My boyfriend is pushing me to get married too fast

[Mussi]

Dear all, I don't usually post questions in forums, but it seems google doesn't get asked a question about men pushing for marriage a lot, because it only generates answers about women pushing for marriage. So I hope I'll have better luck on here with you lovely people

I'm hoping someone here can help explain this situation from a man's point of view. A man who really really really wanst to marry you. And wants to marry you fast. Or from a woman who has experienced something similar. Or maybe I'm the crazy one in need of a reality check. Eitherway, all input is welcome.

I am 34, and my boyfriend is 30. We've known each other for almost a year, have been dating for 8 or 9 months, and have been living together for the past 4 months or so. Already living together this fast is moving much quicker than I am used to, but my boyfriend doesn't seem to think we are moving fast enough. He's always envisioned himself being married with kids before he was 30, and has now hit that milestone age, but isn't yet married with a family. He's from Africa, with a more traditional culture than mine. In his culture it's normal to get married very soon after starting dating, and when we vsited his home country last month I realized people also seem to make lots of babies, whether married or not, without really planning how they will take care of them. I'm from Northern Europe, we tend to marry late, date for 3 to 10 years before getting engaged and only have kids when we are sure we can care for them (I'm obviously generalizing here). The cultural reasons for these differences are plenty and interesting, but that's not my point, just an insightful sidebar Though I'm a romantic, and I'm very committed and loyal when in a relationship, I've never been one to fantasize much about weddings and all that, and I had all but given up on having a family since I didn't seem to find a man I wanted to have children with.

My boyfriend is a great guy, he is loyal, committed, kind, intelligent, a deep thinker, caring and he challenges me, so he's pretty damn amazing. My family really likes him, that means he's probably a good egg to people more objective than myself as well. Also seeing him around my nephews and nieces makes me think he actually would be a great dad, so I'm starting to warm up to the idea of having a family with him one day. The problem is that he wants to move much faster than I'm ready to.

I've just turned 34, so maybe I should be in a hurry, but I'm not. And for me, 2 years of dating is the absolute minimum before I'd get married or get pregnant, as I think that'd be the minimum amount of time needed to really know each other. I'd need longer if we hadn't moved in together so soon as living together means you can't hide your bad sides for long.
2 years, I feel is a decent compromise between his wanting to get marries asap, and my preferring to wait 3-5 years. He's also worried about my age. If we go with 2 years, I'd be 36 by the time I'll even consider talking about getting pregnant. Fertilty-wise, I get that its not ideal, but I can't help my age, and I'm not willing to risk having a kid with someone who'd later turn out to be wrong for me, or worse; a bad father (though there are no guarantees of course).

When I ask him why he wants to marry so fast he says he doesn't want to lose me. He thinks I'm weird for not wanting to lock it down if I really love him. He thinks that's what most women would do. He's handsome, kind, intelligent, highly educated and selfasured. Other than not being very well off, and being underemployed for his level of education I can't see why he wouldn't be a catch to most women, so I don't think it's an insecurity thing on his end, but I could be wrong, I get that money and success is a big deal to many.

Can anyone explain to me why a man would want to move this fast? And am I weird for not being in such a hurry even though I love him and think he's the best guy I've dated so far?
How can I assure him that I am committed to him even though I won't marry him immediately?

[TheEvilJester]

It sounds like a lot of it has to do with his culture, but also that may just be him. It is just what he wants. You can't really explain WHY he wants to marry so quickly. It's likely he also can't beyond what little explanation he did provide. Some people are just like that.

This COULD be enough of a sign that you two are not the right match..... but it also may not. I guess it just depends on how far off your timelines are. Talk to him about how you feel on it and why. You want to make him understand that you aren't hesitant because you don't love him. You just feel if it is meant to be it will be, so there is no reason to rush it.

