help guys and let me know !!!!

[Hisdemise18]

Ok so i have been with this guy for almost 11mnths. We never fight and live together. We met at work and now i have a diff job. he works 5pm-1am and i work 11pm-7am. before that we used to spend every night together.

The guy: first, we started sleeping together then he said that he didn't want a relationship and we continued sleeping together. I then moved in after he asked me to. We got a puppy together shortly after. Things have been great as far as i know. But we don't have sex very much anymore. He actually looks at alot of porn online. There's problem #1. Problem #2 is the fact that we just had our first huge fight. He said that it was my fault that he doesn't have any "girl" friends anymore because of me. This all started because i found a rain check from his work in his pocket when i went to get out rent money that said "Rain check on our date tonight Muah <3 Gabby" I know Gabby and i know that he has told me before how ugly she is and stuff. But that pissed me off so when i called his work and heard her flirting with him in the backround i told the girl on the phone to make sure that gabby knew he was taken. Well he overheard the girls talking and it pissed him off that i made sure to get my message across.
Now things are weird. Like i made it up to him by making dinner grovelling for 2 days and kissing his ass. letting him watch sports giving him space. and giving him a candlelight dinner.

Tonight i call and he says that he is hanging out with scott??? I have been with him for almost a year and have never heard him say the name scott! So i went over there and said that i just needed something for work and no one was there but him. So tell me, am i paranoid or is he trying to push me away??

BTW he has introduced me to his family, called me his gf, still sleeps and cuddles with me everyday, gave me a "you're THE ONE" card for my bday, and says he misses me.

But he also lies and says that he went to sleep early when i know for damn sure that he doesn't go to bed early, he doesn't pick up the phone when i call all the time , and he doesn't take me out on dates, or even go to wal-mart with me granted he is a home-body but still. I don't know if he is bored/sick of me or what.


help....

[GrkScorp]

help....

That all depends on what you're willing to hear (read)..,

Did you come here looking for what you "want" to hear?

- You deserve better than that.., someone who loves you
- He sounds like he doesn't care about/love you
- You should dump him/leave him and move on with your life

Or are you more interested in why he may be doing this? (and looking to make things better between the two of you).., if so.., we just need more information to work with.. (more details about him.., patters.., history.., his character.., your interactions together.., things that stand out the most and you remember and think are also important to mention.., etc)

Best,

GrkScorp

[Mish]

The guy: first, we started sleeping together then he said that he didn't want a relationship and we continued sleeping together. I then moved in after he asked me to.

Well, he DID say he doesn't want a relationship, so what do you expect? So this is where you guys are, sleeping together without a relationship. And it will continue to be this way until you have a talk with him about you not being satisfied not having a relationship at which point he will either do you a favor and leave or he will accept you and stop fooling around.

The ball is in your court, you know what to do. Now go out there and do it.

[Hisdemise18]

we are in a relationship NOW and we live together. He has introduced me as his gf to friends and family

[squirrley]

BUT, if you truly were girlfriend material, would he lie? Wouldnt he take you on dates? Wouldnt he want THE relationship? Just sounds like he's getting his cake and eating it too. Plus you've shown and proven jealousy tendancies. Like youre a dog pissing on your territory when you've called work. I wouldnt doubt that would piss him off. It is a nice thing and shows something when he introduces you to his family. But all other characteristics of this guy, no way. He's got a friend with benefits.

[vashti]

Oh my god! Your boyfriend expects you to be cool about him going out on DATES with other people? WTF are you doing still living with him?

[Mish]

we are in a relationship NOW and we live together. He has introduced me as his gf to friends and family

Did you two talk about being exclusive? Using word "exclusive" specifically? If you did then he is seriously breaking the trust and you should start thinking about possible ways out.

It concerns me that he didn't want a relationship with you to begin with. It could be that he's just with you until someone better comes along.

[Hisdemise18]

That is what i am worried about but then why would he give me a "youre the one" card. OK you wanted backround on him, here it is:
he is 32 i am 21.
he has only lived with one other girl and she cheated on him with his brother then once he forgave her she did it again and he walked in both times. I am the only girl since her that he has brought home in 10 years. he loves to stay at home, doesnt like drama avoids it with a passion, he is the ultimate sweetheart. He is known around town as a great guy willing to help out anyone. he says all the time how he doesnt commit to anything but weve been through the whole will you cheat on me convo and i truly believe that he will not cheat. He is a flirt but he does it so that he still knows that he has it. he calls me momma because we have our puppy who is truly like a child. i wonder if the stress of realizing that we are so serious has hit him and he doesn't want to get hurt again so hes confused on wether to back off or push forward. there are times when i talk about the future and hell say that sounds great other times he is like well see. and when we had our convo about cheating he made it clear that we were exclusive. Now here is the twist, last night the whole scott thing that i told you all about, there were no dialed calls out and no incoming calls at all so how did he get ahold of this scott? Do you all think that it was a test like i do? I think he is testing me. Also what should i do about the internet porn?~?~?~?~~ its every night. and i mean i know for sure he leaves the history on my computer. help again?

