Confused

[Happygolucky20]

Hi there,

Hoping someone might have some useful advice to share about my current situation.

About 7 weeks ago I 'met' s guy alone. It wasn't a dating site, just social media and neither of us were looking to date. We live at opposite ends of the UK but with flights it's not too big of a deal. After connecting really well (humour, interests, life views etc) we both agreed it would be good to meet when I holidayed where he lived shortly - just as a back story I am planning to move to his area in the next year or so (before I even met him, so not related) After a few weeks of almost daily FaceTime and messages/phone calls etc it became clear we both liked each other a lot. The sexual chemistry also there. All going great until about a week ago when he suddenly became more 'busy' and seemed distant. He also seemed quite down which was unusual so I queried with him what the issue was etc and in short he ended up saying he didn't like the vibe now and was unsure about us. That his heart said I was lovely and give it a go, but his head said if there are problems already then what hope is there. The next day he said he thought we'd be better as friends as he could promise to be great at anything else, he wasn't good enough for me, and he knew he was blowing hot and cold which wasn't fair on me. So I replied that okay that's fine, but he was good enough etc but it was his choice and I just told him I'd enjoyed getting to know him and sorry it didn't work out.

I assumed that'd be the end of it, but he then said it wasn't me he didn't want, it was the 'virtual' communication that wasn't working for him due to timing, misinterpretation etc but he wanted to meet still and see if chemistry in person could be good enough to give it a go and he thought after meeting we'd better 'get' each other. I'm not sure this is really possible, but I'm happy to meet as it was only meant to be a see how it goes thing anyway. Plus worst case there's a few weeks of ambiguity then I'll know either way.

But I'm still a bit confused as to if this is a game or he's trying to be nice or actually believes what he's saying? I don't think he's a bad guy, but I have been naive in the past and regretted it. I do wonder if his low self esteem has something to do with his change of heart as a few times he was really excited and then said 'but what if you don't like me' etc.

Anyone had any experience like this?

[shrah25]

Hi [MENTION=85336]Happygolucky20[/MENTION] - thanks for your message.

This is actually an experience that I went through in my own life. After briefly meeting a women in a bar once during my travels, we ended up communicating over Skype for about 9 months until I decided to go and spend some time with her properly in person. The really interesting thing was that the chemistry we had virtually, had just diminished massively when we were in person after a week or so. It wasn't that we didn't find each other attractive, it's just when you actually spend time with someone on a physical level, there is a completely different energy than on a virtual level. Thankfully we had this experience because otherwise we would have continued on in fantasy world and potentially make a really big mistake.

Now why do I tell you this? Because it's important to be real about the situation. Virtual connections, whilst great, only scratch the surface and you only truly get a grasp of a connection once you spend quality time physically. Hence, he's actually doing you a real service here by opening up the idea of meeting in person because this is the only way that you will really know whether you both gel.

As far as games goes, it's hard to say. He could be genuine here and wanting to meet you in person to see what the connection is. He could be just wanting sex. He could have some insecurities but because I don't have enough info here, I can't be certain of what is going through his head.

The fact that he's not listening to his heart is something that isn't ideal for him because I truly believe the heart always knows.

Question - if you were to visit him, would you stay at his place?

[Happygolucky20]

Hi [MENTION=85336]Happygolucky20[/MENTION] - thanks for your message.

This is actually an experience that I went through in my own life. After briefly meeting a women in a bar once during my travels, we ended up communicating over Skype for about 9 months until I decided to go and spend some time with her properly in person. The really interesting thing was that the chemistry we had virtually, had just diminished massively when we were in person after a week or so. It wasn't that we didn't find each other attractive, it's just when you actually spend time with someone on a physical level, there is a completely different energy than on a virtual level. Thankfully we had this experience because otherwise we would have continued on in fantasy world and potentially make a really big mistake.

Now why do I tell you this? Because it's important to be real about the situation. Virtual connections, whilst great, only scratch the surface and you only truly get a grasp of a connection once you spend quality time physically. Hence, he's actually doing you a real service here by opening up the idea of meeting in person because this is the only way that you will really know whether you both gel.

As far as games goes, it's hard to say. He could be genuine here and wanting to meet you in person to see what the connection is. He could be just wanting sex. He could have some insecurities but because I don't have enough info here, I can't be certain of what is going through his head.

The fact that he's not listening to his heart is something that isn't ideal for him because I truly believe the heart always knows.

Question - if you were to visit him, would you stay at his place?

Thanks for your response- it's very enlightening! Well before it all went a bit weird the plan was to meet for a drink/meal etc then if we got on, I'd spend an evening at his to get to know him 1-1 (as I'm holidaying with a friend). Maybe that lends itself to him just wanting sex... but my thought was he could have just kept sweet talking for a couple more weeks if that's all he wanted?? I'd be none the wiser.

Communication is a bit weird now...with him chatting as normal then suddenly having to go...which in itself is fine, but the fact there's sometimes not even a goodbye I find odd now. My mind starts wondering if there's someone else on the scene. He's explicitly said no that's not the case before, and I've got no right to take offence at that, as were not an item, but I'd rather know where I stand. I see subtle hints of affection every now and then from him (used to be constant) but the sudden change even within the space of a hour unnerves me a bit!

[Hooo!]

The dude must realise the following:
It is his decision if he likes you.
However it is not his decision if he is enough for you. It is also not his decision wether you like him or love him or dislike him.
He therefore cannot and should not make decision based on what he is thinking that you are thinking (thats stupid!).

Maybe he is prejudiced to the whole skype/long distance thing. Many people have the believe that such relationships simply cant work out (which is wrong, as I have proven personally).
Maybe he is missing physical contact. Maybe he doesnt like himself.
However all of the above are stupid reasons not to do your very best to be with someone you like.

