Help, she really likes me... but I don't like her in that way

[Hagbard]

I've got a problem. One that at least feels really big.

A little bit over a month ago I ran into a girl who was struggling a bit. She's doing her final year at university (nearly done), and she was stressed out, feeling down and doubting herself. She's also forced to live in a city where she has no friends for her final semester, so she's got nobody to talk to.
I ran into her, noticed that she was feeling really down, said that she can talk to me if she's feeling down or need someone to just vent to, and said some kind and encouraging words to her.

The problem is that she's developed feelings for me. After a little while she started contacting me more often, now it's daily (we mostly talk online), and she very often steers the conversation into relationships, how nice they are, asks me about mine, and it's getting very personal. I would lie if I said that it's not very flattering when a smart, cute & really nice girl likes me, but sadly I don't love her. I would love to be her friend, but not her boyfriend. If I could develop feelings for her by just wishing it, I would because she's really nice.

To complicate things even further, she'll soon have her final exam. These are once a year, and if she fails it now, she'll have to re-do it next year. I'm afraid that if I turn her down now, she'll feel so down that she might fail the exam. And that would really be terrible for her. On the other hand, not giving a clear indication that I'm not interested in her in a romantic relationship kind of way is cruel, and the longer this goes on, the worse I would imagine it will feel for her when I turn her down.

So my question is... what do I do? Do I keep it up for now, and turn her down once she's done with her studies, risking to hurt her even more then? Or do I turn her down now, knowing full well that she might fail her final exam, which will set her back a year? And how do you turn down someone anyway? In the past I've never been good at it, I've always made a terrible mess out of things. She's really sweet, and I would hate to hurt her.

[pcmaster]

Just say that you like her as a friend and really dont want anything more right now.This should hurt her a little but she gona be okay if you keep up contact as a friends.

[Hagbard]

Just say that you like her as a friend and really dont want anything more right now.This should hurt her a little but she gona be okay if you keep up contact as a friends.

Thanks, I''try. I'm still afraid that she'll take it poorly, because of how much stress she's under right now, but I guess that's the best approach

[CleanCut]

Well, that's certainly a nice problem to have, can't say Iv'e ever had a problem like that; however I don't think her connection with you would have anything to do on how well she is going to do on her exam, so don't worry about that, if she does bad on her exam, it's her own fault. What it comes down to is that if you are really not interested in her for a relationship, just tell her that and that you only want to be friends.

[Hooo!]

are you gay?

[Hagbard]

Well, that's certainly a nice problem to have, can't say Iv'e ever had a problem like that; however I don't think her connection with you would have anything to do on how well she is going to do on her exam, so don't worry about that, if she does bad on her exam, it's her own fault. What it comes down to is that if you are really not interested in her for a relationship, just tell her that and that you only want to be friends.

I just know how crappy I would feel in her situation. I remember when I wrote my master's thesis, I was a wreck because I was so overworked (13h workdays 4 weeks in a row + at least a couple of hours on both Saturday & Sunday does that to you), and a push in the wrong direction could well have made me break down in tears. Luckily life was pretty smooth sailing back then apart from that. I might just be projecting on her here, but it's still something I'm worrying about.

are you gay?

No. That would have been a handy excuse though, if she did not already know that I've had girlfriends in the past.

[Hooo!]

so - you are not gay
and you think she is sexy and smart and a cool person to be around?

[lovebroken]

If she is forcing the issue with you, that means she is only caring about herself and her feelings and not about how you feel at all, in other words she is being selfish, so you really do not owe her to pretend to like her relationship wise if you do not, you are allowed NOT to be into her for whatever reasons and just like her as solely a friend. So I would tell her if this is bothering you, her exam and if she fails is all on her, never on you, so don't put it on you it isn't your doing if she created a fantasy relationship with you when you were only trying to be a nice person to her. I'd tell her if it is increasingly bothering you.

[Hagbard]

so - you are not gay
and you think she is sexy and smart and a cool person to be around?

Yes, but she lacks that certain "drive" that I find attractive. Her idea of a great weekend is curling up under a blanket, playing video games. My idea of a great weekend is to be out and about exploring new places.

If she is forcing the issue with you, that means she is only caring about herself and her feelings and not about how you feel at all, in other words she is being selfish, so you really do not owe her to pretend to like her relationship wise if you do not, you are allowed NOT to be into her for whatever reasons and just like her as solely a friend. So I would tell her if this is bothering you, her exam and if she fails is all on her, never on you, so don't put it on you it isn't your doing if she created a fantasy relationship with you when you were only trying to be a nice person to her. I'd tell her if it is increasingly bothering you.

I will try to turn her down in a nice way. After posting this thread, I waited for her to contact me again yesterday, with the intention of at least indicating that I just wanted to be a friend, but she was a wreck last evening, due to stress, and I just could not do it. I might just wait for the weekend, when she has had the chance to actually get a good nights sleep and a good meal before I do anything.

[CleanCut]

Yes, but she lacks that certain "drive" that I find attractive. Her idea of a great weekend is curling up under a blanket, playing video games. My idea of a great weekend is to be out and about exploring new places.

Damn man, she sounds like my kind of girl. You can ship her over to me here in the US and that will solve both our problems

[Hooo!]

haha so you have that cute smart sexy video playing girl who likes to stay at home and cuddle at weekends
and you are not interested?
and you are sure you are not gay?

im only joking, but your having quite a first world problem?
If you can avoid talking to her about it and you are the oppinion that if you do avoid it, she can concentrate on her finals
then let her do that first and talk to her after.
If she cant concentrate anyhow then just be honest with her.
Its not that you dont like her, its just that you dont feel aynthing much for her in that regard like you just said.
For her you could be gay - considering your lack of enthusiam regarding her sexual personality.

however if you tell her you must make it emotionally clear to her that you are really not interested. Be vary that she isnt staying in love with you for all the time - forgetting to live her own life. You should watch out for her as her friend.

[lovebroken]

[MENTION=85295]Hagbard[/MENTION] You must always remember plenty of women along with men as well, not related to any one gender - Play and manipulate others when they feel things might not be going their way, you might be being played now. It is NOT your fault she was a wreck, I wouldn't be shocked that she knows you are not into her that way and she won't give you the chance to say so, there will always be some drama or neediness on her part that will make the good guy in you not tell her and she sits back and smiles at how well she is playing this. Lately I don't trust people, they seem selfish and not so well meaning, you have to see people for how and who they really are and sometimes the best thing to do is take care of YOU.