[IndiReloaded]

Mish & GS you two are full of shit.

She's living w/him & he lies and sleeps w/her & says he doesn't want to be in a relationship. Dates other ppl?

He sucks. That's all she needs to know about HIM. There's no 'why' to anything as far as HIS reasons go.

As to why SHE'S being a doormat, that's her issue, but she can figure that out best without him.

Stop being a doormat & break up darling, he's no good.

[IndiReloaded]

That is what i am worried about but then why would he give me a "youre the one" card. OK you wanted backround on him, here it is:
he is 32 i am 21.
he has only lived with one other girl and she cheated on him with his brother then once he forgave her she did it again and he walked in both times. I am the only girl since her that he has brought home in 10 years. he loves to stay at home, doesnt like drama avoids it with a passion, he is the ultimate sweetheart. He is known around town as a great guy willing to help out anyone. he says all the time how he doesnt commit to anything but weve been through the whole will you cheat on me convo and i truly believe that he will not cheat. He is a flirt but he does it so that he still knows that he has it. he calls me momma because we have our puppy who is truly like a child. i wonder if the stress of realizing that we are so serious has hit him and he doesn't want to get hurt again so hes confused on wether to back off or push forward. there are times when i talk about the future and hell say that sounds great other times he is like well see. and when we had our convo about cheating he made it clear that we were exclusive. Now here is the twist, last night the whole scott thing that i told you all about, there were no dialed calls out and no incoming calls at all so how did he get ahold of this scott? Do you all think that it was a test like i do? I think he is testing me. Also what should i do about the internet porn?~?~?~?~~ its every night. and i mean i know for sure he leaves the history on my computer. help again?

Stop asking about HIS reasons. You're too concerned about HIM. He's manipulating you emotionally, and you are letting him. He's using you & you're letting him. His bad, but you are letting him. Get it?

You're young & have been taken for a ride. Don't beat yourself up over it, happens. But learn the lesson & leave asap.

[GrkScorp]

Mish & GS you two are full of shit.

Interesting.., asking for more information is all of a sudden being full of "sh*t".., no doubt the manners of an older and more polite generation..

Anyway.., I don't think Mish said anything "wrong".., again.., what is right and what is wrong is not always something that fits perfectly side-to-side with what someone wants to hear.., nobody needs to come onto a forum to hear "you should leave him and find someone else who respects you!".., that's generic advice she can hear from her mother.., girlfriends.., etc..

The reason I was asking.., goes beyond putting a band-aid on the immediate situation.., I believe that what you accept and tolerate in your life.., is directly a result of who you are and how you feel about yourself..

There ARE women out there.., who genuinely feel that they can't do much better than the guy they are with.., that genuinely can't expect to be happy.., that are in a comforable.., safe.., and secure position right now.., and wouldn't dare leave from it.., even if it means that staying in this relationship will continue to mean her needs & wants are neglected and left unsatisfied.., even if it means that as every second goes by.., she is subjecting herself to the radical idea that she is not worthy of being loved for who she is.., even if it means that she will have to slowly accept the idea that she is nothing more valuable to this man than an option.., there are women out there who would choose to stay with that man.., for no other reason.., other than not being fully aware.., deep down inside.., of their own value and worth.., not just (word/spoken/ego-trip/fake/pretend value).., not the value that you "defend" yourself verbally by saying "i'm so worth it".., no.., REAL value.., true value.., actual inner worth.., personal strength..

The mistake these women do.., is they stay in this kind of "wrong" relationship.., and instead.., think "i'm a strong woman.., i'm going to show him.., it's not going to be this way anymore.., i'm going to fix things!"..,

A strong person.., doesn't find use for words.., words are meaningless.., it's useless for this person to make demands.., or use guilt and complain about things.., needs & wants are either met.., and if they're not.., then that person gets up.., ends things.., and leaves.. She has nothing to "lose".., afterall.., the fact that "she chose" to walk because of her needs & wants not being satisfied and respected.., in and of itself demonstrates that she is worth more than what the other person was offering or giving to her..

One way to go about letting someone see that.., is to say it directly.., "girl.., leave him! you deserve better! blah blah".., the way I feel is more powerful.., meaningful.., and long-lasting.., is allowing for someone to come to realize all those things on their own.., without explicitly saying them.., obviously.., not everyone can take that mind-leap and think a couple of steps ahead.., so you end up with objection to what was more or less the same goal and intention in the end.., by both Mish.., Indi.., and myself..

