to leave him. but the main part was to accept the reality that the "exciting" guy is only fulfilling 15%.
now.. as to how you get the extra 15% in your current relationship (the challenge of EVERY relationship) is to 1) lead by example.. not by demands and instruction. Do for him which you wish him to do for you. Not literally but figurativel. If you want him to be more outgoing, more spontaneous.. you bring spontaneity into the relatiship and make it fun for him (do it FOR HIM.. not yourself). it'll be contagious. You give what you want back and it typically comes back 10-fold. you want him to be more sexual or teasing or foreplay, be more sexually teasing and give him more foreplay to his enjoyment. There is NOTHING more effective than turning on that lightbulb for the other person and then they realize how much they get out of it - hey.. let's do that for my partner too!

far more effective to make it "their idea" (but of course you skilfully planted in their head for thme) than demand it and make it an obligation from them. nobody lieks that.

Its just nice to enjoy the affection he gives. And yes it is just for fun but its also meeting a personal need of mine of feeling needed wanted attractive and special. And i really like that. Im not sure i want to let go of that any time soon.

for the sake of your relatoinship you need to let the 15% go. sorry. you know very well if the roles were reversed how much that would hurt, embarrass, and betray you if your bf was doing that with another woman atcha b/c "you weren't fulfilling his needs" - so stop that right now with the 15! If it's affection you want - give him affection without asking anything back. Again, lead by example, and they will follow. If you want to feel wanted and attractive, make him feel wanted and attradtive without asking anything back so he can experience why it's so nice for somebody to do that for him - and he will want to do it for you.

Understand?

if you only think of yourself and do the 15 for yourself - then you will be BY YOURSELF and lose both the 85 AND the 15 eventually and have zero. (and you will deserve it if you do it).

so stop with the 15.. work the 85. Just as you would wish your bf to do if it were him in your position and a willing female person were willing to give him his 15.