If he doesnt like you - thats another matter entirely.
But if he does and there are no other reasons on HIS side, then it should not be his decision to end a relationship.
He can vocie his doubts - ok. However if you tell him seriously (and are honest with it) that you want all of the things he is unsure about, then it is your decision.

I can relate because it is a matter of not liking yourself enough to believe that other people can like you with all your errors and wanna be with you.
And accepting that and additionally accepting and liking yourself is difficult for some people. Mostly to those people who are actually reflecting themselves and therefor are usually decent persons. But that is getting us carried away here.

[shrah25]

Thanks for your response- it's very enlightening! Well before it all went a bit weird the plan was to meet for a drink/meal etc then if we got on, I'd spend an evening at his to get to know him 1-1 (as I'm holidaying with a friend). Maybe that lends itself to him just wanting sex... but my thought was he could have just kept sweet talking for a couple more weeks if that's all he wanted?? I'd be none the wiser.

Communication is a bit weird now...with him chatting as normal then suddenly having to go...which in itself is fine, but the fact there's sometimes not even a goodbye I find odd now. My mind starts wondering if there's someone else on the scene. He's explicitly said no that's not the case before, and I've got no right to take offence at that, as were not an item, but I'd rather know where I stand. I see subtle hints of affection every now and then from him (used to be constant) but the sudden change even within the space of a hour unnerves me a bit!

Hi there

No problems at all.
I think the truth of this all is that, you can never quite be sure of what's going in his mind right now. It could be a virtual thing, it could be someone else, it could be an issue at his end - it's all really speculation to be perfectly honest. The most important thing here is that you try not to make it be about you. The tendency can be to replay everything in your mind and then go down the 'toilet' of negative thought patterns. Treat the situation for what it is - a bit of a dialogue over the net - but until you actually meet him in person, then just see it for what it is. No better, no worse.

Personally, he seems a little 'all over the show' and it may not be a great fit - However - I don't see any harm in catching up with him for a casual drink or something like that but try and go into the situation with an open mind and with minimal expectation and attachment to a result. That way, you can be as objective as you can and then allow the outcome to unfold in the way it should.

What are the next steps for you?

[TheEvilJester]

I would just say this.... Based on what you've shared, my educated guess would be he probably is just no longer interested and is trying to let you down easy. ....BUT..... the important thing is that is an educated GUESS. Meaning I'm not a mind-reader, so I can't know what he is thinking, especially based on only the little evidence you have.

My gut tells me that if it was really just the distance thing making him have second thoughts that he'd have told you that. Especially considering you mentioned you two already had plans (albeit maybe they were tentative at the time) to spend some time in person soon. Instead, he chose to give you these other excuses and sort of awkwardly break it off but not break it off. Again, that leans me toward thinking he's no longer interested... OR possibly that he is only interested in sex.

That doesn't mean I am right, though. He could just have been 100% honest with you, that what he said is exactly the truth. That the long distance thing just doesn't work for him and he doesn't want to string you along if he feels like it isn't going to work out.

I guess since you can't really know, then it is up to you if you feel it is worth it to give him a chance anyway. I would say if you decide you want to keep trying anyway, do so with sort of the assumption that it probably isn't going to work out. I'm not saying you go into it half-hearted. Still give it your full attention and an honest try just as you would any potential relationship, but I'm just saying don't allow your hopes to get too high. I figure this way, if it DOES turn out that it just doesn't work, at least you were somewhat expecting that. On the other hand, if it actually DOES wind up going really well, the you can continue to see how it goes from there.

Good luck to you either way.

[Happygolucky20]

We'll worry no more! He just told me (despite saying yesterday he's looking forward to meeting me) that actually he started dating someone else a few days ago... nice one! So won't be meeting me.

[TheEvilJester]

Sorry to hear that. That stinks. Was he dating her the whole time he was giving you all this nonsense about wanting to break it off with you.... yet not wanting to break it off with you? Or was this a more recent development?

Either way, at least he was honest with you now and at least you found this out sooner rather than later. Now you can move on and find somebody else. I wish it went a little better for you, but heck.... silver lining, at least you didn't get in deeper before this happened. You'll find somebody. Sometimes this is just the way dating goes. You have to sift through a bunch of duds before you finally find your winner.

Good luck to you.

[Happygolucky20]

Thanks! Yes good to know before we met! He's now not even talking to me which is a bit daft, but I guess that's his way of cutting ties. If he'd just been honest when he said he wasn't sure and we should just be friends and not strung me along...we probably could have been lol

[TheEvilJester]

Yeah. That's his loss, though. He could have/should have just been honest with you. You're right. Had he been honest, maybe you could have been friends. I mean, maybe still not. Maybe it would still have just been best for you to part ways.... but at least then you could have respected his honesty and thought well of him even if it didn't work out. Instead, he chose to string you along, either because he selfishly wanted to try to get something out of the "relationship" or because, in his own cowardly way, he thought he was "letting you down easily."

If I a live to be a million years old (and with the cruel world we live in, I probably will) I will still NEVER understand why in the Hell people think that sort of thing is letting somebody down easily. That sort of crap only hurts more in the long run, because unlike what they seem to THINK it will do (ease you gradually into accepting that they are not interested) it just prolongs the time where part of you thinks maybe with some patience and perseverance there COULD be something special there. It just keeps you hanging on longer when you should be letting go.

Anyway, it's a moot point now. At least he was finally honest with you. He could have just kept leading you on until you finally had enough and left. Small favors in life, I suppose. LOL! Sometimes you gotta take what you can get. Good luck to you. I hope you find somebody great very soon.