He "needs some time alone". What does that mean for guys?

[lovemenot]

I think I got dumped. For the first time ever (until now I was always the one ending the relationship). Yesterday.

I say "I think" because he said he needs some time alone to process everything. He then wrote me a long long letter, which to sum up is like this:

1. There has been a lot of changes in his life recently and in mine too, but fewer. And it's a lot for him to handle right now, so he said he needs at least some time alone to think things trough.

2. He also has some doubts about me and he said he is afraid to fut the effort and time and get hurt in the end. And this is because when we started seeing each other about six weeks ago we were both basically cheating on our partners (we were both in relationships with other people). And I totally understand him, because I have same fears about him. Well I HAD them, now the fear became the reality and I am deeply hurt.

3. he is also a complicated guy and a bit depressive and he said that all the changes (new studies/ moved back in with his parents, due to low scholarship/ left his gf after 3 years together, 2 of which they lived together/ started a new relationship with me) all happened so quickly that only now he started to realize everything what happened.

4.And also that he feels worse and worse everyday about what he did to his ex. He said she spend 3 years of her life with him and sacrificed so much and he treated her so horribly (basically cheated on her, though we weren't intimate until we broke off our previous relationships) and that he broke her heart and hurt her terribly and he blames himself for that a lot and feels really shitty about himself now and because of that he treats me worse and worse...

5. also he wrote that he is thinking way too much about me and our relationship and isn't thinking at all about studying, which is extremely important at this stage of his life, because he is basically changing his careers and a lot of the future depends on these studies. And he blames himself for spending too much time thinking about us and not focusing on studying..

I then wrote him a very long letter back explaining how I was also trying to protect myself from being hurt and explaining how I really feel about him and our relationship and I spilled everything, which he thanked me for and said he didn't even realize before how strongly I feel about him. But he still needs at least some time alone..

We are meeting up on monday again (we are studying together) and should talk about all this. And I am scared to death of what he might say..

Do you guys think there is still a chance to save our relationship or does all of this sound too much and I shouldn't hope for anything..? Cuz i can't think clearly at all..

[Hooo!]

when a man needs time alone he usually does need some time to think
not that you cant help him at his thought process, but he just needs some time alone.
You could offer him to maybe take a walk with you for an hour or so on saturday. See how far hes come in his thinking. Give new input
Maybe that helps?

there is a chance for everything.
Either he realises that he indeed wants to stay with you to work things out
or he realises he doesnt want.

id try to help him with this thought process - but maybe he doesnt want that.


while writing this i notice that i cant really give any usefull input. so im just leaving this here.

[lovemenot]

thanks Hooo! I did give him some input in the letter I wrote him explaining my side of everything and how I feel about him and us and I said he can have as much time as he needs and that I won't pressure him. So I don't think it's a good idea to offer to meet or to even contact him during this time... I really don't want to pressure him and all I can really do is to wait...

But I just feel so horrible right now, I have no idea what to do with myself. One moment I convince myself that everything will be ok and that he will realize that he wants to be with me (he did say he still likes me a lot and still feels things for me)...but then the next moment I get so mad at him for treating me like this and for putting me through all this, though it's not intentional I know and it's not his fault and then I feel so sad and miserable and empty inside and I imagine us meeting and him saying that after all he doesn't want to continue our relationship and I feel such pain and then I get mad at myself for falling for him so fast and so strongly and for messing it all up....I am just going insane and need to vent a little....

[Hooo!]

well you can always try to help him and be with him for some few hours if hed like

he can say no.

If you make an offer with a yes no possibility he can pick either.
I wouldnt just wait.
BTW. you can make your own toughts about how you want your future to be too!

[lovemenot]

Thank you Hooo! you always respond to my posts and help a lot :] clearly I am not as good in relationships as I thought I was...

And I clearly know what I want my future to be regarding him. But I don't think I can make him stay with me if he doesn't want that...

But I didn't want to just sit and wait without even saying anything, so I wrote him that very very long letter, saying everything I had to say and breaking down all the walls I've built to protect myself and I showed him my naked soul and clearly said what I feel for him and that I want us to be together and that I want to work on our relationship.
And that I too feel that it is a risk giving how bumpy our first month was, but I am willing to take that risk because for me he is worth all of this...
And in front of him I am totally vulnerable right now, and I haven't been like this with anyone for a very very long time...and I told him that either.

And then he said he did't even think I had such strong feelings towards him (oh those damn walls I was building up so carefully..) and he actually enjoyed me opening up so much and reading all of that, but that he still needs at least minimum time alone to think through all that happened.

And I feel like I already said all I could and maybe I shouldn't bother him these couple of days since few times he said he wanted time alone. And I am also scared like hell to hear what I don't want to hear...

[Hooo!]

Thank you Hooo! you always respond to my posts and help a lot :] clearly I am not as good in relationships as I thought I was...

And I clearly know what I want my future to be regarding him. But I don't think I can make him stay with me if he doesn't want that...

no you cant

but my point being is that you can offer to help finding out what he wants

and wether or not he wants to have time alone is up to him not to you.
if you offer to take a stroll in the evening and talk a little for an hour then it is his decision to say no.
not yours.

[lovebroken]

To me that almost always means, they don't want to be involved anymore, something is bothering them, they want a change or even met another ( sometimes, not always) and have for the most part checked out of whatever situation. I've had a version of this said to me before too and they basically were saying they moved on and I should too.

[lovemenot]

Thank you for sharing [MENTION=77017]lovebroken[/MENTION]

that's what I am afraid of the most - that he's checked out of the relationship already and was just trying to let me down easy...
I know what was bothering him about the relationship and about my behavior, I am just worried he didn't say anything earlier and held it in until he couldn't take it anymore and now it is already too late for me to even try to fix anything and it doesn't even matter what I say or do, he's already made up his mind..

I know for sure he didn't meet anyone new, might only be a slight chance that he wants to get back with his ex, but I doubt that really..
And I am so deeply in love with him and so broken right now and just really really want to make it work, but am so scared I screwed up everything already and it's too late now and I just don't know what to do...

And we still have over six months left of studying together. And I am (so is he) basically changing my career paths with this course so it's extremely important and I should totally focus on it, but I can't even imagine going to classes and seeing him everyday and not being able to be with him and pretending that everything is ok, while in the meantime I am dying inside...