New relationship, new problems.

[fadedmemories]

My boyfriend (24) and I (19) have been dating for almost 3 months but we have been knowing each for at least 4 months. I met him at my job and he said he always had a crush on me but never worked up the courage to speak to me until that night. At first I was contemplating, since I recently left an abusive relationships months earlier. He's an offshore worker so he works 28 days, home for 14. The first two months he was home, I seen so much of the person he says he is. He's a great guy and all but he's schizophrenia for one and he's on medication but right now he's not.. The first month (January) he was home, it was better than February. The day after he left to go back to work, I received a phone call from him saying "I'm not being distant, I just wanted you to see that I'm letting you live your life." Basically he was saying I was always underneath his behind but he couldn't have told me that face to face. Also I noticed a change in his behaviour as he told me he's not the lovey dovey type towards me. I always try to show him love and affection, for example, I can be staring at him out of love and he tells me to "stop" or "it's weird". I'm sorry that I'm such a hopeless romantic and like to show my significant other reassurance. He has had a rough past with women as they always left him so I'm trying to be there for him but I fear he's pushing me away. I'm trying to understand to cope with him saying we need to open up more but I feel like I'm being left out. I need to find out what went wrong without blaming each other.
•Is this something all new couples go through the first few months?
•How can I not be clingy towards him?
Any and every little advice is appreciated, thank you.

[richiro]

1) why is he not on meds? this could be part of the why the change
2) you both need to undersatnd that just because you are one way with love, doesn't mean other people are the same way wiht love.

So if it's not [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] (or all of it can be attributed to [URL=http://www.loveforum.net/usertag.php?do=list&action=hash&hash=1]#1[/URL] ) then this is the classic case of people trying to fit others into their "script/template" of what love should be. We all need to STOP THAT and accept the people for who they are and either accept them - or look for somebody else that is more aligned with what we need. We can't CHANGE them or expect them to change (unless we're willing to change ourselves to match).

They're not pets. They're people. Treat them as such.

[Hooo!]

i think he is hurt and just afraid of opening up. Some people tend to losen up after a time.
others dont.

id talk about it with him, tell him what you want and expect and how soon you want it. I dont think its a big deal tho to be honest.
If he loves you in his own way then let him. However I would also tell him the same thing. That if his girl likes to be romantic then he should apprechiate it and value it instead of being freaked out by it...

[TheEvilJester]

Well, I do most often tend to err on the side of the saying "Compare and despair." In other words, the meaning being if you are always worrying about things like "Is XYZ normal?" or "Is XYZ what other people have/do/etc." then you are always going to find some reason not to be happy with anything in your life. So, if something is working for you, don't worry about what other people do, what other people have, etc.

....The thing is, this ISN'T working for you. I will start off by saying this.... it's great that you don't want to hurt him. That you know he's had women leave him in the past so you want to try not to do that.... but there does need to be some reasonable limit to that. You're not his mother, you shouldn't have to teach him how to be a normal human being. So, if he seems to be incapable of treating a girlfriend the way she deserves to be treated, whether it is intentional or not, you wouldn't be wrong if that was something that simply did not work for you.

Now, that's worst case scenario. I'm not saying that IS the case here, I'm just saying IF it is, you shouldn't feel like you have to stay with him to help him get better at this. That's his job, not yours. However, it is entirely possible that he's just not the super lovey dovey romantic type. He may like you just as much as you like him.... but maybe he's just not the showy type with that. If it's simply that, then there's not really anything wrong with that.... but there's also nothing wrong with you if you NEED that.

So, as others have suggested, having a calm and constructive discussion with him about it could maybe help. You don't want to discuss it as though he's done anything wrong, because maybe he hasn't. You just want to make it clear how you are in a relationship and the kind of relationship you envision. Maybe he won't agree with your idea of a loving relationship 100%, but maybe you two can work together enough to where you feel like you are still a good match. Two people don't have to be 100% alike to be a good match, in fact having some differences can honestly actually be even better.

BUT.... if you two just are too far off, then it is probably best to just respectfully set each other free to find somebody who is possibly better suited as their match. Good luck to you either way. I wish you both the best.

[pcmaster]

He should be on meds all the time. Shizo is not the type of ilness that can be healed. But it can be managed with meds and basicly its posible to live a normal life. Thats common mistake when people stop to take meds cause they think they can live without them. But they actually cant cause it gets worse.
Best you can do to understand and help him is read about this ilness on wiki.
Aktiprol(Amisulpridum) is pretty great meds that makes life easy with no side effects. Pretty expensive compared to cheap Risperidonum but worth it cause theres no reduced sex drive, sleepiness, lack of energy and weight gain.

Anyway I bet meds costs a lot in US but its worth paying to live a healthy whole life.
Also there are guides on google how to live with shizo and how close people can help. Besides that therapy is also needed. Theres a lot online theraphy availabe these days like 7cups and betterHelp that both have free trials aswell and 7cups have also nonproffesional active listeners.
I had a lot of friends with mental ilnesses and I never tried to change them, just realized thats who they are and just enjoyed moments together when there was nothing better to do. But eventually they all became distant and could care only about themselves. So I will tell you what - if you feel like you are the only one trying and giving then it likely wont change anytime soon. Months and years might be needed to get better with this ilness while using meds and communicating.