Relationship advice needed

[CremeEgg80]

Hi I'm new here and I have been having a few relationship issues this week and need some impartial advice. Sorry It's a bit long 

I have been with my boyfriend now for 18 months we do not live together. This week tues, I was involved in a car accident, and it has made me have concerns and doubts about our relationship. I wasn't injured I was upset and shook up, I spoke to my boyfriend on the phone who offered to come out of work to help get my car back home but I declined as I knew he had a lot on at work. When I spoke to him I was very upset. It is now Saturday and I have not seen my boyfriend since before the accident. I asked if he wanted to come over that night after the accident but he said he was going to have a games night, meaning staying at home playing on his PlayStation, I was obviously a bit distraught at this to be honest and would have at least expected a phone call, but I just got a text later on saying night. He text the next day asking if I was ok, I said I was and left it at that because yes I was a bit upset with him. Next day he text again asking if I was ok and said he got the impression I was being off with him because my texts were short and to the point. Anyway it got to Friday and i couldn't hold back any longer I told him on the phone why I was upset, if he wasn't going to come and see me I thought he would have at least rung, he said he has a lot on at work and I asked why he couldn't have rung me later after he's been home from work a few hours i got very upset I screamed like a looney asking if I was expecting too much wanting support and comfort from my boyfriend in this situation. Phone call ended and I rang him back an hour later when I had calmed down because I did not want to go to bed feeling like I felt. I have asked him a few times now if he wants out and he says not. I was supposed to be seeing him tonight But he text to say his mate was going round to watch boxing, I was like are you serious I haven't seen you since before the accident, and we haven't discussed face to face what's been happening this week I was fuming so yet another argument broke out. He doesn't seem to see why I am upset by all this, he also now said he doesn't get any time to himself, he does have a daughter, so she takes up some of his time but she does go to bed for 8 and I don't see him everyday normally there are 2-3 days a week we do not see each other at all. I really need some impartial advice I don't know what to do for the best. Am I being unreasonable? I'm just feel so low down oh his priority list right now.

[shrah25]

Hi I'm new here and I have been having a few relationship issues this week and need some impartial advice. Sorry It's a bit long 

I have been with my boyfriend now for 18 months we do not live together. This week tues, I was involved in a car accident, and it has made me have concerns and doubts about our relationship. I wasn't injured I was upset and shook up, I spoke to my boyfriend on the phone who offered to come out of work to help get my car back home but I declined as I knew he had a lot on at work. When I spoke to him I was very upset. It is now Saturday and I have not seen my boyfriend since before the accident. I asked if he wanted to come over that night after the accident but he said he was going to have a games night, meaning staying at home playing on his PlayStation, I was obviously a bit distraught at this to be honest and would have at least expected a phone call, but I just got a text later on saying night. He text the next day asking if I was ok, I said I was and left it at that because yes I was a bit upset with him. Next day he text again asking if I was ok and said he got the impression I was being off with him because my texts were short and to the point. Anyway it got to Friday and i couldn't hold back any longer I told him on the phone why I was upset, if he wasn't going to come and see me I thought he would have at least rung, he said he has a lot on at work and I asked why he couldn't have rung me later after he's been home from work a few hours i got very upset I screamed like a looney asking if I was expecting too much wanting support and comfort from my boyfriend in this situation. Phone call ended and I rang him back an hour later when I had calmed down because I did not want to go to bed feeling like I felt. I have asked him a few times now if he wants out and he says not. I was supposed to be seeing him tonight But he text to say his mate was going round to watch boxing, I was like are you serious I haven't seen you since before the accident, and we haven't discussed face to face what's been happening this week I was fuming so yet another argument broke out. He doesn't seem to see why I am upset by all this, he also now said he doesn't get any time to himself, he does have a daughter, so she takes up some of his time but she does go to bed for 8 and I don't see him everyday normally there are 2-3 days a week we do not see each other at all. I really need some impartial advice I don't know what to do for the best. Am I being unreasonable? I'm just feel so low down oh his priority list right now.

Hi [MENTION=85364]CremeEgg80[/MENTION]

Firstly, sorry to hear about the car accident. I hope you are feeling ok about it now and glad it wasn't anything too major.

