Love but not IN love?? Help?

[Smilemore]

So Im new and here is my story. Never done this kind of thing before so.....here it goes. I know I cant give the full story here but I will try....

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years. In the past 2-3 months we have started to feel a bit of a distance between us. Im realizing that Im in love with him and he the exact opposite. He tells me he loves me and cares for me deeply but he is not IN love with me. ...and b/c of that not ready for marriage....

Here is where it gets tricky....

My own personal problems....whenever this kind of thing arises in my relationships I tend to get VERY insecure and needy. The minute the guy is telling me he isn't 100% sure about me and our future I freak...It's not attrative and Im not proud of it, and I fear that this weakness is what is causing him to start having these reservations about us.... It's almost a bad cycle.....the man gets unsure and has typical commitment fears, then I get paranoid, become more needy, and that in turn just causes him to become more uncertain and distant and freak even more.

I dont want to push him away and think it's in my power to fix my own insecurities so that I can make our relationship more healthy. I assume my insecurities cause too much pressure and guilt on him and that makes things worse. I know it's a problem but I just cant seem to muster up courage to do what is hard for me to fix it! It's frustrating!!!!!

Ok, Im all over the place. Is there any specific advice that can be given on what I can do personally to help salvage this relationship and myself for that matter?

Im also fearful that he wont break up with me for his own selfish reasons....he knows I wont leave him....yet (Im just not ready to give up), he doesnt want to lose me and regret it later... he is more afraid of being alone and/or dealing with hurting me.... etc.....

I really am a wonderful person. I have a big heart and lot of love to give.....but I can see how my insecurities could cause doubt in a man....just want to mend this problem

[Junket]

Try not freaking out?

First of all you've been with this guy for 2 years, if you're still having these kind of insecurities, either something is off with you, or something is off with your relationship. Probably both, though it's hard to say from what you've given us, which caused the other.

And yeah, a needy girlfriend is like one of those annoying dogs that tears shit up when you leave. Nobody likes that. I'm assuming you're living together?

[Smilemore]

Thanks.....I miscommunicated. It's something off with me. I havent freaked out or been needy all along....it's just come up in the past 2 months. But Im learning its a pattern from thinking about my old relationships....so for once instead of blaming the guy, I want to work on me....be that confident independant woman I know he fell for in the 1st place....I feel the insecurity in me and I hate it, recognize it, and want to fix it.... just looking for a little support on this forum....maybe baby steps I could start with????

[Anamika]

sounded like you have a trauma in the past, but i don't think it was your past relationship, this question might a bit too personal, but is your family e.g. parents, brother, sister, ever had the same situation? like maybe you saw something like this back when you was still little kids?

[Anamika]

ahh sorry, didnt see the second post, so it was because your old relationship
so tell me, what excatly happened on your old relationship?

[Junket]

I wouldn't jump to conclusions with the trauma, she just may have greater investments in the relationship than he does. That kind of imbalance will throw things off.

I'm not concerned with her past so much as what she's doing now.

How old are you both.

Do you live together?

Do you share any financial accounts?

Do you have friends outside of your mutual circle, and if so, how frequently do you hang out with them (without him)?

Having any disagreements lately? Anything that comes up in particular?

[Anamika]

hmmm, i do believe on what you call a trauma from the past, and female is more sensitive, so if they had a bad experience in the past , it will always hold them in the future when they want to make up their mind in the future.... i always believe on what people called man always use their brain first, women use their heart first most of the time

[Junket]

hmmm, i do believe on what you call a trauma from the past, and female is more sensitive, so if they had a bad experience in the past , it will always hold them in the future when they want to make up their mind in the future.... i always believe on what people called man always use their brain first, women use their heart first most of the time

I understand that, but I believe until we know what's even happening right now, that information is irrelevant. Especially considering she's already stated she knows it's her own insecurities. She's probably well aware of what brought about these kind of insecurities.

In this situation I'd say stop the bleeding first, then worry about what caused it. She needs to avoid falling into behaviors that will make the matter worse.

