Should I be worried?

[JenB]

I just tried to post this and it seems to have not worked so I hope I'm not double posting this. I'm new here and looking for advice.
I've been with my boyfriend for about a year and a half and we live together. He's always had plenty of female friends and I haven't been bothered by it because he's open about these relationships and I trust him. But recently I saw a new girl's name pop up on his phone. I was curious and checked out her Facebook. He has liked selfies of hers from a few months ago so I know he's been talking to her for a while. She's very pretty and I was honestly a bit annoyed by the pictures he had liked and by the fact that he had never mentioned her. I have noticed that he texts her and talks to her on Facebook chat a lot.
When I asked who she was he got very defensive and said that he didn't realize he needed to tell me about everyone he meets and accused me of not wanting him to have female friends.
He's also been very protective of his phone and computer. They are both password protected and he has started turning off his computer when I'm going to be alone in the house, which he never did before. He never leaves his phone alone and changes the password often.
I really don't think he's cheating on me or would cheat on me, but the way he's acting about this new girl makes me uncomfortable. Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated.

[eve.ashley]

so, if there is nothing to hide, why can't he let you see his computer and stuff...

i would not trust a bf that hid his stuff from me.

i'm sorry to say this, but his behaviour raises red flags for me...if that was my partner i would assume he is either cheating or emotionally cheating...

also, i find it unacceptable that i do not know my bfs passwords and cannot use his stuff...

this doesn't mean i will ever answer his phone unless he tells me to, or obsessively read his message history on FB, but if he is not doing anything dodgy, why the secrecy...


in an intimate relationship, people share their passes, bit by bit and really, i'm not interested in reading his text messages, but i can if i want to....

i'm sorry girl, but have none of that. have a serous talk with your guy,he is being hurtful to say the least, or suspicious, worst case scenario...

aww wait, maybe i could be off track.

i hope he is simply asserting some juvenile point of needing his privacy...lol

some people think not sharing passes is privacy...

i say who he thinks about when he masturbates is privacy, and we should share passwords...

i'm not saying i demand a list of hiss passwords, with a new bf, it usually happens spontaneously over time...

anyway, a serious talk is long overdue there...

[JenB]

I don't expect to know his passwords but I know what you mean. I used to know his phone and Facebook passwords but not anymore. And now when I do use his computer he erases his history first.

[eve.ashley]

yah. i'm sorry, all of that sounds a bit, like....he is hiding stuff.

i'm really sorry, i hope we are both wrong!

i'm not expecting a password exchange ceremony, , but i found it a natural process in my relationships, after a while we do know each others passes, or i ask if i need his account or computer or phone for some reason then i forget it...

i am really sorry about your suspicions, let's hope they are off base...

[Wakeup]

so, if there is nothing to hide, why can't he let you see his computer and stuff...

Because being in a relationship does not mean that you should have to give up all of your privacy for your partner.

Just having the suspicion that compels you to creep your partners stuff means that there is reason to not be trusting him. Shady behaviour more times then not means that something shady is going on.

Been with the same man for 37 years and I've NEVER felt the need to look at what he's doing on the computer or anything else prior to the WWW coming into affect.

Anyway... it's quite easy to open more then one email account or facebook or any other social media account so if he/she is so inclined then knowing their passwords isn't going to relieve anyone's angst... especially if his/her behaviour has been angst-inducing which this Op's partner definitely has been.

OP: You know that your guy's behaviour is suspect and shady and therefore makes him untrustworthy to you now. He's on a slippery slope and he turns his inappropriate behaviour around on you to try and make you think you're being unreasonable... Sadly, you are not being anything of the sort. Sorry.

[JenB]

After talking to my friends as well everyone seems to agree he's acting shady. But trying to discuss it with him backfired. So now what? I really don't know what I should do.

[eve.ashley]

backfired how? he is denying any foul play?

we can't tell you what to do, you have to do what feels right for you.

i would break it off with a guy who acted that way, and denied it was dodgy, but this is not my relationship.

also, i would not break it off coz there is a great possibility he is cheating, it's the laying that would get me.

also, there is a difference between having friends, and making your gf feel like she is not your priority, and some random new chat buddy, who happens to be hot, popping up....

i also only know what you told me, i do not know all the reasons you are with this guy, good stuff about him.

i'm sure you know what to do, better than what i can tell you.


good luck darling.

[Wakeup]

After talking to my friends as well everyone seems to agree he's acting shady. But trying to discuss it with him backfired. So now what? I really don't know what I should do.

Can you elaborate on what you mean by "backfired" please.

If he turned in around on you again, takes no consideration for your angst about his disrespectful and committed relationship boundary crossing actions then you're better off without him. When you don't have the same relationship boundaries then he'll always be crossing yours and causing unrest within the union.

[JenB]

Sorry, I was referring to the first time I tried to talk to him and he turned it around on me that I mentioned in my original post. I haven't tried again since because I feel like there's no point. I mean where is it going to get us if the conversation gets twisted to be about me? On the other hand, I'm not just going to leave him based on my suspicion alone.

[eve.ashley]

Sorry, I was referring to the first time I tried to talk to him and he turned it around on me that I mentioned in my original post. I haven't tried again since because I feel like there's no point. I mean where is it going to get us if the conversation gets twisted to be about me? On the other hand, I'm not just going to leave him based on my suspicion alone.

this is not a matter of cheating yet.

it's a matter of you, your friends, and all of us on the forum think he is acting in a disrespectful and hurtful way, and, when confronted - he makes it about you, and some fictive jealousy.

you are not suffering a case of fictive jealousy. you have every reason to be worried, and hurt.

literally anyone can cheat and loads of people have, at one period in 40 years, or 5 years, or 3 years of a relationship....

this in itself does not mean they are bad people and should be dumped.

the way he refuses to validate your feelings, doesn't care at all how his behaviour makes you feel, and is simply using a mind fuking technique of trying to make a conversation about how he is making you feel into one of how your "jealousy" is making him feel.

these are deal breakers.

this is not at all about whether he is cheating. irrelevant.

you need to ask yourself how this man and being with him is making you feel, and whether that is something acceptable for you.

[Wakeup]

You're with a man that has not yet realized that his activities that are what lead to emotional and/or physical affairs and if he is unwilling (or too stupid) to want to change his behaviour and his need for attention from other women then it is simply a matter of time before he betrays you either emotionally or physically or both.. Emotional affairs often turn into physical one's if the shinnigans are continued long enough.

Its up to you if you want to discuss relationship boundaries, respect of the relationship and how he disrespects it with his online goings on and how you feel devalued by him when he deflects his piss poor behaviour back on you.

If you love yourself then you will have that conversation and during it you will tell him that you need a boyfriend who has solid tools in place to keep himself faithful and emotionally connected to you. Someone who is still connecting to random woman and carrying on with them does not have those tools just yet.