I, personally, generally agree more with your approach. I think way too many marriages fail these days to rush anything. I'm not saying it is something you prolong nearly endlessly, but I just think people should take time to get to know each other before rushing into something as serious as marriage. Hell, as I learned the hard way myself, you can go in with 100% certainty that you've found the right person and STILL learn you were wrong. So, I definitely understand your bewilderment as to why anybody would want to rush it.

But, for him, maybe he just feels that when he knows he knows. To him, he may just feel like, if it is meant to be than why wait? There really is nothing wrong with either approach so long as the couple agree. In this case, you two don't. But, do you disagree so much that it could be a problem, or are you close enough in timeline/beliefs that it could work? That is for you two to discuss and decide.

For example, if he really wants to get married to you like.... yesterday.... but he'd be willing to wait 2 years.... and you'd really rather be together 5 years before you get married but would be willing to do so after 2 years.... well, then sounds like you two could make it work. On the other hand, if he wants to get married to you like.... yesterday..... but is willing to wait 6 months.... and your ideal window is more like 5 years, but you are willing to go with 3 years instead..... yeah.... not so much. So, really it is all about whether or not you two do have some agreeable middle-ground. That is definitely not something on which either of you should compromise. If you got married to him before you were ready, you may later regret it.... or worse it could even CREATE some resentment in you and wind up sabotaging a relationship that MAYBE could have otherwise worked. By the same token, if he waited longer than he was comfortable waiting, the same could be the case.

Good luck to you both. It's not an easy discussion/decision you two face. I wish you both the best in figuring it out. I hope it works out for the best for you both in whatever that turns out to be this time.

[melancholia]

I know many women who have had children later in life. My aunt had her first child at 40, my friend had her first son at 40. Both children are happy and healthy and both women are equally happy and healthy, especially because they waited until the timing was right for them. Do not let someone pressure you into living a life you aren't ready for. It makes you a better mother to your future children to wait until you are ready. If you start to bend and go with what he wants, just because he wants it right now, you will most likely grow to resent your choices, and resent him for talking you into it. Why can't he compromise? Why can't he bend his wishes to fit what works best for you? Why is it you who is expected to change your life plans just because he wants kids right this second? That's not fair to do to someone and it's the number 1 reason why most couples don't work out. It's not because of infidelity, or financial stress, it's because one person puts pressure on the other person to make a big life decision before they are ready. I am not hearing you say you want to marry him but you're worried what other people will think because it's too soon... you are specifically saying it's too soon for you and that it's not what you've envisioned for your life, and it's not the right time. If you talk yourself out of that, you will be sorry. Do not bend. Do not settle. Do not compromise without your boyfriend's will to compromise as well. It's not fair to you to put undue pressure on you to make hastily decisions like this, and it would be irresponsible to have a child before you are ready, no matter how badly he may want it.

[JakeCollins]

Hey there,

It seems like it's a both a cultural thing and an environmental thing. By that, I mean that he's probably seen his family members and friends marry young and have a lot of kids at a young age and thus he feels that he needs to do the same. Because it's something he's grown up seeing it's likely he doesn't understand why you don't see things the same way.

I honestly just think that the only thing you can do is tell him the truth i.e. how you feel about how but you aren't ready to get married and have kids yet. He either has to accept that and wait or move on and that decision is down to him.

Don't be pressured into making a choice that you don't want to make even if it does stem for your love for this man. Getting married and having kids is a two person job so if either partner isn't ready then the other partner needs to respect that decision regardless of what he/she wants.

Best of luck,

Jake Collins.

[richiro]

okay here's the deal with anybody (not just males!) seemingly in a rush and wanting to marry quickly. The shortversion is: they are basically super insecure to the point they overcompensate by over-controlling their environemnt to the point of being manipualtive, controlling, and abusive.

now we fill in the details:
There are a set of very consistent and common traits when it comes to controlling, mainpulative, and abusive people. they move VERY FAST, they are VERY giving and charming, they need to be the center of attention. The VERY FAST and CENTER OF ATTENTION parts are the keys that they are abusive (there are some very charming and giving people who are not abusive.. but still WATCH OUT if they are over-giving, and OVER-charming way too early).

what's going on is.. they are extremely insecure (to a clinically unhealthy level). this is hard to detect because.. well.. everybody is insecure to a certain degree. but when oyu're way over insecure, you need constant reassurance and attention to compensate for that. Thus they over-charm, over-give, to be the center of attention and are such romantics and in such a hurry to engage in romance! It is stictly them NEEDING this to feed their extremely insecure egos. And so insecure it is constantly on 24/7! This is why they are very disloyal, always courting somebody, or alwasy needing to gain the attnetions of somebody else.

