Am I making a big deal out of nothing?

[max1114]

OK ,here's my deal. I'm dating a married woman who still lives with her husband. The marriage is over , He knows about me and knows she's moving out and getting a place with me. She's stuck living there for now because finding a place is tough where she lives , there is a waiting list for apartments and there is the distance issue between me and her , we live several hours apart and its going to take me a little while to get things together and move there. Now here's the issue, he still demands sex from her. he says while she lives there its owed to him. And she submits to him. She is dealing with a very controlling , immature , unreasonable person who will make her life miserable there unless she does what he asks. On one hand , I tell myself its no big deal, she's doing what she has to until she's out of there. On the other hand, this is so infuriating to me! I tell her to say no , just refuse, she shouldn't have to do anything she doesn't want to do. But she says its no big deal, means nothing and makes her life easier if she just lets him do it. Like I said , he makes her life miserable if he doesn't get his way , I've seen proof of this. So , am I making a big deal out of nothing here? I really love this woman , and I really believe she loves me, but this drives me nuts and don't know if this is something I should be worried about. Leads me to believe that maybe there is more going on between them than she lets on, or am I just being insecure? Just don't know if I should stay and deal with this or walk away because this is a sign of problems ahead.

[CleanCut]

That's certainly not cool by me, if they truly are divorced then the relationship as well as the sex should be over. If she is still having sex with him then, she is not being true to you and still has feeling for her ex despite anything she says. I certainly would not date or let a woman move in with me if she was doing this; that is just ridiculous. Man up and take control of the situation; either she stops doing her ex or dump her.

[Hooo!]

he demands sex from her. And she submits to him. he will make her life miserable there unless she does what he asks.

stopped reading there

thats rape

[CleanCut]

I's not rape if she is giving in and allows it to happen. She is the problem and needs to refuse.

[pcmaster]

Its okay, we all had a GF who lives with her ex and gives sex to him. Besides dont be jealous. I heared in radio that mans penis is in perfect shape to suck previous male sperm out of vagina.

But if serious better dump the girl before you become mentally disabled because of this.

[Hooo!]

I's not rape if she is giving in and allows it to happen. She is the problem and needs to refuse.

so if i blackmail a girl to have sex with me
and she consents and does not refuse
thats no rape?


He is going to make her situation hell if she doesnt sleep with him.
Rape is defined as forcing someone to have sex with you.
i dont see the difference between that and pointing your gun at her face.

[CleanCut]

so if i blackmail a girl to have sex with me
and she consents and does not refuse
thats no rape?


He is going to make her situation hell if she doesnt sleep with him.
Rape is defined as forcing someone to have sex with you.
i dont see the difference between that and pointing your gun at her face.

That sounds a little extreme, but yea pretty much. The fact of the matter is if you are dating a girl that is doing someone else for any reason, then she is disrespecting you and you don't really have a relationship with her then and should just end it and move on to find someone more respectful.

[TheEvilJester]

In my personal opinion....

No... No you are NOT wrong in not being okay with this. My gut reaction hearing this is one of three very un-flattering possibilities...

A) She's lying to you. She still has feelings for him and is sleeping with him because she WANTS to do so.
B) She doesn't want to sleep with him.... but willingly gives in anyway because he would otherwise make her life miserable.
C) She doesn't want to sleep with him.... but actually fears for her safety/emotional well-being/etc. and does so out of being forced, but not willingly.... but chooses to tell you that she is doing it willingly.

With option A, I think the possible complications should be pretty obvious. With option B, I would wonder what kind of messed up lack of a spine this woman has. Would she ever stick up for herself in any aspect of her life? Does she just let everybody walk all over her? You'd likely be left feeling like her parent, not her partner, because you'd have to basically baby her in life. Our partner in life should be somebody with whom we can enjoy the good times... but also somebody we can count on in the bad. With option B, I'd find it doubtful she could ever be there for anybody.

Option C is straight up rape, no matter how she wants to try to deny it. In which case, she needs help, possibly in the form of the authorities. Unfortunately, you can't really know unless there is some kind of proof. You certainly shouldn't report rape unless you have reason enough to believe it is true.

Anyway, I have to be honest.... on this one I am sort of stumped on the question of what should you do next. After all, you can't really know which is the case. Your course of action may be very different depending upon the specifics of the situation, but all you can really do is assume she's being honest. I guess maybe talk to her about how this makes you feel. How, you understand if it is difficult for her to move right now, but she shouldn't let anybody force her into something she doesn't want.

It does sound like you've kind of already done that, though. So, I'm not sure. I hope, at least, we've helped you to put things in perspective a little. I'm not sure what to suggest as your next course of action, but I wish you the best in whatever that may be. Good luck.