My Breakup Meeting with my BF - Wow!

[margot732]

I had the breakup meeting with my bf last night at my apartment. He is one tormented, confused man -- in bad shape mentally and emotionally. He looked into my eyes 4 times and told me he loves me. He said, "I look into your beautiful eyes and see your radiant smile right now and you make me as weak as water. I'm so lucky to have you in my life."

He started hugging me, kissing me and clinging to me for dear life. Then he said with tears in his eyes, "Now I have to tell Jo I don't want to marry her because I want to be with you." I urged Neil not to rush into a final decision about choosing me or Jo. This this decision is too momentous and life changing for himself, her, me, his daughter and her kids to make after a few days of consideration. He needs to SLOW DOWN and have some alone time to think his options through as carefully as possible. Jo and her kids are Australian citizens who live there and bringing them here would be a visa nightmare and take a long time. He hasn't seen her in a year and she changed her mind about his marriage proposal because she misses him.

I kept reminding him over and over again that I am here in NJ, have no baggage/hangups/skeletons in my closet and that I want him and only him. That made him start crying. He knows we are great together and that I'm a catch and how happy I make him. I told him that I want to devote myself to our mutual happiness. It got very intense and we made out for an hour. We said how much we missed eachother.

then he suggested we go out to dinner and we had a great time holding hands and talking about non-relationship stuff. I really think my bf needs to see a psychotherapist to give him an objective perspective on the choices he faces. His mind is a tornado of emotions: love, guilt, conflict, confronting his past, and he can't make a responsible, sound decision on his own. He too much of a mess. But I didn't suggest he see a doctor -- it was too touchy a topic to bring up, I thought.

So after 5 hours together last night he went home and promised to slow down and things things through more carefully and that he would contact me.

I'll probably still lose him, but at least we had a frank talk, I opened my heart to him and I know more about his history with this woman.

Any advice, comments?

Thanks!

[shh!]

Whoa, I hope you were wearing your sunglasses, because the warning signs are so intense they mighthave damaged your vision...

I know you think you "won", but this is a prize I would send back.

[Junsui]

lol shh!, great way of saying it.

[margot732]

No, shh! I don't think I've won. He could easily decide to marry this woman. He's flip flopping all over the place and I see that clearly. He's very messed up and needs professional help. But I still care for him deeply and it felt so good to be with him last night. But I have no illusions about the outcome.

[Tone]

Yeah I kinda have to side with shh! here... not just cause I'm her servant-boy either.

But if he proposed to her a year ago.. and now she comes back saying she wants to go back to him (presumably because whatever thing she had goin for her with someone else ended up not working out, so now she's going to "Plan B") and he is considering going back... I dunno.

I understand it would give some unwanted stress... but I just can't see how he would even have to debate it, considering everything he has going for himself here and with you...

[Lloyd95]

Did you two have sex last night? I think the guy is a Player.

[margot732]

No we didn't have sex last night. we cuddled and made out. that's all. ther was no way i was going to have sex with him.

[Tone]

LoL when Lloyd said that I just imagine this guy sittin in the car before going to knock on your door, head tilted back - applying eye drops.

[shh!]

No, shh! I don't think I've won. He could easily decide to marry this woman. He's flip flopping all over the place and I see that clearly. He's very messed up and needs professional help. But I still care for him deeply and it felt so good to be with him last night. But I have no illusions about the outcome.

Margot, to be honest, if he was thinking of marrying another girl as recently as a day or two ago and you actually still want him, you BOTH need professional help.

[margot732]

Sh!!!, I'm already in therapy, thank you very much. Cut me a little slack. I'm in turmoil too, with hurt feelings that I have to sort out and it's not easy.

Is there anyone here willing to offer just a little support?

[Lloyd95]

Is there anyone here willing to offer just a little support?

You want support, go buy a bra; you want the truth, come to LF.c

[shh!]

Your friends will tell you what you want to hear, we speak only the truth.

[Junsui]

I know this must be tough to be going through. I can't relate since I have never been in this situation and hope to never be in one like this. At least you are already going to a therapist. I agree that he should probably do the same, but it is a hard subject to bring up with some people since they might take offense. There isn't much you can do in this situation. I would try to get involved in other things not involving him. I don't even know why he's having to consider this, like Tone said.

[Vanilla Gilr]

Margot, I know you're hurting...but you've only known this man for two months right? This is a pretty big road block in such a young relationship. After only two months...I don't care how well you think you know each other...you can't possibly. He clearly doesn't even know himself.

Let him go. If you remain invloved with him..he will be flip-flopping back and forth until one of you women think enough of yourself to say that you deserve better than a man who's not sure which one of you he wants to be with.

Two months...look back on your whole life and realize what a short time period two months is...and maybe...next relationship...don't jump in so fast...take time to really get to know each other before you become sexually involved...it sounds sexist...but women "fall in love" so much faster when sex is involved...and you really don't know the person yet....and please don't think I'm judging you...that's not my intent

...but my advice...let this man go...you're only looking down a long road of heartbreak if you don't.

[Tone]

I love Vanilla, she's like a female version of Hayward.

Now I know at first you might think that's a bad thing, but it's not ;p