The way to do that.., is not come on some site.., or go talk to some person.., only to have them "tell you" what to do.., that doesn't get you anywhere.. "you deserve better!" (oh really? gee thanks Captain Obvious.., I feel so much better now.., I don't know what I would have done without you.., perhaps tell myself the same thing as I continued to stay with him?).., You don't need to hear generic or vague "support" phrases from anyone.., what you need.., is to ask yourself some important questions: (be honest.., we don't care.., these questions are for you and for you alone.., all serious questions to really REALLY give some thought and think about)

- Who are you.., what about you makes you.., YOU?
- Do you feel you have much to offer someone else in a relationship?
- What are all those things?
- Do you offer those things to your partner?
- How much do you love & respect yourself?
- Do you feel you are worthy of love & respect from others?
- Do you feel there can be true love without "mutual" love & respect?
- What is important to you in a relationship?
- Can you imagine being in the perfect relationship?
- What would that feel like? Can you imagine what it would be like?
- As you think about that.., can you imagine how this partner would be like?
- What are all the things he would do.., and things he wouldn't do?
- Of those things.., is there anything different that your current partner does or doesn't do?
- Do you feel that this is just temporary & could change in the long-run?
- No? Do you then feel like it's more of a persistent trend in his behavior?
- How does that make you feel inside when he does or fails to do some things?
- Do you feel it's fair to you to be hurt and feel unloved with no respect?
- Do you feel that you are worth more as a person than to be in this kind of relationship?
- Then why do you continue to tolerate it?

Best,

GrkScorp

[GrkScorp]

Did you two talk about being exclusive? Using word "exclusive" specifically? If you did then he is seriously breaking the trust and you should start thinking about possible ways out.

It concerns me that he didn't want a relationship with you to begin with. It could be that he's just with you until someone better comes along.

Well.., to be fair.., even when i'm casually dating someone.., it's always just someone .., even if it's not a serious relationship yet.., or ever will be.., I have neither a romantic nor sexual relationship with any other girl..

And obviously.., I could care less.., to me it makes no difference.., but it's just out of respect for the other person.., it's being a bit of a hypocrite to imply to someone that "yes.., I like you.., have feelings for you.., and respect you.., BUT.., ehh.., at the same time.., I think it's perfectly fine to be doing things with other people".., some people can rationalize that idea of multiple partners at the same time.., I can't..

Beyond just being fair to her.., i'm being fair to myself.., because I don't believe in that concept.., I wouldn't be able to live with myself even if that same girl got struck by lightning the next second.., there are certain rules and standards.., morals and ethics.., honor and respect that we have to abide by.., and consideration for the self-worth and emotional well-being of the other person.., is one of them..

Then.., it's really not so important if he told her.., "we're exclusive".., or that was left in the open.., she told us some information that CLEARLY implies that this guy was having a romantic relationship with her.., and therefore on his part alone.., should NOT have been having such a relationship with anyone else.. The OP is right when it comes to that.., he's not being considerate or fair to her at all..

What I find frustrating is her willingness to just sit back and try and make this work (which is more or less accepting his lack of respect for her).., and judging from the way she writes and her account of events.., this isn't some dumb bimbo.., and she definitely has to realize a lot of things on her own.., for herself..

But with respect to this guy alone.., he is just inconsiderate and selfish.., looking out for his own pleasure with no respect for the other person.., he's someone with no system of ethics/morals/rules/standards/honor/respect.., and if he's not that kind of person for someone his age.., then she has to consider some very important questions about why she has yet to free herself from someone like him..

Best,

GrkScorp

[vashti]

The fact that he calls you mama is a little disturbing. he doesn't go out - it would require too much effort, and besides, why should he? People do that when they are interested in romance. Who wants to get romantic with "mama"?

Did it ever occur to you that the reason he wouldn't cheat is because he is too lazy and no one has thrown themseves into his lap (yet)?

And before I forget, he is a little too old for you (but he is too lazy to find someone more suitable).

Hun, you can do better. Why don't you?

For the record, I'm totally with indi on this one.

[IndiReloaded]

Interesting.., asking for more information is all of a sudden being full of "sh*t".., no doubt the manners of an older and more polite generation..

Anyway.., I don't think Mish said anything "wrong".., again.., what is right and what is wrong is not always something that fits perfectly side-to-side with what someone wants to hear.., nobody needs to come onto a forum to hear "you should leave him and find someone else who respects you!".., that's generic advice she can hear from her mother.., girlfriends.., etc..

The reason I was asking.., goes beyond putting a band-aid on the immediate situation.., I believe that what you accept and tolerate in your life.., is directly a result of who you are and how you feel about yourself..

You guys were putting the focus on her needing to understand HIM and HIS reasons. That's the wrong focus. NOW you are starting to point in the right direction w/your last post, but not before.

And yes, it IS the prerogative of us 'oldies' to tell you when you're full of it. Whine all you like, but it doesn't make you any more correct. Besides, I only do it occassionally for the shock factor. It makes you rethink--and it did.

yourself, young man.

[IndiReloaded]

What I find frustrating is her willingness to just sit back and try and make this work (which is more or less accepting his lack of respect for her).., and judging from the way she writes and her account of events.., this isn't some dumb bimbo.., and she definitely has to realize a lot of things on her own.., for herself..

But with respect to this guy alone.., he is just inconsiderate and selfish.., looking out for his own pleasure with no respect for the other person.., he's someone with no system of ethics/morals/rules/standards/honor/respect.., and if he's not that kind of person for someone his age.., then she has to consider some very important questions about why she has yet to free herself from someone like him..

Yes, this^ exactly.