Long distance with kids

[Gabriel Dante]

After nearly 7 years since my marriage ended, I have finally begun seeing a woman seriously with whom I think there is real potential. We are both divorced parents of young daughters, we live about a 70 minute drive apart, and both have busy schedules. We have been seeing each other 2-3 times a week and talk every day. The chemistry is off the charts when we are together and we have both led very unusual, adventurous lives. I have tried to ease her concerns about the distance by making the drive most of the time whenever we can find some time to spend together. She has met my awesome daughter and they hit it off. The catch is that she is reluctant to let her daughters meet me until she's sure we have a future because (she claims) that she's afraid that it would be "traumatic" for them if they became attached and then things didn't work out. This seems a little unfair and irrational to me, and it prevents us from spending more time together. She also is a bit obsessive/compulsive about taking on too many unnecessary projects and obligations, which further monopolizes her time. She often complains to me how stressed and exhausted she is by these things, but then becomes defensive if I suggest that she try streamlining her routine a bit. I want to be supportive, but my instinct is to offer a logical solution to an easily solved problem that would make her less stressed and allow us more time together. Any suggestions?

[vashti]

I don't have any comment about the work thing... some people need the chaos in order to maximize their productivity.

About the kids - she is right. I wish you had done the same for your daughter. Casual dating is very hard on children, and introducing outsiders (that the kids will ultimately view as competition) should not be done lightly.

[Gabriel Dante]

Well without writing a novel, I should have mentioned that my daughter's mother wasted no time shacking up with the other man when our marriage ended. No one questioned her about that. I've waited almost seven years and have an amazing relationship with my daughter. She meets my friends all the time and I see no reason to make a big production out of it if it's someone I'm dating. Then, it's just another friendly face as far as my daughter is concerned. No competition. It seems more natural and honest than if I suddenly announced that there is the new woman in our lives that I never even mentioned before.

[Primo]

The way you're handling your situation may work for you and your daughter Gabriel, no particular way is etched in stone as 'right'. That being said you have to respect how she is handling her daughter, that may be 'right' for her. That's fair enough isn't it?

As far as your relationship with her, it sounds like you're just going to have to adapt to her personality a bit. Like vashti said, some people can't cope without an overflowing plate, even when nothing ever seems to get done.

Sounds like it's a good relationship, just maybe slow down a bit, perhaps you're rushing things.

[vashti]

Well without writing a novel, I should have mentioned that my daughter's mother wasted no time shacking up with the other man when our marriage ended.

that seems like all the more reason to behave with caution...

[Gabriel Dante]

Thanks for the feedback. Of course, everyone has the right to handle things their own way, but some ways are better than others. My sense is that she is projecting her own anxieties onto her daughters, who would probably take things much more in stride like my daughter does if their mother was more at ease about it like I am with my daughter. Children follow their parents' example. About the overflowing plate, it's just like another manifestation of the same anxiety. Almost all of our phone conversations are about how stressed and exhausted she is from doing favors for people who don't really appreciate it. She'll even ask "what can I do?" But all I can say is the very banal, "I hear how exhausted you are". If I try to say, "then give yourself a break and say no sometimes", then she doesn't want to hear that. The irony of all this is that I am trying to ease HER concerns about there being a future for us. I'm a busy person too, but am doing all I can to show her that there are no obstacles to her being a part of my life. Hoping that she can appreciate that and start to see ways that she can do the same.

[IndiReloaded]

Since your question was how to be supportive here you go:

Listen reflectively. Hold her. If you can see a way to improve things, be diplomatic. *Suggest* in a respectful way, but do not take issue if she chooses not to take your advice.

Men tend to want to solve problems for women, when all they really need to do is be supportive. 'Fixing things' can lead to more arguments than it avoids, depending on the personalities involved.

Good luck.

[doppelgaenger]

70 minutes isn't long distance.

[Sonrisa]

does that mean that your dtr's mother is a better person for being able to sell herself in such a short time, where as to you it takes years?

[Gabriel Dante]

I agree that 70 minutes isn't long distance and that's another thing I want her to understand.

In response to the question about my daughter's mother being a better person, I'm not sure if you are being facetious. My daughter's mother abandoned a loving husband and father for another man who made a little more money. Since then, I've been picky. So, who's a better person?

[Sonrisa]

I agree that 70 minutes isn't long distance and that's another thing I want her to understand.

In response to the question about my daughter's mother being a better person, I'm not sure if you are being facetious. My daughter's mother abandoned a loving husband and father for another man who made a little more money. Since then, I've been picky. So, who's a better person?

you really don't come across as a loving person/husband so far. was that the reason why she left you?

[Sonrisa]

She has met my awesome daughter and they hit it off. The catch is that she is reluctant to let her daughters meet me until she's sure we have a future because (she claims) that she's afraid that it would be "traumatic" for them if they became attached and then things didn't work out. This seems a little unfair and irrational to me, and it prevents us from spending more time together. She also is a bit obsessive/compulsive about taking on too many unnecessary projects and obligations, which further monopolizes her time. She often complains to me how stressed and exhausted she is by these things, but then becomes defensive if I suggest that she try streamlining her routine a bit. I want to be supportive, but my instinct is to offer a logical solution to an easily solved problem that would make her less stressed and allow us more time together. Any suggestions?

so far you have done nothing but glorify yourself and judge the poor woman who has been dating you.

[Gabriel Dante]

In response to Sonrisa, you are missing the point completely. I care deeply for this beautiful, kind woman if I wasn't already emphatic enough about that. The reason for posting my question was to get a little reasonable perspective on how to help her with something that she admits herself is a problem for her. I am aware that there is the risk in a forum like this to become a target for anonymous pot shots from people with their own agendas. Judgmental indeed.

[Sonrisa]

In response to Sonrisa, you are missing the point completely. I care deeply for this beautiful, kind woman if I wasn't already emphatic enough about that. The reason for posting my question was to get a little reasonable perspective on how to help her with something that she admits herself is a problem for her. I am aware that there is the risk in a forum like this to become a target for anonymous pot shots from people with their own agendas. Judgmental indeed.

then if that was the only question that you had, why mention all that is negative about her?

basically, all you can do is make suggestions. she is a grown woman i hope, and all choices that she makes are what gives meaning to her life. I am sure that with a new man in her life a lot of that would be altered, it's only a matter of time.

how old are the two of yous?

[Gigabitch]

I agree that you haven't painted a picture of someone very attractive, Gabriel. She sounds like a mess, and I think the problem here is not simply that she won't take the next step but that, well, she kind of bugs you, doesn't she?

I have some experience with this. I am now married to a man who I was involved in an LDR with for eight months until he moved to my town. He didn't meet my daughter until I was serious about him and he wasn't presented as just a "friendly face". It was a big deal.

You might want to try and understand that it may be a bigger deal to your daughter than you know. It sounds like you've taken on the role of "stable parent" to her since her mom is off following her bliss or something and while your girlfriend might just be wallpaper to her now, that might all change if things progress. You might not even see it until she seems to turn into a lunatic asshole overnight. Just a word to the wise, dad. You need to be taking this more seriously.