[Anamika]

ok then, so can you tell us, if you can 100% trust your boyfriend , no matter what the answer he gave you?
i think what is good right now, is starting to trust your boyfriend, and it will give you some confidence, and it will also show your boyfriend that you have a good attitude which is respect his answer by believing his words, after all if you wanna be his wife, you have to learn to trust whatever he said it is for the good of the relatioship between you, im sure your boyfriend will be proud to have someone that can trust him and have a confidence and show him that you are a strong women not just women that rely on someone

[Smilemore]

I really appreciate everyone's help and thoughts.

Basically I am starting to think I may have been traumatized at some point to where it has affected me but I have NO idea what. It's not like I was sexually abused or raped....etc.

My parents got divorced when I was a teenager, so maybe my mom leaving my dad and how I saw it break his heart is part of my problem.....I dont want that to ever be me???

We do not live together, share finances together, we are just a typical b/f g/f that hang out about 4 days a week. We have our own friends and mutual, but we don't hang out with them separately REAL often. Honestly this has been part of the problem. He told me recently I am too available and he wished he had more him time. I can appreciate that, and know he needs it with having the pressures of me around....but why does that have to involve him hanging around other women? Yes he will have other gals in his life and I will men. Its natural. But it seems to me there comes a point in ones relationship where when you have these friends of the opposite sex you should make a a concious decision to make sure you are always respecting your significant other. I dont think he is cheating on me, but it doesnt feel respecful either....

I actually wanted to bring this up to him but cant figure out a way to tell him without him freaking out. Again, it's not that I dont trust him, it's just that I feel like I deserve to be respected. If I were to treat him the exact same way would he care?

[Junket]

I really appreciate everyone's help and thoughts.

Basically I am starting to think I may have been traumatized at some point to where it has affected me but I have NO idea what. It's not like I was sexually abused or raped....etc.

My parents got divorced when I was a teenager, so maybe my mom leaving my dad and how I saw it break his heart is part of my problem.....I dont want that to ever be me???

We do not live together, share finances together, we are just a typical b/f g/f that hang out about 4 days a week. We have our own friends and mutual, but we don't hang out with them separately REAL often. Honestly this has been part of the problem. He told me recently I am too available and he wished he had more him time. I can appreciate that, and know he needs it with having the pressures of me around....but why does that have to involve him hanging around other women? Yes he will have other gals in his life and I will men. Its natural. But it seems to me there comes a point in ones relationship where when you have these friends of the opposite sex you should make a a concious decision to make sure you are always respecting your significant other. I dont think he is cheating on me, but it doesnt feel respecful either....

I actually wanted to bring this up to him but cant figure out a way to tell him without him freaking out. Again, it's not that I dont trust him, it's just that I feel like I deserve to be respected. If I were to treat him the exact same way would he care?

You are choosing to feel disrespected in this situation.

Look, you're already in a situation where he feels like you're becoming a thorn in his side, and other women are naturally a good distraction from you. As soon as you pull the "you're not respecting me" card, it'll be like tightening the reigns to the breaking point. People do not enjoy being forced, or guilted into submission.

Plus, the more needy you become, the more attractive that grass will look on the other side. Why don't you go do your own thing, why don't you get yourself made up a little bit? Why don't you just take a chill pill and stop worrying so much? Guys, like girls, are attracted to people who are confident in themselves.

I know some guys like to shoot for the shy girls because they're easy game, but the whole shy/insecure cuteness thing wears off after the first lay.

Try this, without telling him why, try cutting down your hang out time in half, instead of hanging out 4 days a week, try 2. Occupy yourself for a bit. Pick up a book, hang out with a girl or two, see a movie, visit family. Do something. If you're not worried he will cheat then stop worrying.

The more I read what you have to say, the more it seems like you're speeding towards a brick wall while refusing to turn the wheel or hit the brakes. You know what part of the problem is, but you seem insistent not to do anything.

[Smilemore]

Well, I think you are right. The more I push the subject the more he closes up and pulls away. For the most part what I get from him, is "I fear our relationship has turned into a platonic friendship."

Sex has been lacking.

He would never cheat on me but he has admitted to having inclinations to flirt with other girls, which he later feels guilty about. The fact that he is having these feelings really sucks, but his ability to be honest helps.

I dont think these are abnormal feelings. Guys are guys and they think with there "other head". But their is a line you draw and he knows that is where the guilt comes in. At least he recognizes the guilt and knows where to draw the line.