The situation you are referring to is not uncommon. Yes, everyone's circumstances are slightly different but the actual patterns of behaviour are common.

Now just to put your mind at ease, no, you aren't being reasonable. It's totally understandable that you would want attention, love and affection during an event such as a car accident. Where this is going wrong is the miscommunication that is happening.

There are major differences between the ways that men and women communicate. For example, when you declined his offer to help with the car, he genuinely believes you are ok because you said it was ok. He doesn't realise that underneath that declined offer was a part of you that actually wanted him to turn up and help. Yes, he should have been wiser to what was going on but, in fairness, most guys miss the point!

So after this happened, he probably felt that everything was actually ok and hence, he failed to make the effort that you desired of him.

Now, guys are actually quite perceptive. When you're sending those short, sharp messages, he knows somethings wrong but he doesn't specifically know what it is and when that happens, he immediately feels the need to back off because guys hate drama in their relationship. I'm not in any way saying that he hasn't done anything wrong here - i'm just saying that he's generally oblivious to what's going on.

Then as soon as further arguments occur, he wants to run for the hills because the arguments make him feel like he is being criticised. For a man, criticism is like cancer.

So anyway, in terms of the situation, just so i'm clear - you want to know how you can become more of a priority in his life?

Thanks

[CremeEgg80]

Thank you for the advice Shrah25. I am glad you responded to me as I really need unbiased advice when all I get from my family is dump him he doesn't care. I am ok physically I have just been abit of an emotional wreck this week, more so because of this added complication. Normally I don't have a problem with where I come on his priority list, in the past he had told me to not keep anything bothering me bottled up, talk to him about it and as soon as I do I feel like he has not been there for me in the way I would expect. I'm disappointed and hurt and I do not know how to move on in this situation without getting so upset because I care so much. I do want a good outcome after all this and that is why I am here I know I get upset and don't handle things I'm the best way. I'm worried if I need him again in another situation this will happen again. I don't want to be that needy girlfriend that blokes run from and I am not normally like this. I am supposed to be seeing him tomorrow but I'm my eyes that's far too late after everything that has happened, I don't want to be funny with him but I really don't know how not to be when I feel like this.

[shrah25]

Thank you for the advice Shrah25. I am glad you responded to me as I really need unbiased advice when all I get from my family is dump him he doesn't care. I am ok physically I have just been abit of an emotional wreck this week, more so because of this added complication. Normally I don't have a problem with where I come on his priority list, in the past he had told me to not keep anything bothering me bottled up, talk to him about it and as soon as I do I feel like he has not been there for me in the way I would expect. I'm disappointed and hurt and I do not know how to move on in this situation without getting so upset because I care so much. I do want a good outcome after all this and that is why I am here I know I get upset and don't handle things I'm the best way. I'm worried if I need him again in another situation this will happen again. I don't want to be that needy girlfriend that blokes run from and I am not normally like this. I am supposed to be seeing him tomorrow but I'm my eyes that's far too late after everything that has happened, I don't want to be funny with him but I really don't know how not to be when I feel like this.

HI [MENTION=85364]CremeEgg80[/MENTION]

My pleasure. I'm glad that everything is ok physically :-)

Unfortunately, when our expectations don't meet our reality, then we feel pain. That's totally natural but you have to decide whether you want to approach this in a much more effective and less painful way.
I know this sounds like an obvious choice, but in life, there are always two choices - the path of pain or the path of happiness. Only you can decide which one you truly wish to go for.

Having said all of that, I totally know how difficult it is to shift those negative thoughts and feelings but there are some really good practical steps that you can take that will allow you to make small strides forward and put you in a better emotional place to make quality decisions with your situation.

If you would like, feel free to send me an email to sri@srcoaching.co.nz and i'll happily send some free resources that will help you out.

Take Care

[Hooo!]

Well I agree that boys and girls communicate differently

But if a girl explains that she is upset with her man and if she screams at said man
And then he ditches her to watch boxing with his buddy... it would tell me he is either
Stupid or doesn't care
Both are things I personally would not stand
But that is for the op to decide