To keep these hings going they need to over-control their environment (b/c deep down their deep insecurtieies mean they feel like they have ZERO control of their environment and people are liable to leave them at any second). And this is what drives the controlling, mainpulative, abusive stuff. It takes that amount of control, trying to control you, even to the point of main0ulating you or abusing you - to not lose you and feed their worst insecurities of being inadequate.

So in short.. they OVERDO IT b/c they are lacking inside to believein themselves. Because of that they need the outpouring of adoration and love from others constantly to believe in themselves brieffly.

These people, in time, DO become abusive. It's a spiraling effect and they eventually crash and burn within their insecurities - taking you down with them.

ON THE FLIP SIDE.. you can see how a confident AND reassured and comfortable person acts very differently. Confident and reassured and comfy in their situations and realtionsihps - there is NO hurry. they know the relatinoship will be there tomorrow and be fine. Its more imprtant to enjoy the day and the marriages, the committments, etc. - they'll take care of themselves... Of course they want to commit and do all that - there just isn't this deahtly urgent need to control and have it at all times with the normal and healthily confident/comfy person.

hope that helped. btw.. look up any abuse site and they will spell this exactly out and list the same traits i have here as "what to look out for" - so please don't believe me. RESEARCH IT! EDUCATE yourselves!

[belif]

Never ever get married until you feel the time is right and with the right person. If you are doubting, you are not ready. If the other person cannot respect that, time to take further action.

[TheEvilJester]

I don't know if I necessarily agree that richiro's illustration is definitely the case here. I do think sometimes people can be in a rush with things like this (to get married) for noble reasons and NOT for malicious ones. I think some people are just like that. That, or there are also people who are just impulsive. They maybe don't mean to be that way, but can't help that when they want something they want it and they see no reason to wait.

So, I don't necessarily agree that what richiro says is definitely the case here...... BUT I definitely agree it is VERY possible. It's also one great example of why you don't let somebody rush you into something you are not ready for yet. I mean, I don't think anybody would find it strange to be dating 8 or 9 months and NOT be ready to make a commitment like that. On the other hand, I think plenty of people WOULD find it strange to be THAT certain after only 8 or 9 months. I'd be part of that group myself. I'm a pretty romantic guy..... but even I believe you can be romantic and not also take leave of your common sense. If you feel it is so meant to be after such a short amount of time..... give it time to see if you still feel that way after a while longer. If you do, GREAT! Then start talking marriage. But, imagine if you rush into it, get married, and THEN discover that they weren't the right person for you after all.

You feel like you are not ready yet. So don't let anybody force you into it. If you and he can agree to a timeline that works for you both, maybe you consider continuing to give it a go. If not, probably better just to move on. Good luck.

[melancholia]

I actually agree with [MENTION=69583]richiro[/MENTION] that, more often than not, people who are quick to rush a relationship tend to lean toward having manipulative and abusive behavior patters. I've lived that reality myself. Either they have low self-esteem and codependent tendencies, or they have a deep-rooted desire to control everything, and everyone around them, or a combination of both. Sometimes people rush into relationships because they honestly believe they've found "the one", but usually both people rush into it at the same pace, and those relationships can actually work out. It's when one person is pushing the other to move too quickly before they are ready, that is a problem, and it sounds like that's the case for the OP. Not necessarily that the OP's partner is 100% for sure abusive, but to push someone into marriage and children before they are ready is a terrible, terrible idea. When someone says "it's now or never", generally, they can't think outside their own needs and lack empathy and realistic thinking, and that can be a big problem for many relationships.

