Says he wants me back..

[Kaylaxo]

I met a boy about 10 months ago, we got very serious very fast. About a month into our relationship he told me he loved me and I knew I loved him too. I have such a hard time getting attached to people and he came along and changed my way of thinking. About 2 weeks later something very serious happened to him and he landed in the hospital for almost a month. In that month we grew soo close, I got close with a lot of his family, it was a bad situation but it made us stronger. Things were good for a little while once he got out of the hospital but as more weeks passed the more and more inconsistent he got and I got so out of character. I was going through his phone, I was doing pop ups at his house, I was being a total nut case. He ended up breaking up with me, telling me he was going through something and feeling really depressed about how his life has been since he left the hospital and that I was just making it worse with my constant accusations of cheating and lying. I was devastated but I understood. I did a lot of crying but I promised myself I would not call him and I didn't. Like 3 weeks later her called and told me he missed me, that he still wants to be in my life and we should remain friends. We would talk a few times a week but the calls got less and less frequent and before I knew it.. I didn't miss him anymore. I met someone new so I started to ignore his calls. There would be nights he would call 5-10 times and it started to interfere with who I was dealing with. The new guy told me I need to block his number, for some reason I didn't and I realized I wasn't ready for anything serious and I broke it off. I still didn't answer his calls for a few more weeks and then one night he showed up at my house. He ended up staying over, I was so mad at myself, it felt good but I remained cautious and limited myself to answering his phone calls to maybe 2 times a week. So like 3 weeks ago my best friend was over and he called and she was like he's being so persistent just give him another try. He came over, the 3 of us hung out and had a good night. It was refreshing and fun, like it was in the beginning and I missed it and I knew I was in trouble. My heart was in it again, it was good too, we were talking a lot. He kept telling me his missed me and he loves me so much, we were falling asleep on the phone together every night, I felt like I was in high school again! Here's the problem though.. he can text me all day and talk to me all night and make grand plans, tell me he loves me and lets work on getting a place together, whatever whatever but there's no action. He was supposed to come over this morning once he was off work, he didn't show and than got mad at me cause I was mad. It's almost hard to explain but I keep telling him if he loves me I need to be shown, I need him to be physically here not just over the phone and not just with words. I asked him today to please just tell me why he keeps calling me and telling me this stuff just to flake or not show up. He won't give me an answer. I am completely clueless. If he doesn't want me why doesn't he just leave me alone? He calls me, he gets mad when I don't answer, he doesn't want me to date other men but he won't make a REAL effort to be fully in my life and I just don't understand..

[Hooo!]

Have you tried talking to him about it?
And i dont mean just small talking about it. I mean sitting together and deeply honestly talking to each other and not letting the conversation go until you have some kind of closure.

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah, I would basically offer the same advice. If you have any intention of continuing to pursue the possibility of this relationship, then this confusing activity on his part is unlikely to change unless you two talk about it. And, as Hooo points out, though you two have "talked about it," that's not exactly the same thing as what we are describing. You've talked about it in passing as it happens. That's not necessarily the way or the time to talk about something like that. Plus, it makes it too easy for him to just dismiss it and hope you'll stop asking. You need to have a real conversation about it.

....Now, that is assuming you want to continue to pursue this relationship. I must admit that I personally have some doubts as to whether you should even bother based on what you've shared with us. You went a little crazy on him, you admit that yourself. That was what initially ended your relationship. But, you own up to that, and that is great.

..... Yet do you not realize that he is now doing EXACTLY the same thing to you that he considered such an egregious offense on your part he felt the need to break up with you? Is the hypocrisy of that lost on you? And by that, I'm calling HIM a hypocrite, not you. What makes that even worse.... he does all the same obsessive things that drove him crazy when you did then (showing up unannounced and uninvited, calling over and over, etc.) but then when you give in and give him his way..... he then fails to live up to it.

So, he pesters and berates you to give him a chance.... then you do and he just chooses to flake out on it. To be honest with you, if I were you, I think I'd more so be thinking that maybe I'd be better off without him. Maybe you made a mistake in the past, but you've owned up to that and you've made the effort to make it better. Maybe now it is time to use that life lesson to do better.... in a DIFFERENT relationship. It certainly doesn't sound to me like he appreciates you the way your significant other should. Heck, I'd lean towards telling you it may be better to move on even if it were just for his obsessive insistence.... but the fact that he then doesn't even live up to it when he does get his way only more solidly puts me in that camp.

But, that does have to be your decision. I saw all this only to give you food for thought, so to speak. I don't want to sway you one way or the other, I just want to help you see things from somebody else's perspective to maybe help you decide what feels right to YOU. If you do think you two could have something worth saving, then open communication is the way to go. Good luck!

[ladyjofc8]

Hello,

Having been through a number of relationships in my lifetime and remembering my own moments of indecision, as I read through this I really felt like this all sounds like you mentioned 'in high school" and not just in a good way. I don't know how old you are, but if you're considering being in a relationship (whether with him or anyone) and it's for a long term, marriage one day type of thing, I would step back again and really evaluate what you want in a relationship. If you desire stability, safety, trust, honestly, consistency, intimacy (I don't mean sexual), and the like, perhaps you might want to end this one. It doesn't sound like those things are present, regardless of long talks on the phone. Someone once told me when you go to by a home, take along someone with you who already has one they really like and isn't looking for one because they'll help you see the imperfections and make a wiser judgement. I recommend that one day when you're feeling less "starry-eyed" (that is infatuated) about him, that you step back a reread what you wrote and you may see what someone with a more objective eye sees.

[TheEvilJester]

Good advice. In fact, in that same vein, think of it like this...

Think about everything he's done to you.... Re-read your own passage above.... and imagine it as though it were happening to your best friend or your sister instead of you. Imagine how it would make you feel knowing some guy was doing that to her.... and imagine what your advice would be to her. Why should you do anything differently than what you'd want somebody else to do were they in the same situation?