[richiro]

its good not to believe me or anybody else on an anonynous website on the internet (or even people in person).
RESEARCH! The internet is a wondeful thing and that you can figure out anything using it (just have to make sure sources are clean these days).

So I welcome people not agreeing with me. But don't just agree b/c yo udon't think it's possible (ask all the abuse victims out there even AFTER being abused if they even believe they're in an abusive situation... Abuse s just something that we as a society still sweet under the rug and assume doesn't happen or can't be happening.. but the reality is it HAPPENS FAR MORE than we realize... )

So go research it. Go to Domestic Violence (DV) sites or police sites that have sections on learning how to spot potential abusers. They will tell you exactly what i've posted.

Now.. where I will agree that "it doesn't alwyas go that way" is a different explanation which I will explain here. As I've come to see it (after studying it for 20+ yrs) is that Abuse is a continuum. The personality traits are the personality traits that let youi know if a person is capable of it or has the personality foundation for it (think of it like "additive personalities".. people who are susceptible or show traits of susceptability to fall into addiction... doesn't mean they're always abusing an addiction but the foundation is DEFINITELY THERE to be suscpetible and likely to struggle with it during their lifetime). So if we see abuse not as "it did happen" or "it didn't happen" and see it more as "people that show reliably consistnet signals and traits that show they are susceptible and capapble of abuse" - that is the better way to see this.

So.. when does abuse happen and not with these people that have the foundation for it? the simple explanation here is that an abuser (or controlling manipulator..) only uses or needs to use as much control or manipulation as is needed to control their victim or target. with some, not much is needed. Wiht others who are stronger willed or not as willing to be a victim, it takes a lot more. It starts from control and mainpulation, to actually abusing verbally or mentally, to physical abuse, and then to the ultimate exhibition of control ---- homicide. It's all on a continuum. And all abuse is the same (sexual, child, animal, etc.) It's just they pick different targets. But the foundation, the signs, the character traits, the level within the continuum they must exert to achieve control - all of that is the same across the different types or levels of abuse and types of victims.

anyway.. don't believe me. Go read a few DV sites and see how inaccurate i am.

[TheEvilJester]

I mean, in fairness, the OP has not commented yet, so we can't say whether or not they believe. Also, to clarify, I'm not personally saying I don't believe what you say either. I actually agree almost fully with everything you've said. The only thing I don't agree with is that this is definitely the case here. Sometimes somebody quick to want to rush marriage is because they are abusive and controlling, but sometimes it just because that is what they want. Some people are just more decisive. Right or wrong, they at least feel like they know what they want and when they want it they want it. What would be more telling would be how he handles it if she doesn't agree. If he can respectfully understand that she feels differently, even if that means the two of them just aren't the right match, then that would show that maybe he's not controlling, he's just impulsive. If he's pushy and abusive in his response and tries to force her to change her mind, then.... yeah.... he's definitely controlling.

So, I'm just more so trying to point out the possibility of it just being that they are two different people. Is it because he's controlling and/or abusive? Oh, that is ABSOLUTELY possible. I'm just saying, it isn't necessarily a foregone conclusion. I also think it is sort of not the point here. It is definitely PART of the equation.... but I think what is more important is frankly whether or not their timelines can match up, even if not EXACTLY what they each want. I say that because even if he is actually NOT being controlling and abusive..... but their timelines are just way off anyway.... then it still is best just to move on. Sorta doesn't change things in that case.

[richiro]

oh i know.. but what i'm telling you is... if you REALLY study it and understand it.. you will undersatnd that it isn't a "it is the case" vs "it's not the case"....
the pont is "it is the case" --- it's just to WHAT LEVEL it will come to (because it's all a continuum).

It's very possible that they dont' need to physically abuse
its very possibley tat they don't need to mentally abuse

to keep control of their "victim".

but rest assured these types require "controL" of their victim.. and as long as the victim is controlled they don't need to escalate the means to control them.

so it's NOT "yes vs no".. it's a "yes.. but to what level".

[TheEvilJester]

Well, I guess we just have to respectfully agree to disagree. I don't necessarily think that this is the absolute conclusion if somebody is quick to want to jump into marriage. I think sometimes people, with the best of intentions, can just be caught up in the excitement of it and make a foolishly rushed decision. That, or there could be other negative reasons that aren't necessarily controlling and abusive. For example, I could imagine somebody with a super low self-esteem thinking they need to rush to "lock down" their significant other because they are worried otherwise they'll lose them. I guess you could argue that is controlling to some degree, but I think it is motivated from a different mind-set than what you describe.

Bottom line, though, doesn't change the fact that I think you probably ARE right in this case. I just don't necessarily think that is a definite.... but I think chances are that probably IS the case here. After all, maybe it is just me, but 8 or 9 months is way too short to be already wanting to get married. They haven't even reached their first anniversary and he's already talking about making a legal commitment? So.... yeah.... in this case, I think controlling and/or abusive tendencies are pretty likely all the same, even if I don't necessarily think it is a definite.

[melancholia]

That, or there could be other negative reasons that aren't necessarily controlling and abusive. For example, I could imagine somebody with a super low self-esteem thinking they need to rush to "lock down" their significant other because they are worried otherwise they'll lose them. I guess you could argue that is controlling to some degree, but I think it is motivated from a different mind-set than what you describe.

That is controlling behavior to any degree. Just because someone isn't punching their SO in the face when they want a sandwich, doesn't mean they aren't displaying controlling or abusive behavior toward their partner. It always starts out subtle, and escalates from there. [MENTION=69583]richiro[/MENTION] is correct that an abuser only exerts themselves to the degree necessary to control their victim. Sometimes they don't need physical violence or even verbally abusive patterns to be controlling or abusive - those are just the easiest to identify. Manipulating someone is 100% abusive, and to manipulate someone is to try to talk them into something they don't want to do, or aren't ready for, and that is what the OP's SO is doing in this case.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, like I said, I just respectfully agree to disagree. Honestly, ONLY because I think abuse is a very strong word. I don't personally feel like something like this AUTOMATICALLY counts as abuse. We're not mind readers, so we don't know the thought process behind WHY he's so quick to want to marry her and we don't know the degree to which the timeline matters to him. In other words, if she talked to him and said it was too soon for her, and he is actually perfectly understanding about that.... then I fail to see how that is abusive. So, I just don't like to jump to conclusions.

Believe me, not accusing you or richiro of jumping to conclusions. I definitely can't blame you for feeling the way you do. It's just, despite all I've been through in my life, I DO assume people are usually just going to prove themselves to be bad people (because, from my experience, more often than not they do), but I still don't make that conclusion until they've proven it.

Again.... all that said.... I do still agree that PROBABLY is the case here.... I'm just not necessarily willing to conclude it definitely is. At least not without more evidence.

....

P.S.

Wait... what the Hell? When did I become such an optimist? What the heck is wrong with me? LOL! Eh, I guess in fairness to me maybe "realist" would be a better description, though. I still realize that people are generally bad, I just don't conclude they are bad until they've actually proven it.

[richiro]

it's a continuum.. abuse is not the "condition" - it's the level of tool used.
but in the end semantics are just semantics.. what's IMPORTANT is...

1. these are the exact and strong traits of people that are controlling and manipualtive to the point they CAN BE abusive (better?)
2. the tools and means they use to control and mainpulate you IS abuse (be it verbal, mental, psychological, or physical) - and what LEVEL they end up using is what level is needed to keep the victim udner control.

argue if me if you want. but all the sites and experts and people that STUDY this and WORK with this will tell you what i'm telling you. your "opioin" unless you've studied and worked with this --- is of no relevance here.

our job here is to give people GOOD and ACCURATE information - not our "opinons" on what it should be or shoudln't be called.